BPDFamily.com

My girlfriend and I have been in an on again off again relationship for almost 2 years now. Just this past year she was diagnosed with BPD. I finally came across this website that i hope will be able to assist me in guiding our relationship on the right track, as well as making her a mentally healthier person.

Over the past two years our issues have been numerous and after reading some articles on this site i am almost 100% sure i have caused most of these by improper reactions. The most significant issues that I have been having with my S.O. is lying, (the possibility of) infidelity, and communicating.

I would like to know if there are anyways to effectively improve my trust for her with lying and infidelity, effective techniques for setting and enforcing boundaries, and ways to help me learn better validation skills for my S.O.

I appreciate any help, advise, and experince from the people with and with out BPD from this community.

BVeit

Hello 


This is good that she has a formal diagnosis.  What measures is she taking and for what reasons?



These are pretty significant issues.  Why do you feel responsible for her reactions?  You cannot take responsibility for her behavior any more than she can yours.  Recognizing you were probably throwing fuel on the fire with your own behavior is an excellent start towards stabilizing the relationship and for your own personal growth.  That said, how do you feel modifying your own behavior will affect the issues you have mentioned here?


IMO these are serious boundary violations.  What is your boundary here?

Validation skills is something we all can benefit from regardless of being in a relationship with a borderline or not.  Have you explored the articles and workshops on validation yet?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

Hello and welcome, BVeit!


I'm not quite sure I understand what you are asking for. If she is lying or being unfaithful, or even if she has been in your relationship, trusting her not to do more sounds like a bad idea, not a good one. Perhaps forgiving her is a better place to start before you get to trusting her again?

If you are suspicious and jealous, but don't have any evidence or proof or good reason to believe that she is either lying or cheating, then that's a different thing.

Are the two of you getting into fights/conflicts over these trust issues? Can you describe them?


You are in the right place for that. We have a lot of resources for it and also members who have figured out how to make it work themselves, or are working it out.

One suggestion I've got is take a brief pause before you jump into working on validation, and make sure you aren't being unintentionally invalidating. I've found that the tiniest hint of invalidation will "spoil" all your efforts to validate. Plus... .validation is a new skill to learn, and it does take some practice, while not being invalidating (often) simply requires you to shut up, which should be an old and well-practiced skill  lol

TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner (or the BPD person in your life)  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating;all)

Tell us a bit more about specific issues you are struggling with.

I'm glad your here. Being able to reach out to others will help you so much. My pwBPD lied to me too. He's probably done things behind my back that I will never know about. That can be pretty scary and hurtful to think about. So I just had to let it all go. And start our relationship from scratch. Whatever happened in the past I just let it go and focused on what's right in front of me. Now the paradox is that he won't let the past go sometimes. So it's really hard when someone accuses you of what you have done to them while I'm choosing to forgive and forget. It's super  challenging but learning empathy and validation skills will help you so much. It takes alot of work but since ive been consiatently empathic and validating ive become a safe zone and non judgemental place he can come too. And he has actually come to me right away when he messes up. Hes in drug recovery right now and has relapsed a few times but he came to me right away about it, so i was proud of him for not hiding that. He knew I wouldnt judge him and support him in his recovery.

All that to say it's gonna take alot of work but putting empathy validation and active listening into practice will help you so much. And be patient too. Do all the research you can on learning these skills and learning everything you can about BPD.

You are not alone and there is hope that you can have a great and satisfying relationship!

Oh I always share these three short videos. For some reason they just really helped me to understand validation empathy and how to listen. Because I really want to  clarify that these skills do not mean we condone or encourage wrong behavior or accept abuse!

Empathy

https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw

Active reflective listening

https://youtu.be/FEvldkFkgsc

Validation

https://youtu.be/DABarBuR2K4

Also pick up this book "Loving Someone with Borderline personality disorder" by Shari Manning.

www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075

I really like her approach because it's very compassionate. Alot of books I've read and articles focus a great deal on all the problems... .I was seeking solutions and she gives really great tools based off of sound therapeutic research. Do some research on Dialeteical Behavior Therapy too. DBT is the most successful therapy for people with BPD.

Peace!