BPDFamily.com

Go on, heart of hearts answer. You got in your delorian and traveled back in time, forgetting paradoxes, would you try and date your BPD again?

Ashamed to admit it, a large part of me would say yes. Even knowing how terrible these relationships are.

Knowing this also lets me know I still have a long way left to go until I detach and become healthier.

The delorian only seats five and their is some crazy white haired professor already sitting next to me in the front. Who's jumping in the back?

God no.

No. A very strong no. Good question.

A resounding NO!

Hi Ahoy


I wouldn't go back to her now as too much water has passed under the bridge.

Before I got in the De Lorean I would need hypnosis to take my mind back to where it was when I asked her out. I thought she was wonderful back then - and that was what made the bond between us so strong. Without that mindset, it would just be sex.

Don't regret the relationship though - she gave me some memories that I will take to the grave and I'll always love her for that.


Fanny

NO way!

So going back with all I now know and feel?

No because:

- I wouldn't be able to feel the same about him again so I wouldn't be able to go back.

- I wouldn't want to go through what I went through (emotionally, career wise) if I can avoid it so I wouldn't want to go back for those reasons.

Yes because:

- I think I might have learned about me and what lessons I still need to learn but it would have taken longer and perhaps the lesson would have been less complete.

- I think the experience with him sped up some physical process which led to me finding out about this disease that has been plaguing me for years without me or doctors realizing what it was. Now I know.

- the thought of the intense love I felt, the exhilaration of knowing I was loved, the way it made me feel, the thrill, the intense happiness, to experience THOSE feelings again I would do a lot... Those feelings, that is the true addiction for me. It changed me so much I got hit on by random guys in the street because I radiated happiness. I looked different, I felt different, life looked different.

I dunno because:

- my journey isn't over yet.

My career has gotten very damaged by this experience. Is there anything left to salvage? I don't know. I still have to get healthy enough to go and find out. I suspect it is too damaged though. And then I have to go do something else. I might have to anyway as my illness is preventing me from doing a lot.

All of this might bring me somewhere complete different where I never would have ended up if I would not have jumped in the roller coaster with him. It might lead to a far happier life I always wanted but was to afraid to go out and hunt for.

Most of it was absolute hell. There was a little spark of heaven in there though. And perhaps it made me see who I could be if I could reach my full potential.

Drive past me again in the De Lorean in 6 months time and ask me again  :)

I think sometimes there isn't a choice ... until we learn to adopt healthier 'relationship practices'.

If you go back or into another relationship ... if you/we remain 'consummate enablers' and first rate 'fixers' ... they'll come back, either in the same or in a different body. As long as we create an 'environment' which enables/allows for 'boundary busting' and 'misbehaviour without consequences' ... there's a good chance you'll get your backside kicked again.

It's often said by a 'non' that the relationship felt like it was all about their partner and recounting many tales of selfishness and double standards. What is often overlooked is why we made allowances for it, instead of walking away early or 'nipping' unacceptable behaviour in the bud as soon as it was seen, and why we consciously overlooked it and the reasons why.

I think I would like to go back and experience everything again, simply because my memory is a bit fuzzy with flags I overlooked. I think there is a lot of subconscious compartmentalisation going on in the idealisation stage for me.

I think the end result, knowing what I know would truly be "Ahoy, look at all these flags, the selfishness, this is not a relationship, it's all fantasy" and walk away.

That damn fantasy is stubborn. It's eroding/has eroded but it creeps back every now and then.

Thanks for the replies! I'm glad there are so many empathic no's!

So you would want to go back to pay better attention, make 'mental notes to self' so to speak, so you would have a more complete picture of what really happened/what you missed in  red-flag  to have more control of your current feelings and avoid (more of) the fantasizing about you living with Mirage-Woman in Lalaland?

Is there another way to avoid the fantasy of you living with Mirage-Woman in Lalaland other than stepping into the De Lorean?

