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I know the wrong move. Or too many kisses. Not enough kisses. Not being romantic enough. Wrong position. Whatever, could piss her off and end the night. I am upset that sex is so stressful.

About 70% of the time the sex is fantastic. Then there is the other 30% where I kissed her stomach,  and she didn't like it, and I "don't receive the signals she is putting out". That I obviously do not care about what she wants and I am just trying to get off.

Sex is weird and triggery as f&%*%.

In the beginning of our relationship, sex was often and off the charts. Over the years, through some ED issues on his part, things are a mess. I'm uncomfortable with initiating now because of being turned down often, and he's too nervous to initiate because he's afraid of 'failing' (unable to keep erection)

Of course, the more he thinks and overthinks it, the worse it gets. He knows that... .and I know that. But it doesn't stop it from happening. I've told him countless times we can have fun together without that being the focus, but it doesn't matter. It's still in his head that he can't please me or he's 'not a man' if he can't ejaculate every time.

It's a mess for me, atm.

I used to be very worried during sex with my uBPDw. Same as CrazyChuck - the wrong move, gesture, word can instantly change her mood. If we havn't started yet, she'll move away, but if we have started she'll just get silent and go starfish.

It is a minefield.

I have learnt to be more aware of her. Often I see she is mentally wanting to have sex, but emotionally she's not ready. I've learnt to slow down - don't push - just go with where she's at and wait for her "cues" to go further. She knows I want sex - so pushing doesn't help. Sometimes that means backing up. Sometimes that means missing out. It's taken a long time for me to be mature enough to accept that not having sex is actually better than bad sex. And being able to walk away gracefully, and kindly, actually makes her feel safer for next time.

But I still can't work out how to initiate. Starting loving/sexy talk early in the day makes her feel "pressured". Last minute doesn't work because she takes ages to get her head out of work mode. And many times when I initiate I get told I *should* know that she's not in that mood and it's disrespectful for me to suggest that. It's still very hit and miss. But again, being able to take a no gracefully and kindly probably helps me in the long run - at the very least it allows me to keep MY sanity. (I have read a great tip - if you initiate, always have a very enjoyable backup plan. So then you don't really care if she says yes or no - yes means sex, no means I'm hitting the gym or spending 30 mins on my hobby instead).

Saw the title and thought you had some kinky stuff going on lol

99% of this describes my same issues. She shoots me down several times and then gets mad that we didn't have sex. She will even say that I do not know how to initiate how she wants, and that makes her angry. She thinks I am not acknowledging her feelings, or I would know what she wants and how and when. But it is like hitting a moving dartboard. And she gets really mad about it.

During sex she will do the "starfish" and then after say something mean like "I got nothing from that" or "This was all you I didn't enjoy it at all". Then I will find out she didn't like the position we were in. Or she didn't like I asked her to turn over. Or she didn't like that I held her arm down. Or I made her feel like a w**** because I wanted a quickie. But sometimes she will want all that. And get mad I didn't do those same things.

At first I would say it was good sex 90% of the time, and now it is down to about 70% and falling quickly.

I can start kissing her neck, and there is about a 70% chance it will work and she will say she loves it. And there is about a 30% chance she will say I have no idea what she likes, that it tickles and she hates it, and she is turned off and going to bed. But if I do nothing I get "I wanted sex last night and you couldn't even tell, you don't even know me." and be pissed.

Sex is fast becoming a trigger for her.

Sorry butt it is just boring sex lol

I don't necessarily walk on eggshells but I know that I cannot be honest about what I want. If I ask for something he is not doing I am putting him down and that causes probelms. So it ends up being the same thing over and over again, the same thing that he wants over and over again. Which is ok but if he gave a crap about me we could make it incredible. Then about 20% of the time after we are done and snuggling he starts a fight within 10 minutes which will usually kill any sexual drive I have for him for a week or two because he will get in some pretty hurtful jabs within moments.

What annoys me is I actually have a pretty high sex drive but I don't feel like doing the same thing again so I don't act on it. It's crazy how much different they are once they get comfortable because sex was one of the things we used to have a lot of fun with.

Maybe something to bear in mind is the fact that many BPD sufferers (and I believe they do suffer) have a history of being victims of sexual abuse at some stage or other in their lives.

I strongly suspect this in the case of my wife who feels very uncomfortable whenever I try to touch her intimate area with my hands.  Curiously, she's fine with me going there with my mouth or penis - just not with my hands.  This has led me to suspect that she may have been touched against her will at some stage in her past, although she has never mentioned anything of the sort.

