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It's been 4 weeks since I was discarded. I'm dysregulating hardcore. Physically ill, anxiety to the max, and depressed. My T suggested I try online dating. I went on Match and saw a pic of my ex. It took everything I had not to click the profile link. Now I feel horrible knowing that she's on there. Not to mention, I'm not getting very many profile views. I feel awful. I keep randomly crying. I'm blowing small annoyances out of proportion. I'm having problems with work. Can't relax. Going out of my mind. Craving to text her, even though she told me to "never contact (her) again." I'm really struggling. Don't know what to do. It's like I'm a junkie that needs a fix... .

Correct. Most if not all of us feel like that after the relationship with a pwBPD ends. She was your drug of choice. The drugs are gone. You're having withdrawal symptoms.

IMHO your T has not given you the best advice. I don't think you should be online dating (dating at all) as long as you're in so much pain. Chances are that you would use the dating to cover up the pain instead of processing it. Looking for the next fix even.

Hang in there   It does get better.

I agree. It seems way too soon. At four weeks many people are focusing on getting through the days and weeks--getting rest, nutrition, fresh air, soothing understanding companionship of close friends and family and pets. Don't feel like you have to push yourself.

Do you meditate?

No. I do not meditate. I used to when I was involved with martial arts. I always find it difficult. I have an overactive brain.

I want to be recycled. I'm sick. I'm convinced she's going to pop back up and I'm craving it. I'm going out of my mind.

sweet tooth, youre also in the midst of profound grief, and need to grieve  . four weeks was, for me, less than the blink of an eye.


are these annoyances that small? you say that four weeks ago you were discarded. in that case, i imagine you would be experiencing intense feelings of rejection. it would not take a lot to heighten those feelings or perceive them as being reinforced. in this case you caught a double whammy, and saw your ex. the way youre feeling as a result makes a lot of sense to me.

how do you feel about dating at this stage? what are you looking for?

All this is completely understandable. You are not losing your mind--you are in the thick of it. Later you will be so glad you didn't go back for more.

Maybe just try 10 minutes of meditation, to deal with physical anxiety symptoms.

I want to be loved. I want someone to love me. I want what I had back, minus the nonsense. I miss the person's friendship when she wasn't dysregulating.

I miss having someone check in on me and tell me how their day went. I miss spending time with somebody whose company I legitimately enjoyed. I miss being able to talk with somebody. I miss the attention. I miss feeling special... .

It's okay to want those things. Don't try to get them right now, though. Don't try to look too far into the future. Right now you need to stabilize. Have faith: the future will take shape, with surprises and joy that you can't even imagine now.

Think back to before you met your ex. Were there happy times? There will be again.

Your ex could not give you what you wanted in a partner. You're making room in your life for someone who will.

The happy times were few and far between. She made my life bearable. I'm 30, have a job that pays less than $20k/year, and living with my parents. Women don't take my seriously. My life sucks.

SUPERFICIAL women don't take you seriously. Real women don't care about that stuff. You are very young. Don't believe the hype: your twenties are the hardest time for many people.

its natural and normal to miss the companionship a relationship brings - and i dont mean to limit this person to mere "companionship" but it leaves a void.


it sounds to me like you are still processing your view of this person, separating between "the nonsense" and lets call it the "good stuff". makes sense; it takes time to integrate your view of her as a whole, as opposed to separating the two. this is an ideal image, and a less than ideal image, though the fact is "the nonsense", the dysregulating, and the friendship are all who she is. that does not sink in over night, but as you work through the stages of grief.

should you choose to date in the process, there is no one who can healthily fill this void for you, replace your ex, or remove your pain.


so what are some steps you can take to improve your life and build a brighter future?

Nothing. Everything I do is in vain, except that I went back to school. But that takes time. Time I don't want to wait for. I've applied to about 170 jobs since last June. Nothing.

self improvement takes time sweet tooth. grief takes time. i dont think anyone wants to wait, but i dont think instant gratification would make the world a better place either.

there are lots of things you can do in the short term and long term apart from school and jobs, though those are great steps, as is getting into therapy, so do give yourself some credit. do you practice self care? steelwork mentioned meditation. what do you like to do? what are your hobbies? have you given thought to discovering new skills/hobbies/interests?

PERSPECTIVES: What does it mean to take care of yourself?  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0)

I've been in and out of therapy for half of my life. Between work and school I don't have time for my hobbies.

what instigated you going to therapy? whats been the primary focus?

Currently? This discard sent me over the edge. I was content and tolerating my far less than ideal life before that.

Historically? Well, I was sexually assaulted for 2 years by my "best friend" from the ages of 14-15. I'm 30 and never had sex with a woman. I've been emotionally abused my whole life by various people.

im really sorry to hear that sweet tooth. when people in your life that are close to you betray your trust, repeatedly,  it makes it hard to trust anyone, let alone trust yourself, which effects overall quality of life and relationships. and you may have tolerated your life before all of this, but the volatile, and soul mate like nature of a relationship with someone with BPD leaves a massive void, and suddenly that life seems even less ideal.

if you dont mind my asking, what kind of therapy are you doing? has it been effective?

CBT and Gestalt. I feel good when I walk out, but it doesn't last long.

