BPDFamily.com

Hi, so this is my first post on this forum. I understand that it seems to be a place for people who know or in a relationship with a BPD sufferer. I have BPD myself and have only recently been diagnosed after many years of other mental health issues (and doctors!).

I'm in a very committed, loving relationship with my partner who doesn't really understand what BPD is. I have asked him to research it but he hasn't, so it's hard for him to understand what I'm going through sometimes.

The main problem is my binge drinking and promiscuity... I don't cheat and hook up with other people, but I flirt like crazy when I drink and just last night, found myself in the office of a director at a function for work. We sat on his lounge and talked/flirted for 15 minutes and I spent an hour or so with him. I would never kiss him or anyone because I love love love my boyfriend, but I seem to completely forget him the moment I get drunk. I was so intoxicated and hardly remember getting home but woke up this morning in the arms of my boyfriend. I feel so incredibly guilty, to the point where I nearly had a panic attack on the train this morning. I want to tell him that I flirted with this guy last night but I know that will not help anything and would probably cause him to break up with me as he's very protective/bit on the crazy side himself.

I don't know how to deal with this guilt. What do I do? I want someone to tell me I guess that the flirting last night wasn't so bad and I shouldn't feel this guilty.

I want people to understand the perspective of someone with BPD who is flirty/promiscuous. It is the most awful, horrible trait I have and I live with the guilt of knowing how flirty I get when I drink everyday. I love my boyfriend, I love him so so much and would do anything for him. Knowing that I get like this when I drink is the worst feeling in the world and makes me feel completely out of control. I want to be faithful and good to him. I don't want to be flirty. I'm never doing it on purpose. It's literally like that whole part of my brain that deals with my boyfriend and being in a relationship, is repressed when I drink. All of a sudden, he doesn't exist - I can't explain it better than that. I wish he understood it from my perspective because it would make dealing with everything a lot easier. When I read posts about people who want to break up with their BPD partner because of their promiscuity, contacting their ex etc it breaks my heart, because I know that they are not intentionally being like that - it's just a symptom of the awful reality of BPD. I can't control it, I wish I could, but I can't. The guilt after a night of drinking and flirting makes me want to jump in front of a train or hurt myself. I really wish our partners would understand  

Are you flirty when you don't drink?

I was once given some good advice that went like - If you don't want to get into trouble, don't get into a position where trouble could happen.

No I'm not, definitely not.

I like this advice, the only problem is excess drinking is something that BPD sufferers love (like you all know haha). Unfortunately, I was at a function where the moment my champagne class was empty, a waiter would magically appear and top it up for me. So I was in a very enabling environment in the first place!

Cutting back on alcohol is an issue I'm actively working on. I just wish there was a pill that would cure BPD or at least a pill that would make being drunk impossible!

Ilovegofry I think you are amazing for recognizing and accepting what is happening. In themselves they will be some of the "pills" that reduce the symptoms. Have you read "The Buddah and the Borderline? It is very good.

www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/features/fighting-alcoholism-with-medications

There is a pill... .I believe it's called antibuse?

Hi ilovegofry

This website is indeed aimed at people in a relationship with someone who has BPD.

In your case, you are the person with BPD in your relationship. It takes a lot of courage to take such a critical look at yourself and share your story like this |iiii

BPD is definitely a challenging disorder, but if you acknowledge your issues like you do and seek help, it is possible to learn how to better manage your difficult thoughts and emotions. Are you getting therapy to help you deal with your BPD?

You mention struggling with guilt to the point that you even have thoughts about seriously hurting yourself and commuting suicide. I am very sorry you are feeling this way. Have you sought help for this suicidal ideation and these thoughts of self-harm?

Take care

I think this pill is similar to what one of the other users posted above, where it makes you feel really sick after a drink or two. I'm seriously going to talk to my psych about it when I see him, I would love if I could get a prescription for it. I don't have a real problem with alcoholism, but I'm definitely one of those girls who goes out and gets absolutely "___faced" without intending it - every single time. I just can't afford to be getting this drunk, I'm very lucky that nothing bad has happened to me yet.

Has anyone here taken any such pills?