This is very strange. My wife also hates when I touch her with my hands. This started about a year after we started dating. And it was also about the same time her BPD started to show. I assumed it was some sort of control. But it also gives her a quick trigger to stop sex. I have asked her many times if she was ever abused. She says no and she seems to be very truthful.

Having been going through ED for years now, I understand where your husband is coming from.  However, I also understand the difficulties it presents for you, which I'm sure he does too.  That's part of the reason he can't get it out of his head.  No matter what you say, he knows you are disappointed and unsatisfied.  It is purely psychological and seems like a never-ending cycle.  I would much rather it was a physical issue because it's hell when your mind doesn't cooperate.  If physical, something could probably have been done about it.  With me, if I last long enough to give her an orgasm, I am happy, even if I don't get mine.  If I get mine and she doesn't, I feel empty and like a failure. 

I want sex often; however I don't initiate it usually because if I fail, she's going to feel bad, maybe even upset because I got her all fired up and now she can't sleep.  I never turn her down because she would take that the wrong way.  She thinks I'm either cheating or masturbating too much because I should desire her more.  She doesn't seem to buy into the anxiety explanation and says I'm making excuses.  Sex now seems like a chore versus something enjoyable as it once was.  I used to last as long as she wanted to, as many times as she wanted and more.  Now I feel less than a man.  I'm in counseling but so far it's not helping.  I've been told that perhaps the ED started as a result of our marital problems.  If you don't have communication, trust and intimacy, your brain will not cooperate.

Agreed. Often my wife will initiate, I'm assuming because she thinks she has to, or because she's trying to regain that connection with me. But if we've been fighting all week, then I don't feel connected to her at all. (I also would love to say no to her but am afraid of the long term consequences of that). Or if I'm on eggshells worried about what I might do that will trigger her in bed. If I'm worried or not really into it then i notice I'm not as hard or capable. Yet if we've been having a great week, and I feel loved, then I'm a stallion! It really is in the mind.

The mind is a powerful thing!  My wife looks at how things used to be when we could get into a huge argument and still have good sex.  So I should be able to do the same now... .unless I'm cheating or not attracted to her anymore.  She always tells me she's not a robot but it seems she's expecting me to be one.  She blames me for all of our communication problems because I'm not open to her most of the time but I'm not allowed to communicate my feelings unless they coincide with hers.  When I express something that she disagrees with, she over talks me, rages and dishes out insults and putdowns.  I get angry and shutdown.  It's hard to look at her in an intimate and loving way because I feel seriously disrespected all the time.  Perhaps there is something to what the doctor told me about the marital issues in relation to the ED. 

With BPD, it just gets messy everywhere.


My husband is a victim of sexual abuse, so yes sex was already screwed up for him.


My husband gets excited when he gives me oral. He really enjoys pleasing me in that way and getting me off. He even gets hard over it. It makes him feel manly and that he can please me.

However, it isn't enough for me. That's the only thing on the menu. I mean... .I love hamburgers, but I really want chicken nuggets sometimes, know what I mean? He knows this, and it adds to the mental soup of f*ckery.

He's so afraid I'm going to cheat or leave. I hate that he worries about it. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to do that to him. I don't blame him for a physical/mental issue. I know it's not me now, as well. In the beginning when the problems first started, I didn't know about BPD yet, and I really thought it was me. I thought he didn't find my attractive anymore, or maybe he got bored with me. I don't now, and I haven't thought that for years... .but it's still in his head. He felt so bad that I thought it was me.

But yeah... .on a day to day basis, it's gotten to the point to where I hate trying. I'm comfortable. He tells me to be more aggressive... .I'm more aggressive and then he says I'm treating him like a piece of meat.

He says to do dirty talk. I try my hardest to do that... .and I get laughed at.

He says to not move and don't make noise because the kids might hear and that bothers him. I try my best. I really do. It's not enough.

I'm tired of nothing I do being enough... .because the problem isn't me, and it isn't any of these things he says I need to do. It's him and what he thinks about himself.

So... .I get tired of trying.

@dacoming

With his BPD, though... .nothing is really going to 'work'. It's always going to be this mental mess. It's a day by day, case by case basis that hopefully we can find some common ground in the future.

Uhm... .you might consider other expansions on the menu. Perhaps fish sticks would help when the kitchen is out of chicken nuggets? By that I mean that there are toys he could use on you... .no it isn't the same, and may not even be a good substitute... .but it is something else on the menu, and both of you might enjoy it too.