I think time will help, I really do seem to have a poor memory when it comes down to recalling exact details.

I think I am much better equipped to see flags in the future but in a nutshell yes I think living some of those moments again, fully realising the flags would help me move on much faster.

Silly conversation really... .unless you do have that De Lorean parked at your house mate!

"Silly conversation really... .unless you do have that De Lorean parked at your house mate!"   LOL                   

Never! I wish I knew then, what I know now. I could have saved allot of grief and money! I could have met a decent person when I was 10 years younger. I know all about mirroring, projection and love-bombing! Never will it happen again! Honestly, I don't even want to get close to people that I do not know... .hopefully I will come out of that feeling with continued caution. I do not even care about the good times... .I could have had a normal life with someone else. I feel like the person I married is died.

Have you ever written down what you remember? Returning to it to add if and when more detail springs to mind?

A lot of the conversations we have here are silly... Talking about people as if they are drugs or addictions, as if they are not real, as if relationships never actually happened... Silly is fine by me...

Let me peek over my balcony... .no... .can't see it... .must have forgotten where I last parked it... .

No. I was able to date him only because I believed that our relationship was somehow going to be different from all his previous ones - that if only I was understanding enough and supportive enough, it would work out. Now I know that this isn't the case. You can't have a relationship where one person is putting in almost all the effort, and that's what we had. I felt like I was playing whack-a-mole or plugging holes in a dam with my fingers as they appeared. I would not do that again because I know that eventually the dam will always burst.

I also like the person I'm becoming without him around. At first I felt horrible, as though my ability to trust had been annihilated. I couldn't stand the person I'd become. But a very good and sensible friend said to me, "You'll learn to trust people again, but you'll never be naïve like you were." He was right. My trust in others is returning, but I also have trust in my own judgment and my own right to say no and set limits on my relationships. Before I wouldn't do this for fear I was being unkind and selfish, but now I know I have a right to look after myself.

This self-knowledge is what keeps me from wanting to go back. The memory of that excruciating pain wouldn't have been enough to scare me off even without this understanding. I was recycled in spite of the pain I went through during the first breakup, so clearly pain on its own is not enough.

My first response was NO NO NO. But then I thought about it, and how in general experience is precious to me. We had some of the tenderest moments. To know I could feel that way, and to feel that adored (for a while)... .I would not want to have to relinquish those things--or the mutual sexual chemistry, which I had never and will never experience with anyone else. That chemistry wasn't lust. Learning about him was erotic. I'm forever grateful for the effort he made to tell me about his past in such intimate detail.

I would do it over if we could have parted as friends.

Not such a silly conversation because it relates to very big questions:

1. "What if I met someone similar, how will I behave?"

2. "Why am I still attracting someone like this?" E.g.:


3. Or, one may seek healthier ways to fantasise:)

www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Judy-Garland/dp/B00000JS62 (http://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Judy-Garland/dp/B00000JS62)

You know, it's a great question. I keep coming back to it.

When I thought about "would you do it again," in my mind I replaced one all-important detail: in this scenario I leave my bf when I realize I'm in love with D., and I hold back with him until he's moved out of his wife's house.

This scenario is wildly removed from what actually happened. I stayed in my other r/s, in a limping-along way, and though he "left" his wife in the sense of telling her he was going to file for divorce, they were still living together and acting as man and wife for all the world (and their kid) to see for another year.

What I'm wishing for when I imagine that do-over is actually a whole different course of events, which would probably have ended in us moving in together and then splitting up even more painfully, because I know something about him now that I didn't know then. No matter how open and vulnerable he appeared to be, he was hiding so many awful feelings from me. He could not communicate them. I can't have a relationship with someone who hides his real feelings from me. I guess that's the bottom line.

So... .I guess it would have to be no.

