BPDFamily.com

I'm male, age 62, a second marriage, married 17 yrs, My wife is undiagnosed but I feel sure from reading "Stop Caretaking the BPD/NPD",  that she is BPD. I stay because I believe the Bible is the word of the God of Creation, the God of Israel and that it shows us the way of life. To violate it, is to court disaster. I wouldn't be in this marriage if I hadn't violated my first covenant vow, but I won't do it again. My biggest problem with my marriage is a lack of intimacy. It's not that I want physical intimacy and it is not available. The problem is emotional intimacy is not available and therefore I have no desire for physical intimacy. Physical intimacy has been such a emotionally painful ordeal in the past, that I avoid it. I cannot flirt with my wife, she doesn't understand it. If it has to be explained or you have to apoligize and defend yourself. You learn to keep your mouth shut. I pretty much keep all my thoughts and opinions to myself. When my wife wants intimacy, I have a real difficult time going there. Yet I masterbate at times. I want intimacy its just that the cost is so high, i'd rather avoid it. We went to a Marriage intensive for "Intimate Anorexia" about 3 or 4 years ago. Cost a bunch. They said we were both Intimate Anorexics but I think I am a reactive I/A because of what I deal with. We worked the program for a couple of months but she was eventually able to sabatage the process and then it was all my fault, as it is with BPDs, right? I wasn't like this in my first marriage. I have two grown children from that marriage. It lasted 22 years. We have very few close friends. I tend to protect my relationships from my wife, all of them.

My wife has not worked in years and sometimes seems to me to be barely functional. She shops on line and I have'nt been able to stop her. She sees a counselor somtimes for her depression but I don't think it does much good. To suggest to her that she might have a problem would be to ask for a verbal beating. Her 86 year old mother is the same. Everything she says about her mother is true of her but she doesn't see it.  I feel really bad about not having sex with my wife because I know its not healthy and it's not supposed to be like that. This is May and we've been intimate 3 times this year so this is not just some man complaining. Is this common in these relationships?

*welcome*

copnicus

Unfortunately lack of intimacy is common in these relations. many members here have similar difficulties as yourself. The reasons vary a lot, and can be instigated by either side, or simply that so much time is spent "caring" that it almost becomes almost a patient /carer type relationship than a bonded couple. My wife is low functioning also and I strfggle with that aspect at times

To a pwBPD it can mean either a huge emotional vulnerability, or conversely have very little meaning. It is rarely just a natural and balanced thing. The result of this is that the partners , like you, start to regard it as a minefield they dare not venture into, to the point that it holds no attraction at all.

The key to it is finding out exactly what it does represent emotionally to your wife. I guess that was the focus of a lot of the therapy you have already tried?

I'm sad to say that I, too, am one who lacks intimacy in my relationship. I blame myself for pulling away from him when he was abusing prescription drugs and alcohol. I became really disgusted by his behavior.

Lately he's made some positive changes regarding substance abuse, but we still haven't regained the close physical intimacy that we had years ago.

I think the issue is on both sides. In moments of candor, he's told me he's "afraid" of me. Considering that I'm a tiny woman who has never been physically intimidating nor am I verbally abusive, this has perplexed me.

Perhaps for both of us it's safer to have some distance from each other. And like what waverider says, it's become a minefield that neither of us is likely to venture into, nor holds much attraction.