I had another thought about things like that, from Dan Savage. If he gets you off with some toy or other, *HE* still did it, even though he used a tool. If a carpenter uses a hammer (or even a nail gun) to build a house, it was still the carpenter who did it. The hammer didn't build the house! Perhaps that analogy will help him?


I've never been comfortable with dirty talk, at least during sex. I have heard Dan Savage's simple advice on how to talk dirty for people who aren't comfortable/don't know how: Say what you're going to do. Say what you are doing. Say what you did. His very simple example: I'm going to f* the s*** out of you. I am f*ing the s*** out of you. I just f*ed the s*** out of you.

Dunno if that will help.

In your H's case, I think the bigger problem is that he doesn't really know what he wants, and is horribly conflicted... .so he grasps for straws, hoping that if he just asks you do do "X" it will make everything better... .and it doesn't. And he keeps trying. "Be aggressive" "You make me feel like a piece of meat" "Talk dirty" (laughs) etc.

You would do well to keep it in the back of your head when he asks for something like this that he's grasping for straws... .and go ahead and give it a try, but not be too surprised if it doesn't go well.


Yeah. Like you said. The fundamental insecurity is bigger than all the little problems. They may make the insecurity worse... .and fixing one of them may make it better. Still, if he's feeling that badly, he's in a place where he needs to find something and make it be a problem, and he will. And it has nothing to do with you, and very little to do with the actual "problem" he's talking about.

My wife has BPD... I am codependent. what a match. The sexual connection was never there after we married. You know codependents just can ever let a smirk or a negative comment go and have fun. My wife of course fears  abandonment yet became uber critical, things never were good enough. A mess with less and less. So we plodded on for 30 years I have shut down sexually which adds to her pain and our painful relationship. ... .when I was young I strove for sex, fantasized about it... ."normal". Today between the codep and the BPD tendencies we do not have sex. I have done alot more to understand me and tune up things I need to improve. My wife knows she BPD but avoids all therapy. She only takes meds from a psych but won't discuss therapy. I try to initiate sex but my heart is not in it because I can never be me. Viagra can't help this, it's in my mind (those stupid commercials always cause a fight) I am one of those guys who wants to be loved and cared for first, sex is the icing on the cake. All of her raging and our fights center around our sex life. I understand her deep seated feeling of abandonment, ultra low self image, feeling unsexy because I don't see her as sexy. So I will keep trying to initiate it but working working working at it takes the fun out of it. I am not one of the males who can forget everything else, all the drama, and criticizm... .get it up and have passionate sex. I wish I was.

I always had problems with my exBPD/npd a day after sex. I think if triggered certain things. She would break up with me or go quite for a few days

The best strategy with sex and BPD is to just lay it all out there.  Instead of there being implied issues, ask questions and be willing to spell it out.  Something around 85% of people with BPD were sexually abused as children, so sexual issues are going to be huge.  The thing is that you at least need to know the triggers and support them as they work on their issues.  And don't be afraid to take care of business yourself.  Trust me on that one.  It will make you much calmer while things are worked on.

I think our major problem is we don't agree what the cause of the problem is.  She forms an opinion and just me expressing my feelings if they don't match her feelings causing big arguments.  Not just about this, about anything.  This, along with the false accusations, insults and putdowns really bothers me.  I get blamed for all of our problems, all of the kids shortcomings, her shortcomings... .I don't feel we are emotionally connected anymore.  I'm certain that I'm having mental issues, nothing physical.  I've been to the doctor, psychiatrist multiple times, done tons of research online.  She feels I'm just making excuses and that my masturbating over the years has caused me to not respond to her.  I've stepped back from that.  My problem generally was not getting it up, it was staying hard during intercourse.  Lately getting it up has been an issue at times also.  I can't remember the last time we had sex where I felt relaxed.  I feel anxiety throughout and the whole time, I'm wondering how I'm doing or hoping I don't go down.  When things were well, I was pretty confident, knowing I would do well and last long.  Right now I have no confidence.  I feel I've been destroyed mentally.

I'm going to suggest something since you've done what you needed to do with medical and psychological issues.  At some point, ideally not right before sex, you need to get her to speak her piece.  Don't be afraid to ask questions and let her get it all out.  She needs to speak her feelings.  Either she comes out and says what she feels, and you can work with that however you wish, or she doesn't talk, and you know you did your best from there.