I wish we would have just been friends from the beginning and never fallen in love.

if the question is would i recycle, the answer is no.

if the question is would i like to go back in time and avoid having gotten in the relationship in the first place... .the answer is no. i can on one hand call it a mistake, and on the other, maybe the most valuable mistake i ever made. i believe the relationship put me on the path to greater maturity, and healthier relationships, in a way im not sure i could have just otherwise learned, or at least was going to learn. i have a much higher threshold for emotional pain than id have otherwise had, and a much stronger belief in my own ability to survive.

its not, i dont think, that you HAVE to make mistakes in order to learn. but i kinda feel that way in this case. could i have just skipped that relationship, and had something healthier? well, thats not exactly the path i was headed down. could i have just learned more about myself and my issues? maybe. i did a lot of that already. i never had such clarity about myself and my issues until the breakup and after i recovered from it. i dont take that for granted.

if the question is would i do it over, and try to do it differently, i can already think of plenty of things id have done differently, but i dont regret the outcome or the breakup. we were incompatible and the relationship was not for me, it needed to end. so in other words, i would have responded/reacted in a healthier way in too many examples to name, but if id had that mentality, maybe i either would have gotten out, or the relationship wouldnt have happened. even if id been the one to leave, id have suffered tremendously. pretty similar lessons, different result, probably the same or a similar outcome, not much difference. so there are things i could have done to improve the dynamics of the relationship; it was a relationship that in my heart of hearts i didnt want.

but ill admit i have some morbid curiosity. i have an eerie sense about our final year. there was so much going on that i wasnt aware of, and there must have been so much going on in her head that i could never have been aware of. i think if i could be a fly on the wall and observe the relationship happen the way it did, yeah, id do that.

I was living under the delusion I could make a difference in my exBPDgf life, I did. I made her worse.

Would I do it all over again?

I am not under the same delusions as before, so no I would not go through this hell on earth again.

With a snap of her finger she in her privileged mental illness can take 4 years of effort and love from me and make it all just go away.

That my friends is the tragedy

My friends tell me she will still try to control my life through our son, she has no more control than I allow, my bounderies are becoming healthy along with every other aspect of my life.

I agree with you once removed, I did benifit greatly from this. Sometimes the hardest lessons in life and the most valuable are learned from pain, pain is a most effective motevater

I guess what your asking is if we know now what we didn't know then would we go through it again with them while trying to go through a lesser hell due to having the greater understanding of the hell and Hellgiver. My answer is no. I believe there is no way for anyone to have a successful marriage or even a relationship with her. If you give her the many desired dream babies she will still be miserable and if you provide millions of the desired dream dollars she will be miserable and she will never believe you won't cheat on her no matter what you do or say. I guess practicing SET techiniques one could have a robotic miserable existence trying to have a conversation with her that is deeper than fluff talk level.

as usual, woundedbibi and Herodias answered this interesting question for me, WORD for WORD, just as i would have, without missing a beat.     if they hadnt answered so perfectly for me (it amazes me how exact these relationships can be), i would have answered in one loud word:  NO.   make that 2 loud words:  HAIL NO.        go back for more pain? re do the sleepless nights? get accused of things i would never do in a million years? lose friends and my sense of humor? hold my breath and hope i wouldnt get in trouble for being late cuz i encountered one red light too many on my way home? uh uh.    9 years of that nonsense takes its toll.   it may take me 9 years to feel like myself again.     i sure respect and admire those of you who even have an ounce of "yes" in your responses, but personally, i am unfastening my seatbelt and jumpin' outta this 'mobile.  wait, is the professor single?

Yes. I probably would have dated her again for a while because I did benefit from the passion that brought me back to life (at least until BPD ___ hit the fan) after a long period of mourning my late partner. BUT I would have kept it long distance, never ever would have let her move in with me and absolutely not have involved her with my children.

Thanks for the replies all. I'm very impressed by everyone's strength and resolve!

Now I've had a good nights sleep (funny how that helps) I decided to give my spot to a kind but simple man named biff who cleans the cars on our street.

