BPDFamily.com

 :)Hi there. I would love some advice from those with any experience of trying to get their partner properly diagnosed (after many severe melt downs and breakups).

To give a bit of background, we are 3 years into a relationship, if you can call it that with the sudden and illogical breakups he has been implementing the last year and a half. Since very early 2015, it's been a sorta 3 months on / 3 months off  routine due to his intense delusions of me potentially cheating or leaving. First breakup I had no idea what was going on, it was so sudden and based on him being so convinced of me having a non existent affair. But he pursued me like crazy, weeks later, trying to win me back, being so adoring plus insanely needy with mounting paranoia once again.

Then after 3 months another epic push away, but this time he was so cold and distant, and accusatory and angry. Broke up suddenly with a text message saying no more contact, and that I'm a liar etc. Meanwhile I'd done nothing but show love and support... That separation lasted a few months, I was utterly heartbroken and still not knowing it might be BPD. My life fell pretty well to pieces. It was extra confusing to me as this time he didn't try to win me back. It was just a bleak silence...

Then we rebonded after about 3 months at a friends party and slowly came back to being together. We agreed that yes there was love still there between us, but didn't know how to navigate the situation. I knew he hadn't been himself so to speak, I said that I thought he needed help, but when he wasn't actively seeking it and the accusations were rising again, I opted for couples counselling. I realise now that was me trying to mend things I couldn't without him seeking the right help. And the counselling was probably the wrong type for a BPD sufferer, triggering him into further guilt / attack cycles. So after 3 months, again he irrationally broke up with me (over a nothing comment I made at dinner).

I said I'd stay by him though, and that he just needed help, but the pressure to 'get fixed', I think was too much for him. I can understand in hindsight it was too difficult to be in the relationship by then and we both needed space and healing. Rather than plugging away at that time, when he wasn't well. But every time he ends it, he makes it feel so final, and I believe it and it hurts like hell!

After a painful patch of time I started to feel better, to remember who I am and to not feel so susceptible to his roller coaster, but this coincided with his recovering a bit and surprise surprise, 3 months later, (now, present day) we start hanging out again. It's so hard to stay away, though I've tried! There really is a beautiful love there which is constantly interrupted but not really going away.

We both seem to find it so hard to finally let go, and there is a mutual love of each other's company, but how to negotiate anything from here? We have both found the loss of each other to be terrible. So the situation remains unresolved and up and down. He's afraid the relationship will once again trigger him into negative thoughts, bad dreams and bad behaviour and I'm afraid of the accusations and the cold push away. An impossible dynamic to shake without help I guess... ?

I promised myself I wouldn't get into anything with him unless he was getting help and therapy and was finally diagnosed (with what I'm certain will be BPD if diagnosed correctly). My own mental health suffers a lot when he cuts off from me like that. I have my own therapy now which is helping me be stronger, and helps me to look at myself and what's led me to stay in the situation etc, but as we get closer again, I wonder what to do. I worry I'll get that horrible text message any minute... .

He recently got a doctors referral to a psychiatrist for diagnosis but is, as usual, stalling on going and just keeping himself busy with projects. He never says "hey I really want to go get help now" though I do know he doesn't want to suffer with the mood swings and episodes anymore. He's suffered extreme trauma in his life, I feel for him. Such a gentle person at heart, expressive and loving quite a lot of the time.

Any advice on how to talk to him or take control of the situation, for myself anyway. I can't control someone else in their own path of healing, yet I do feel it's probably going to end in tears if I don't do something if we are going to hangout again. We don't live together. He's only just coming good again recently and coming out of a very deeply depressed patch.

Any success story people who have advice... ? Or anyone really...

I've been through a hell of a lot already, but if he finally got help, is there hope... .? And how to go about it from here without triggering him and the like. Eggshells. Even when you tell yourself you're not walking on them anymore, well there I go trying to dodge them again!  

I've come to terms with it not working out much more than I have in the past, feeling a bit like my own person again. But he does show signs to me, somehow, that there is hope, and I feel it too, but hey, I could be on this posting board tomorrow saying "scrap that, he's done it again... .!' ... .

I'd like to add that I realise him going for a diagnosis session won't just cure him and get things back on track for us. But I'm wondering if anyone felt relief at their partner getting diagnosed and therefor having a mutual understanding of the condition. And perhaps a plan of attack... ? A starting point as such, to know if you can even work on a future together... .

Also, I'm really interested to know how others approached the conversation which may have caused the final push needed to get their loved one into the psychiatrists office. Was it a hardline ultimatum or gentle coaxing. What works? Guessing it's different for everyone though... .:)