BPDFamily.com

Can anyone suggest some resources for how to have the conversation with my wife about BPD and why she needs to get some help?  We've got three young children and I'd like the marriage to work out.

Welcome! 

We all desperately wish that our BPD spouse/partner would "see the light" and get proper treatment. It would make our lives and their lives so much easier. Unfortunately, having a direct conversation with someone about BPD is generally not going to be productive, and is more likely to make things worse. In over a year here, I've never heard of anyone whose partner actually listened and got help after that kind of conversation. There is some explanation and discussion here: PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0)

But, now that you've identified BPD-type behaviors and found us, you can learn about a lot of ways to reduce the conflict in your marriage and protect your children. The idea is to change our own behaviors and how we respond to things -- the person with BPD doesn't even know we're doing it. It's always going to be challenging to have a wife with BPD, but working on our side of things can make things a lot better. There are a lot of great resources here, especially the Lessons on this board and the Improving board ("Lessons" is one of the first threads listed on each board).

As we learn more about your relationship, we'll be able to point you toward some more specific tools that can help make things better. What's been going on in your marriage lately that motivated you to find us?

So you asked what's been going on in my marriage that motivated me to find this board? 

I've been married for over 20 years, but just last year did I realize how messed up my marriage was.  I can now recognize the patterns, but for many years I tried to just make it better.  Over the last 12 months I've realized I can't fill the hole in her heart.  In the last year I started going to a therapist and figuring out what I want.  I've set boundaries and stopped walking on eggshells.  I recently joined the NEA BPD Family Connections support group and have found that helpful.

It's been a rough year, and honestly it's much better than it was this time last year.  She no longer rages at me, belittles me, calls me names or yells at me.  I've also become much better at recognizing her moods and actively work to validate her when I sense she is getting down.  But she still becomes hostile toward me at times.

I think there's a limit to how much boundary-setting can do.  It's good not to suffer so much from her emotional instability, but it's not the marriage I want. 

What scares me the most is that we have two children who are emotionally very sensitive.  My limited understanding of BPD is that there is a good chance the children of a BPD person will also develop the disorder.  I want to learn how to react positively so I can model it and hopefully my kids won't suffer the same disability.

I've started practicing mindfulness and I'm interested in sharing that with my kids.  Advice for helping kids would also be greatly appreciated.