Speaking from experience, people with BPD have a tendency to feel threatened when their loved ones have any sort of sexual outlet besides them.  I know my ex-wife looked at masturbation as the same level as adultery.  In the sexual realm, anything can be considered abandoning.  You have to make your piece with that until they decide to work on that.  However, you can't make them want to work on it.  They have to make that decision on their own.

It comes and goes.  Essentially, there will be a miscommunication and suddenly I am frigid and need to much attention during sex, I "take too long", I think he's a bad lover, etc.

Sometimes he will think he's made it clear he's interested in sex, but to me it looks like he's pissed off, so I stay away - argument.

Sometimes I will try to initiate at a time when I feel pretty good, have energy, and he will rebuff me, and won't be in the mood till hours later when I am now exhausted and ready for sleep, so I get accused of being a tease.

This is not always, not even often, but it's bad when it happens.  Usually, he gets pissed, moves to the couch to punish me (look what you made me do!), and I get little to no sleep.  I ahve sleep maintenance insomnia, where I can fall asleep, but don't STAY asleep, so even if I doze off, I will wake, realize he's gone, and get upset over it and have to fall asleep again.

My wife does look at masturbation as wrong or similar to cheating.  Before, I dismissed it because each doctor/psychiatrist determined it not a problem and I felt that was not the problem.  Now, even though I disagree with her, I attempt to not masturbate at all because it's a problem for her.  Of course there have been slip ups but I really try.  The problem is still there as strong as ever... .she just assumes I'm sneaking and masturbating regardless because I never stopped before.  She has expressed her feelings thoroughly... .I just can't express mine.  She doesn't even believe what the doctors are saying.

She asks, why masturbate?  Because there is no pressure to perform or please anybody.  You get your rocks off and you are done.  I didn't mind the pressure when I was confident but now I need to figure out how to get it back.  One doctor told me that I was going through marital PTSD and the problem was due to the relationship, not me.  She felt if I removed myself from it, things would fix on its own.

 

Well, that is a problem, it isn't something you are going to resolve with a pwBPD, so I wouldn't focus much energy there. I believe it is a secondary one, instead of a primary one.

Stick with your reality and your beliefs, even when she contradicts you. If you believe masturbation isn't causing any problems, don't let go of your reality. You can still choose not to because of how much it upsets her... .but understand that she is disordered and her version of reality is distorted. Don't try to convince her she is wrong... .but don't let her convince you that you are either. Convince her that you aren't going to argue about it.


I highlighted the issues on your side of things here. I'm a bit of a hard-nosed pragmatist here... .I'm not sure if you can fix this in your r/s or not... .but I'm pretty sure there are some things that absolutely won't work for you.

1. The idea that your ED is the natural mental/emotional result of being abused and beaten down by your wife isn't something that she can face or deal with. Trying to tell her this will just make a new fight and pile on more abuse, making it all worse. It is true... .but discussing it with your wife probably isn't going to work. The stars might align and she might be in a receptive mood where she can hear this... .but even if she does, it will get thrown back at you later when she's not in that mood.

2. I think your best chance of healing this is to stop letting her tear you down like that. Boundary enforcement works. You can remove yourself from her company whenever she starts criticizing, accusing, putting you down, etc. No, she won't like it, but you CAN do this.

As you get better at boundary enforcement, you will realize how effective it is, and knowing you don't have to be subjected to it your fear will start to subside, and you will start to recover somewhat emotionally.

Another boundary you can apply is saying "no" to sex when you don't feel close enough to her to want it.

3. As you get better at this and get stronger, you can work on validation and other tools/skills here. As you heal and get stronger, the ED may improve.

And... .as I said, your wife really won't like the boundary enforcement. She'll blow up and try to escalate things in a big extinction burst. Perhaps she will leave/kick you out even; that's her choice.

Thanks for your advice, very helpful!  My wife has to be the hardest person to enforce boundaries with (although I'm sure several folks on here will disagree).  She finds a way to switch everything onto me.  I really do understand her frustration and feel terrible each time the sex goes wrong.  She just accuses me of being selfish and not caring about her.  This morning she accused me of having some kind of sick fetishes hidden away which causes me to not be turned on by normal marital relations and that the devil has my mind.  I actually initiated sex this morning but lost my erection and could not get hard again for intercourse.  I've been feeling really down all day, unable to focus on my job.  This is why I rarely initiate, fear of disappointment.  Not because I never want any.  She gets mad and fusses at me if I go a while without trying, accusing me of cheating or preferring to masturbate over her.