I agree with the sentiment here, for a lot of us, this was a painful (but very needed) lesson we needed to learn about love, relationships and boundaries.

Now I don't have that car anymore but I know that if I could go into the future 20 years and see myself in a loving, healthy relationship (fingers crossed) I will happily call my first marriage the best mistake of my life.

I should say no, but right now if it were an option I'd say yes.  Still convinced I could save it, make it work.  I'd see the flags and fix it before it became a problem.  Its all still to fresh I suppose. 

I'm still a fool at this point but I will learn.

Better learn fast or be sucked into the game again. Call it checkmate and walk away... .you know the next move.

Interesting topic Ahoy,

Perhaps the narcissistic part of me would say yes based on the lessons I've learnt on this forum but I,  the real me would definitely say No. It would defeat the purpose of all I've learnt about my dysfunctional upbringing ever since I discovered this website.

I still am deeply enmeshed with my ex's nonBPD side as he could be very charming. But after 2yrs of NC I came to realize that I was actually more in love with "my daddy issues"  than anything else. Been addressing these since going NC. Life couldn't be better. I've forgiven my dad for being absent and myself for trying to revive him through my relationships.   

Thanks to all you wonderful people on here. Big ups to y'all

But wouldn't that exactly why if a time machine existed you would have to say yes? If you would go back and NOT go through what you went through you would not have learned what you have learned... You would be the old you not the current you.

WB just politely:) I believe when Ahoy posted his first post and "forgetting paradoxes", he meant that we could opt to simply walk away with our current experiences, or go back with our current experiences and re-experience the relationship. All to be somewhat like Marty McFly with the Back to the Future references:) This would allow Inharmsway to walk away "unscathed" and yet knowing what is known now.

You're right... .all this back to the future parallel universe Einstein time is relative stuff is confusing  :)  Every time I think about it I see another layer to it.

I would say yes... .

Why ?

Well . . just to see how it would be with the knowlidge that i have now.

Even tho it isnt that long since the split...

I feel this type of thinking will keep members enmeshed. There are no separate sides to those with BPD. It and they are the personality as one. It is my understanding that their only hope is to change their personality through intense therapy over years unless you believe in divine intervention to cure it.

Dear God no!

Together for 30 and married for 26. Now divorced.

 The sex was great.  The good times were really good.  Two wonderful kids.  To do it again, NO!   NEVER!

Maybe someday I will view it differently.  The lies, the manipulation, the walking on eggshells, and all the misery involved with her... .I can't imagine a worse hell than to do it all over again.

I mostly lurk here.  This question sparked a response.  

Having had a couple of years of therapy and having read countless posts here, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of what it is like to be caught in a relationship with a BPD. I am probably the biggest proponent of exiting ASAP!  Maybe mine was worse than others, but to even contemplate such a thing is so outrageous it makes me sick thinking about it.

Oops.  I didn't realize there were as many posts to this.

Me being a jerk - for those that would do it again... .you have to be joking!  I didn't want to say you were delusional, but if the shoe fits!

Same thing to those that think they can fix it!   You have to be kidding!

Still being a jerk... .you can't fix this!  If your significant other is truly BPD, RUN, RUN, RUN!   Safe yourself!

I agree 100% SRbikerider

RUN! ! And never look back! Lol

I want to say that it was posts like this that helped me to pursue the act of accurately assessing what I was doing through all those dark days. Thank you SRbikerider. I want to recognise you as an important part of the whole community here. I post here to balance the fact that you labelled your behaviour as a jerk. Instead of or even in addition to that label, I propose also that it's honest, it can help many people, and is an important part of the community that has savoury items instead of non-savoury to the total benefit of the whole.

Funny, my friend asked me an almost identical question just a couple of days ago. She asked if i would have not met him, and gone through this last year, given my time again.