Ever since I was sexually assaulted my life has been hell with intermittent periods of joy. I wouldn't wish my existence on my worst enemy.

Really sorry to hear about what you've been through, sweet tooth. A sudden loss like you've had recently can really rip open some old wounds.

I don't know about Gestalt, but I would think psychodynamic psychotherapy might get deeper than CBT, and that might be necessary.

I don't know what psychodynamic psychotherapy is.

It's kind of psychoanalysis lite? I'd say it's what people usually think of when they think "talk therapy."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychodynamic_psychotherapy

These days there aren't really a lot of strict Freudians out there practicing. I think frameworks like object relations/attachment theory are more prevalent and more helpful for someone who has a history of trauma.

Freudians aren't practical. Most of Freud's theories have been disproven.

Right. That's why I said you won't find a lot of them practicing. I wanted to clear that up, because that's what a lot of people think of when they think "talk therapy."

Do you like graphic novels? Here is something you might do: see if your library has "Are You My Mother?" by Alison Bechdel. It's kind of a nice introduction to more current practice in psychodynamic psychotherapy.

The main thing is that I feel like grief over past experiences/losses/traumas is important when you are retraumatized like this. Just brain training is not going to help you get through that heavy history.

I enjoy graphic novels. I went to school for art. That is one of the reasons I'm in the situation I'm in. I'll check out the book.

sweet tooth--

I'm sorry for the misery you are experiencing. I've been there myself. My ex and I are a 94% match on OKC. It sucks. And online dating is hard, period.

I finally blocked my ex. And you should too. And you aren't ready for online (or any other) dating right now. What you have to offer is raw wounds. Who is that going to attract?

This pain isn't just from being discarded. You said so yourself. You told us the actual source of the pain. It's from being sexually abused. I know that pain too. And I know that as a kid, it's too complex and overwhelming to deal with, so we "stow" it for sometime later, when we can actually deal with it. Except when that time comes, we have detached from those feelings and don't recognize them anymore. They are still there though, and we become puzzled about them--attach them to someone else. Which doesn't allow us to finally experience and release them.

I don't meditate either. What I do is sit on my couch and allow myself these horrible feelings for, say, 10 minutes. I don't look for ways to distract myself from the feelings. I don't look for something to "do" about them that will relieve them. I don't try to escape or avoid them. I just let them happen. Yeah--it's hard, it's not fun, it's wretched. It's also very healing. They are appropriate feelings for what happened to you, and they deserve the light of day, even if they are uncomfortable. Make sure you are safe and alone. And allow it to happen. Don't attach it to your ex, or anyone else.

Then start, slowly but surely, assuring that young man that was abused that he/you are safe now. That YOU will rescue you. That YOU will be there for you. That you will comfort you and protect you.

Here's the absolute best book I recommend--Pete Walker's "Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving". He also has a website with a lot of free info that is extremely helpful www.pete-walker.com/

What I have finally figured out/learned is that the emotional experiences you are describing are called "emotional flashbacks". Pete Walker's website has a lot of really useful info for how to manage that in a healing way, instead of a fighting way. Please read the website info and at least temporarily suspend your dating site profile. And lean on us here at BPD Family for support. Tell us about what rings some bells for you with what you read on the website and let us help you through it.

Aww hun I am so sorry.   

If it is any comfort at all I got matched to my ex when I returned to online dating too. It should be noted that he was splashing his new true love all over Facebook while online dating at the same time. I screen shot his profile because it shows when he last was active on the site many, many times and kept them in a file to remind me that he was cheating on her so he really wasn't much of a catch after all.

I know this may sound harsh but maybe get away from dating for awhile. I think any therapist that suggests online dating right after a breakup should have their head examined. Seriously. Go rub some expensive ice cream on your wounds and read how to survive the loss of a love. I swear it will help.

Meanwhile you are worthy and deserving of a healthy happy relationship. Settle for nothing less.

I would welcome some input about how meditation helps.

having personally never meditated: www.webmd.com/balance/features/meditation-heals-body-and-mind

There's a lot to say about this and I'm not an expert. However, I do remember those first really bad months. I was really falling apart and just trying everything I could, and meditating helped me.

One really common method for settling into meditation is to "scan" your body, notice all the sensations in it. Another is to notice the sounds around you. What these things have in common is that they are happening in the present. Meditation anchors you in the present. From a certain perspective there is no separate past or future. The past has expired and ceased to be; the future isn't here yet. When we're "living in the past" or ruminating, we're doing it from the present. Thoughts of what happened, what's happening somewhere else--they are just that: thoughts, like clouds in a blue sky that you can observe and wonder about. Think of them from the outside and they lose some of their power over you. When you are in a state of crisis over your pwBPDex, you are living inside those thoughts and your perspective is being warped.

Or if that doesn't do it for you, think of this: I know my mind was spinning like a top a lot of the time. It needs a rest. Meditating is, if nothing else, a breather for your busy mind.

Right now your body is coursing with cortisol--a stress hormone. High amounts of it for a long time are really bad for you: bad for your digestion, your heart, your sleep. Meditating lowers the amount of cortisol you produce.

I don't know. When I was in the thick of it I was just trying everything, because I felt like I had nothing to lose.

Really helpful, steelwork!  Thanks for this!  Listening to the birds, right now.  I get it!