Just to be clear, everything I've bolded is abusive.


For most all of us, our partner is the hardest person to enforce boundaries with... .for the rest, it is probably a parent, sibling, or other relative that has BPD or other mental illness.

In your case, pretty much anything she says about sex with you, and certainly anything she says about your ED is abusive.

The boundary is that you aren't going to discuss this with her. AT ALL.

Yes, you can understand how frustrating it is for her. You can empathize. She doesn't understand how hurtful and frustrating it is for YOU. She probably can't. So whatever she says is more hurtful and more frustrating, and just piles on to the feelings that are the source of your problems.

Don't try to convince her that she's wrong. Just convince her that you WON'T talk about it with her. You might try saying once "Not discussing it with you like this is the best thing I can do about it today." But don't get sucked into arguing about it or defending yourself... .just remove yourself from her company immediately if she can't drop the subject.

At some point you maybe stronger and able to hear her out and validate her... .but for now I recommend against even trying... .when you start empathizing, she will slide back into criticism, judgment, and attacking before you even realize that it happened two minutes earlier in the discussion. Wait until you've nailed the skill of ending discussion about it immediately.

Thanks Grey Kitty, I needed to hear this.  I will take your advice.  She doesn't realize that all of the bad things she says to me about the sex compounds the problem in my head.  She's said way worse... .like the time we were arguing and talking about potentially divorcing and she said sex with me is the worst and that it would feel good for her when she gets with someone who can $#$& her right.  At times, she does try to encourage me but she contradicts the good with the bad things she says.

I always try to support people in improving their relationships, and I want to support you. Still, I gotta say the first thing that came into my head when I read this:


If you separate, heal, and start a new relationship, or even just have a fling/hookup after this, YOU will be astounded at how much better sex can be with somebody who is capable of focusing on you and caring about you, unlike all the abuse you've been experiencing.

Have you totally forgotten that you have sexual needs and desires, and how unfulfilled they are with her, distracted by all her complaints, criticism, and abuse?

It seems I have forgotten about my needs and desires.  I had a therapist one time ask me what do I like to do for fun/relaxation or what do I want out of the marriage and strangely enough, I did not know other than wanting peace.  She told me that it seems every move I make is focused on what my wife would think or what she wants and that I needed to focus on me.  However, all I hear from my wife is how selfish I am and how I hurt her all the time and never think about her... .I don't know how to please her at this point because everything seems to be wrong.  For Mother's Day, I bought her a 1/2 carat diamond necklace online and also found a nice foot spa for her to get a foot/body massage.  She did not like the necklace and accused me of not putting effort into her Mother's Day gift because ordering online is the lazy, effortless way of doing it.  I did actually research online and went to the foot spa shop to buy the certificates, one for her and one for our daughter (who gave my wife hers because she doesn't like foot massages).  This was overlooked.  She felt I was more excited and put more effort into my Mom's birthday gift (Box set of Threes Company DVDs) which I also ordered online and had delivered to her.  She just nagged at me the other day because I haven't returned the necklace to find something else she would like.  I bought her two massage gift certificates from a highly rated place last year for Mother's Day and to date, she still hasn't used them.  Her excuse is she often feels bad health wise and haven't been able to make it.  Plus, I would need to drive her which I've offered.  However, she was mad at me for the entire evening one day last week because she bought me a stuffed animal dressed in military gear when I retired from the USAF.  We moved afterwards and I lost track of what happened to it.  My daughter found it and sat it on the kitchen table so since I didn't grab it and put it away quick enough, it meant I didn't care about her gift and all of the effort she made to get it when she didn't even feel good.

I feel for everyone on here when it comes to sexual issues.  I have dealt with this for years with my wife.  I don't have ED but have not been able to actually finish the task for myself in years.  I just lie to her and tell her I did.  When sex only happens 1-2 times a year it's difficult to get there.  I have tried so many times to help her understand that it is very important to me and our marriage but it doesn't make much of a difference in the end.  I was recently accused of cheating on her because of how withdrawn I'd become. That and I wouldn't give her access to the new bank account.  I asked her if she felt that she was actually trying to be there for me as my wife and the only person who I am supposed to have sex with.  She said no.  I then asked her why she would feel the need to accuse me of cheating if she doesn't feel the need to have sex with me.  That's where the conversation ended.  We have had sex 2 times since then, which makes it a grand total of 2 times this year.  Even bringing it up will trigger her.  I get told that she feels that I only want her for sex.  Sadly my smartazz comment "if I only wanted you for sex, I would have left a long time ago because we don't have sex more than 1-2 times a year", was not the best thing I could have said.  But it felt really good to actually say it.