It's a tough one. He made me the very happiest I have ever been in my life, however briefly that was for. He had me walking on air. He made me see that I was right in that my previous relationship (which ended without any animosity but a lot of sadness, and we are still friends) was missing an 'edge' and an excitement. He provided that excitement. He made me feel beautiful, loved, cherished, wanted, and desirable.  And, I hasten to add, the feelings were mutual - the physical attraction palpable. I'm not sure I've ever felt quite so much for one person, on every level.

Given my time again, would I make the same decision and still have this experience? No. Sadly, I had to shake my head and say to my friend, I would not. Despite all of the above, and I adore those memories, they feel like a surreal other life that can't really have happened to me. I've been left with a pain that I live with every day. Yes, it is fading in many ways, in some ways in feels as if it's never going to go away. It has been life changing. We've been apart as long as we were together, yet the shadow this has cast is long. I've almost lost sight of myself and have described the pain as being in a black pit where no one will throw you a ladder. I am sure many of you can relate. I am a very strong woman and I will survive this. I'm finding my own way out of the pit -  but I think the scars will be long lasting. I resent the effect this has had on me and my own mental health/happiness, not to mention the endless worry and upset it's caused my family and friends. I didn't need or deserve this to happen to me, none of us did.

I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy, as the phrase goes, so why in God's name would I wish it back on myself? We would have to be masochists to want to repeat this chapter. I am sure that some 'nons' must find themselves in that pit of despair and totally unable to get out.  Would you seriously entertain the idea of going back there?

What you are really describing is what we all think, wish and pointlessly hope for -  if only we could have our partners back as they were before they lost the plot/the mask fell off/they painted us black... .however you wish to phrase it. We can't have that, we know it, and to think otherwise is just fanciful. I know this feels like a nightmare, it certainly does to me, and the hardest part to accept is that it's not a nightmare, it really is/was happening.  That's where the total mind explosion and surreal feelings come from... ."How can this be happening to me?" 

We will eventually awake  from the nightmare, but not if we continually wish ourselves back in the land of nod!

Simply put, the pleasure was not worth the pain that ensued.

Hmmm, tough question.

Generally, no way on God's green earth would I do it again. No way. No how. No.

My son resulted from that relationship. So yes. I couldn't ask for a more beautiful and smart boy :)

Great post, great question.  Awesome reference to the Delorean.  My answer is definitely NO! That is mainly because I've learned enough to know that no matter what we do, they can't change.  We all could have done things a little differently, but I don't see a single situation on this board that makes me believe that any of these relationships could have worked out.  I had some great thrills.  I'm grateful to have been able to love someone like I did.  I'm still trying to figure out what it was all for.  I'll get my thrills somewhere else now.  Thanks for posing the question, because it reminds us all that we probably still have more detaching to do.  It is still shocking to me how these people act almost exactly the same, like there is a playbook out there (the painting black, the flying monkeys, pitting people against you).  It's a hit to the ego to realize you simply can't change them.

Stripey?  PERFECT. 

HELL NO! I'm stuck with my uNBPD mom and my BPD niece whom I don't feel I can NC - the one's too old and the other too young. Plus my zombie brother whose only saving grace is that he does the day-to-day caretaking so I don't have to. The beautiful thing with my BPD ex? I got to walk away. Bless her.

If you held a gun to my head, even then, no. 

Worst mistake I ever made. I'm almost ashamed that I asked this woman to marry me, knowing what I knew at the time. 

ABSOLUTELY NOT. I can create the euphoric recall of only remembering the fleeting good moments, but the reality was they were ALWAYS followed by some form of madness and insanity. My part was the denial and the hope it was going to get better. The fact was it only ever got worse. Let me clarify…once I started setting better boundaries, their terrible behavior escalated. If the goal is to live a lose-lose existence, they’d be a perfect partner, but I want a win-win experience in life with a healthy loving partner. Keeping on the right side of perspective - I am grateful for the lessons I have learned and continue to learn.

I want to add to my reply.

