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So late lastnight, me and my BPDgf were having a great time, we had a quite a few drinks and she got depressed, started talking about how she missed her dead grandparents. Then out of nowhere, she just started shouting at me, calling me names and then hit me. I was dealing with her great up till then. Then I lost my composure, I didn't lash back at her but I shouted and started recording audio on my phone. In the audio she clearly says I didn't do anything and that she has hit me. Then she got in her car and said she was going to drive home and that she wanted to kill herself. I had no choice but to call the police. They arrived and handcuffed her and took her away. I won't press any charges, I  gave a notebook statement that is for information purposes only, not for prosecution. I haven't slept in 24hours. She is still in custody, apparently still too drunk to give a statement. I've told her via txt that I still love her, I'm sorry, but I had to call police because she was violent and suicidal. I hate having to be the grown up. She has jeopardised my new job and accommodation,,, again. But I won't give up on her. She should not have to live a lonely depressed life. We've been together nearly 2 years, I've learned lots of skills from bpdfamily to help me cope and to help her. I can't give up on her. I'm waiting now to hear from the police and for her to be released. Her car is here so she has to come back. What should I do when she does? I'm trying to mentalise and keep a wisemind. I want to hug her and tell her I love her but will that work? Will that be enough? Or will she split me black and hate me, maybe even blank me? Any advice or just comments would be helpful, please x

It took me 2 full years of mind struggling and drama to change my mind on this.

They always manage to make us feel sorry for them when they are never sorry for US.

You are not her saviour, and being a happy human being is up to her, you are not her happiness-maker. Unfortunately, they chose drama over peace, and destruction over constructive behaviour. And this is something you will never be able to change. The sooner you realize this, the better.

Sorry if this sounds blunt, but this is just the way things are.

Good luck - I know you'll disagree with this, and maybe even feel rather annoyed with what you feel is 'another negative comment', but please do keep this in mind for later.

Hi Oz,

I think you did the right thing by calling the police, good for you!

A better idea even, may have been to call the police right when she hit you.  Your safety is not less important than hers, and when you think about it, someone that is hitting you really isn't behaving safely also.

Not only was she in danger of harming herself, but driving drunk, putting other people's lives in danger.

You may feel like you won't give up on her, but to be honest, it sounds like a part of you has given up on yourself?  (Jeopardizing your job and accomodations) Taking care of your self is the first step to any healthy relationship. 

Oz, airplane safety recommendations: "put on your oxygen mask first" are written for a reason.

What can you do for self care today?

Hi oz geary,


How did it go? I suspect she is going to feel guilty, ashamed, awkward, uncertain and fearful. As a result you may see upset and anger directed at you or the police. Validating these emotions and simply asking non-threating open question may be a way to approach her the next days.

Alcohol lowers boundaries. It may be best to avoid it. You can't control her but you can control yourself.

With all due respect, that's your experience and opinion. "They" don't always chose drama over peace, and destruction over constructive behavior. This is the improving board... .not the detaching one.

@oz geary,

I'm glad you chose to call the police. My BPDh will dysregulate the most when he has drank, as well. Calling them if she hits you is a better move.

She very well could split you black. If she does, that's her choice. It's very difficult, but no matter what WE do, they own their responses. Tell her how you feel, and leave it at that. If she's angry, she's angry. I know that hurts... .it's taken me a few years to get to the point to where I can disconnect from the toxic responses.

  That's a tough situation and I think you did the right thing.

I'd suggest you not apologize anymore for calling 911. If somebody is assaulting you, or threatening to commit suicide, that is exactly the kind of situation that emergency responders are there for, and it is beyond your ability to deal with it.

You don't want her having the idea that either of those actions is a way she can get you to do something (or not do something)!

... .as for what she's going to do? No idea, and a good bit of it depends on what happens to her--she could end up getting a mental health evaluation and getting some treatment, although the odds of that being the kind of program (months/years of DBT, for example) that can cure BPD isn't very likely.

What have you heard since, from her, police, her family, or anybody else?

Yes, sorry, I missed that point... .

Good luck all.

Update:: so she came out the police station very fearful and sorry and confused. She says she doesn't remember what happened... .Ok, I believe that. I forgave her, we kissed n everything was ok. We spent the next day together and went home late in the evening. When I got home we txt each other then it seemed to go down hill, I wasn't with her , I didn't care, I was horrible,,, it came from nowhere. After alot of talking we made up again but after that my boss new I'd had to call the police out (I lived on the same site that I worked) and he said I can't bring her there anymore. I broke down in tears at work, started telling them how I felt ,, so they "" let me go"" ! So that's another job I've lost coz I can't get it right with my BPDgf! Anyways I moved back to her house to live with her n her mum. We had a lovely few days,, I helped her on the garden and we went to the local council to apply for our own place to live then the other night, she started crying at dinner then saying that aliens rule the world and we r all doomed! I like conspiracy theories and I do believe we r controlled from the top but I'm not about to believe aliens rule the world and we have no hope. I told her this and it developed in a argument. I couldn't keep a wise mind, I couldn't mentalise. In the end I took some clothes n left. I've been sleeping on a friend's sofa since then,,, last Thursday night.

I want her to take me back tho. I can't stop thinking about her. My depression is at a massive low. I got a new job today but it's crap n I can't focus anyway. Thoughts from ppl very much appreciated ... U guys on here r a big help x

  Sounds tough

Sounds like you are a survivor, if you already have a new job, even if it isn't a very good one, and have found a place to crash. I'm glad to hear that.

As for advice? Try to keep a little distance from her so you can sort out your own feelings for at least a few days, maybe a week, at least as a start--you sound pretty vulnerable and fragile too.

Do you have any safe and wise friends you can talk to who will support you without being judgemental or anything?

Is any of your family supportive? And if so are they nearby?

What about your gf's mother? I'm guessing that she is probably not a safe support person for you... .her loyalties should lie with her daughter first... .and if her daughter is that messed up, her mother could well be part of the problem/cause, but you don't say anything there.

Have you ever seen a therapist/counselor? Or any kind of support group for yourself?

... .and my last bit of advice: Keep posting here your story, what you are feeling, and what is going on with your gf. This community is one safe place to share those feelings, even if you don't have any of the others I was asking about.

 Hang in there, man!

Sorry to be brief, on phone.

It sounds like you blame yourself for things that are out of your control. What is in control however is your choices. Making choices based on a false belief that you are more responsible than you actually are can be dangerous.

This could be a good time to sort out what things you are in control of and are not.

Also please be kind to yourself.