I have come to the realization that, after 20 years of marriage and no real sex life for the last 15, I have given up on it.  I used to hope I would get ED so I wouldn't need sex in my life.  I've even tried herbal supplements that are supposed to lower your libido.  I didn't get ED and the supplements never worked.  I still have never cheated but I no longer stay away from situations where it could happen either.  I have quite frankly given up on the idea of a sexual relationship with my wife of 20 years.  Kind of sad but being told no so often and in so many demeaning ways, takes its toll after a while.  

You are in a tough spot.  First time I heard of someone taking herbal supplements to decrease libido... .let's switch lol.  Actually, I still want sex most of the time, just get anxiety with my wife while doing it.  I've been taking herbal supplements for just over 3 weeks hoping it makes things better.  So far, my erections in the middle of the night and morning have returned.  Hoping Schizandra helps with the anxiety, no signs yet. 

I'm sure you are not wanting to cheat but she refuses to have sex with you.  I wish I had an answer for that.  You might have to tell her you are on the verge of cheating or something because you are hungry and not being fed.  You love her and only want to be with her but you are starving.

I hope everyone who is posting on this thread remembers that there is another person involved with sex.  The pwBPD may have emotional issues related to sex or being any kind of physical.  Do not choose your pleasure over her/his pain.  Im not really seeing much of anyone giving reasons for why the sex life has become what it is... .you do need to consider why it got to that point... .what is going on with her/him.  Not just think about yourself and how you really need to have an orgasm.  That is not the most important thing in a relationship.  Be mindful of your partner and yes it is difficult to understand but we need to try.

she told me that she I always hated sex, that it was the worst part of our relationship, etc.  I laughed and said ":)id you tell your body that?  Because your body absolutely loved it

They loved it... .So if someone has an orgasm while being raped?  I disagree with your logic on how YOU determine if SHE enjoyed sex with you.  The body will respond to physical stimulation.  You don't know what was in her mind during sex so I really dont see how you can conclude she enjoyed it... .  Just saying... .having BPD doesnt make her incapable of determining if she enjoyed it or not... .could have been the BPD that allowed her to create the illusion for you that she was enjoying it.

Or she did enjoy it, but hates that she enjoyed it.  She may have felt closer to him during it, and that closeness was uncomfortable for her to handle.

My wife has basically said that she had to force herself to have sex with me (at some point).  I do not enjoy sex with her assuming she ever wants it with that knowledge.  Well, she did ask a couple of months ago (after three years), but I declined.  No way will I have sex again with her just for that reason.  It is a turnoff to think someone is forcing herself to have sex with me.    She has also complained about my approach.  Amusingly, she does not care for too much foreplay while I am big on it.

However, when we did have sex, there were times I would make a "mistake" and the sex would be over just like that.

I've been through that one as well.  She says she enjoys it but when she's in a bad mood, she says she doesn't.  I have tried to focus on staying away from the subject completely.  Even the meantime of it triggers her now.  Just 2 weeks ago she took a gesture I made as a joke as me saying I wanted to have sex.  She was upset with me for 2 days.  When I tried to let her know that I was joking and didn't want to have sex, that just made things worse.   

I also do not enjoy the feeling that she is only doing it because she thinks I will leave or cheat.  I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.  It seems that bringing it up makes her mad.  Even once or twice a year seems time an that sex is all I want her for.  But not bringing it up means that I don't find her attractive or that I'm cheating.  There is really no solution here.  I usually just try to choose the one that causes the lightest meltdown and deal with it.

It is interesting to read all this. My H had horrible ED in the beginning and then again when we first separated. He would rage about it. He also had ED issues with his first wife. Once we figured it out, our sex life was phenomenal. Both of us have agreed on that. HOWEVER, whenever he is feeling insecure, he will accuse me of being a f'ing whore because it is good and I must've done everyone in my path for our sex to be that good. I happen to feel super comfortable with him during sex, we always have this great connection and I try to get him to see the point that he tells me it that it has never been better for him either. He can hear that sometimes but we always get back to what a whore I am at some point. Breaks my heart. I will miss the good sex if we divorce but I will NOT miss being called a whore.