It would seem that, last night, I was at last 'painted white'. The silent treatment is over. The horrific spell of being looked through and ignored, has been broken. This is all I have been hoping and praying for, a  conversation, a chance to make peace. Well, we did that and a lot more, and talked for hours. My feelings for him have never wavered at any point, it's just that this last 5 months they have been coupled with utter despair and disbelief that someone could be THIS angry with you.

The mental and physical attraction on both sides is still sky high.

I am not attempting to get the relationship back, and he is insisting we can't work. He's right, considering that he's still telling me he doesn't deserve my love, and that lots of things are wrong with him. It's just that today, I now feel 'safe' and able to walk into my own town and go where i want, and not think if I see him, that I will get cut dead. I obviously proceed with caution, aware that this could change once more, although I sincerely hope not. There was a very specific incident attached to this very angry and prolonged ST and one I played a part in, and not one I intend to repeat.  If I can get on an even keel and be pleasant with each other, even knowing how very attracted we are to one another, then I would gratefully accept that. I want to be able to rub along here.

However, I already have doubts about whether he will seriously be able to see me as 'just a friend' - but that's the next chapter. He already categorically told me last night he's not interested in casual sex without feeling, and neither am I. So this could prove challenging considering how electric the connection. I don't know that he has factored in that his inability to be my long term partner will mean that I have got to look elsewhere, as i don't want to be alone. I wonder how he will handle that if/when it happens,  but he leaves me no alternative.

I digress. This changes everything.

But it doesn't change my previous answer. Even now, back on friendly terms, (long may it last I hope) and feeling the best I have in months... .if I had a chance NOT to have had the relationship in its entirety , I would make that decision every time.

Conversely, my caveat also remains: if I could choose to do it all again and have him but without the self doubt/hatred that manifests itself in lashing out, false accusations, drinking and melodramatic episodes followed by ST, then I would do so over and over again. That man has touched my soul.

I got a tatoo that says "Trust Your Instincts" after this was over... .does that answer the question?

No.

X was a professional victim, and I believed the lies. I was stolen from, frightened for my safety and my childrens safety.

I am disgusted that I was so easily misled, but proud of getting him out of my life as quickly as possible.

Do it again? Definitely NO.

BUT, if you ask me "if you were to go back in time, would you do it again?"... .I'd answer yes.

Yes, because I was quite young (31 years old), the relationship did last for 1,5 years (so, not that much) and this experience helped me to shed light on some of my own issues (thanks also to the help of a T), as well as understand what is an healthy relationship.

Interesting question.

My immediate answer: Noo.

But then I think: I would still be unaware of BPD, the red flags, I would probably have walked into a similar relationship in the future and experienced the same, or worse, pain.

What I really wish is that I'd known about BPD before I met him. Then definitely no way.

Not just no, but a resounding HELL NO. Life is too short. And thankfully so was our relationship, at only 5 months, give or take. Still, I would be perfectly happy to go back in time and dodge the bullet that was my SO and have that five months to relive free of the constant accusations, drama, breaking up, crying, them threatening suicide, blah blah blah.

Yep,  wouldn't have my kids,  wouldn't have some of the great memories we have shared together, wouldn't be who I am today in honesty.  Just turning a page now at 45, I feel well equipped to deal with the rest of this life.

NO, NEVER IN A MILLION.

Yes.  If I had it all over to do again I absolutely would.  Nothing to do with my feelings for her either. 

There is no substitute for experience.  What I now know about myself as a result of this r/s is far greater than anything I would have or could have ever known in 1,000,000 therapy sessions or 1,000 other dead end relationships.  I needed to choose this person to breakthrough some very stuck places that required this r/s dynamic to surface to a level that I could look at it, name it and then have the ability to address it.  Prior to, I was spinning around in a cauldron of half-hearted affairs that I never felt fully engaged with.  This r/s taught me why that was and has given me a chance to know enough about myself so that I empowered to make different choices.