This is so sweet! Thank you, these are very kind words. I'm seeing a psychiatrist, psychologist and have my own doctor who has a relationship with both psychs. I'm also starting group therapy soon. The suicidal ideation has dramatically decreased since I've started all this intensive therapy, but if I ever act out like this again when I get blind, then I really can't say how deep I would spiral  

I just really wish I could talk to my partner about this, but I don't want to force-feed him BPD research and stuff.

I just wanted to say this forum is amazing, it's really helpful reading through everyones posts and everyone is just so supportive, kind and articulate.

I think getting medication to help with alcohol is a great idea, if you can get it, but if not, you can still learn to not drink.

The advice to stay away from things that are overwhelmingly tempting is for everyone, not just people with BPD. And even the statement that pw BPD can be impulsive, especially with alcohol doesn't mean they are helpless to help themselves even if it is harder- and therapy, medication, support are ways people can find help with their goals.

One thing I have noticed in my mother with BPD is that she seems to think the locus of control and even ability is something outside of her- the alcohol or a pill, or someone else- has an ability or power she does not. She will often look to me to do something for her, believing she can't do it, but this hurts her self esteem in the long run. When she does something on her own, she feel better about herself. I don't discount that her illness makes some things harder, but this doesn't mean she isn't capable of learning new ways to self care. You are capable too.

We are human, we have weaknesses. This is why people who wish to eat healthy are advised to keep tempting food out of the house. If you don't want to eat candy, don't go to the candy store starving. Don't go there at all. Because we are human and if we wish to avoid temptation or self destructive behavior, we need to keep ourselves out of situations where we know we will lose control.

I think sometimes people tend to be a perfectionist. I broke my diet, I may as well eat the whole cake. That isn't true, but we tend to do it. Alcohol can affect our higher thinking- make people easily tempted to do things they might not do otherwise. It also makes us more likely to eat the whole cake, be promiscuous or other behaviors. One of the main consequences of this is a blow to our self esteem, and for someone with BPD that could spiral into self loathing. " I blew it, I slept with him, I'm terrible, and so on. "

You aren't terrible. You lost control and did something you didn't want to do. But you can take steps to do better next time. This includes not getting yourself into a situation where you are drinking. If this means not going to events where there is alcohol, waiters pouring drinks, then you are worth not going there- for your sake.

We don't have to be addicts or alcoholics to have problems with certain things. Some people have sugar cravings, or other things that are not necessarily bad in themselves- but they are bad for that particular person. When you drink alcohol, you do things you regret. To change this would mean not getting in to tempting situations with alcohol- as an act of self love for YOU.

Progress isn't always perfect and a setback isn't a failure. I just think, BPD or not, that self love and self care are important, and if we need help- from therapists, friends, other, then we are human. No judgement here, just encouragement to take steps to do good things for yourself.

I am very glad you are getting help to deal with these problems. Having a support network can be invaluable.

Great to hear your suicidal ideation has decreased so much :) I also understand your concerns though.

I think you've gotten some great advice from other members here about how to address your problems with alcohol and hope you'll be able to apply some of this to your own situation.


Why do you think your partner does not want to talk about these things? You asked him to research BPD but he hasn't, why do you think that is?


I am glad you have found this forum to be such a positive place for you :)

One thing I do have to say is that bpdfamily is aimed at people in a relationship with someone who has BPD. As a result, people who have BPD themselves, might find certain posts or material on this site a bit triggering. I therefor would like to share some other resources with you specifically aimed at people who have BPD themselves to help you on your healing path:

Resources for people with BPD (https://goo.gl/Fg5HBy)

Take care

Hello Iloveegofry,

I would also like to welcome you to the group and commend you on your progress with your therapist & doctors in order to better understand BPD & how it not only affects you but the people in your life, not just your bf.  

You have pointed out one common thing among those with BPD & that is substance & alcohol abuse.  By your own admission you drink, you forget, you flirt, your regret.  This does NOT mean you're an alcoholic, but it does indicate that you know there is a problem when you do drink.  I would encourage you to find and join a AA group to help you eliminate your consumption of alcohol altogether, nothing but good can come from this.  You already know and realize it's an issue so why not remove the thing that would cause pain in others & yourself.  

AA is another support group, like this one to assist those who want to take an active role in their own recovery, and like this place can have a positive role in your recovery & education and the answers you seek.

J