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Title: Their bottomless pit of emptiness Post by: ArleighBurke on May 08, 2016, 06:03:15 PM Mothers day was crap (again). (uBPDw with 3 kids 12,9,5).We had 3 separate blow ups. But I just want to focus on the first... .
For the last week my wife was saying how much she didn't like token gifts anymore. For mothers day the 2 girls bought little stuff from the school stall. The oldest son wasn't able to. I talked with him and said that we didn't have to get a gift, we could make something, or do a service instead. We talked for a while. I ended saying I was quite happy to go to shops with him if he wanted. He said he'd make breakfast for mum. So he did - sausages, eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, mushrooms and baked beans. He served it up. After, at morning tea time, BPDw complained to me: - Son's gift didn't count because it wasn't a gift. I said does it have to be a girt? Does a service count? She said this one didn't because "he didn't put much effort into it - he didn't consult a recipe or do the shopping himself." (Last year he gave her a small statue with a very loving handmade message) - she told me that mothers day didn't feel special to her (this was at 10am, after having all the kids give gifts, and having breakfast). - she told me that previous mothers days were loving and from the heart, but for the last 3 yrs they weren't from the heart anymore (3 yrs ago i learnt about BPD and started emotionally separating from her). - each year the kids and I select family photos from the year and make a scrap book page (we've done it for the last 12 years!). She said that was nice, but it was practical and not from the heart, because we only selected photos that were already taken - "I'm not complaining, but it wasn't like you made a special photo shoot for the page... ." How the HELL do you vaildate all this? My first response is wanting to tell her she's a selfish b!tch. Then I want to tell her that I'm so sorry that I'll never be able to fill that bottomless pit of emptiness she has. But in the end I just feel sh!t. Title: Re: Their bottomless pit of emptiness Post by: waverider on May 09, 2016, 06:12:30 PM I think they want something that is totally not necessary rather than something that is part of normality, that is what makes it special.
To her breakfast is breakfast, nothing changes. The fact that your son made the effort doesn't mean much. It mean't little more than if you had made it. It is about what she receives not what is given. Mothers day is a testing day for BPD mums as they feel insecure as to their our mothering skills. Almost like it is judgement day |