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I thought we could be friends,but it can't work that way. We have a S7 together, co-parenting, 50/50. But she had an affair and left me for that man. We've been separated for 6 months, divorced for 2.

We still need to write a parenting plan together though.

She's still with her affair partner and she introduced S7 to him a week after we moved away from eachother.

I just can't be around her anymore. I hate going to her house because she has pictures of the man on the wall and stuff. Hate being around her because she does little things to get to me like mentioning the man's country or heritage whenever something related to it is around us.

I was trying to do it for our kid, to feel like his family was still intact. But it's torturous. I want to just be done with her.

We originally said we'd do big holidays together but I can't. I don't want to be around her and especially not around her boyfriend. I can't pretend everything is ok.

How should I tell her this? TY

You dont need to explain yourself, just do what is right for you. I can relate to everything you are saying.  Mine also says she wants to be friends. I told her, i have lots of friends and none of them abuse me or commit fraud or sleep with my friends. I'm going to keep it that way. Do most of comms over email or whats app. Dont speak to her. Don't see her. Those are my rules. Its time to heal. After two years it might be different.  Then I've moved on too.

Have you heard of parallel parenting?

Hi coping86  

That sounds like a tough situation. I know it can be hard to co-parent with difficult personalities... .it's even worse when our own feelings get in the way.

Parallel parenting is what works for our family (in my case, I'm the stepmom and the bio mom is uBPD). We've had a lot of conflict which uBPDbm has escalated to false claims of abuse (CPS, TROs, etc). We communicate only using Our Family Wizard. We do exchanges at police stations only. We follow the court order as closely as we possibly can. Separate holidays. Separate school conferences. It's cut down on a lot of the drama which has made things a lot calmer and easier for SD11.

Our case is on the more high conflict side, though. There are others here who are able to work with the pwBPD to coparent.

Moselle: I know it's right but it's something that gets me anxious. I don't know how to bring myself to do it. I have to, I can't live this way anymore, but she will say I'm a bad father for it, that I don't care about our son. And she may get angry. I have heard of parallel parenting, in a way it's what we would end up doing. Except for the major decision making part, that would still be between us. I don't really tell her what to do when he is at her house.

Thunderstruck: Yea it's been really hard. I've had so many emotions in between it all. I haven't completely gotten over her, I don't know if that is ever complete but, it hurts to see her with someone else right now. And to see that person in my son's life. Sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds very hostile but it sounds like you are doing the right thing and taking the steps needed to ensure a good environment for yourselves and the child.

Coping,  I must reiterate that mine is hostile,  dangerous and very high conflict as well. Thanks Thunderstruck for pointing that out.

It sound's like yours is far more cooperative. Do you have a good therapist? They might be able to help you through the process of changing this dynamic whilst limiting the damage.

Yes, she is likely to blame you etc, however a happy dad is more imlortant to your child than a compliant one. Its best not to pay much heed to the opinions of someone with a serous mental illness and just do what you believe is right. 

I know this is tough. Hang in tbere

Sorry to hear that coping86. My situation was similar. She introduced then S4 and D1 to the guy right after she moved out. Within two months, she started having major problems with our son, and for a couple of months, the kids didn't want to go with her. Of course, it's classically BPD to have superficial empathy. She only realized it after our son's behaviors hurt her. Even then, she referred to it like, "I know I made a mistake," in a tone applicable to mixing white with colors in the wash.

I received (and still do) similar guilt about acting like an intact family for the kids' sake. I was invited on a vacation over a year after she left, and things were more stable. I declined.

Think of it this way: you need to take care of you, which is best for both you and your son. I had a lot of anxiety and depression for over two years, especially after the guy became the kids' step dad. It does get better, but the ball is in our court in that regard.

I've switched to more co-parenting now, mostly because my Waif-Hermit (with a little Queen) started reaching out to me. It's more on my terms. I'm careful not to shame her, though, as shame (real or perceived) is a huge trigger for pwBPD.

The first time I went to her apartment and saw his toothbrush and towel in the bathroom, t killed me inside. Exchanges happen at her mom's house, or in her parking lot. Empathy and understanding is something we need to give ourselves. Have you seen any material on boundaries here? How is your son doing?

Moselle: I'm sorry you are dealing with such a toxic person.

I don't have a therapist, I can't afford it. I have a few odd walk in counseling sessions.

I wish I knew the right approach. The right way to tell her, I think we need to keep some distance between eachother.

Sometimes it feels like there's so much on my plate.

Turkish:I'm sorry to hear you and your kids also had to go through that.

It helps in knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way.

You're right thought, I do need to take care of myself.

I really do. It's just hard to put an end to something I'm holding onto, but is hurting me at the same time.

It's tough to see someone standing in the place you used to stand.

I haven't read any boundary material but I would like to.

My son is doing ok, he likes this guy so it sort of hurts to see that but it is what it is. He's still at that age, too young to really figure anything out by himself.

Hi coping86,

I don't know that you have to have a conversation with your ex about spending time together.  I would just gradually start to decline the offers to interact and at the same time start developing a life more independent of your ex.

As far as her calling you a bad dad... .don't buy what she's selling.  My SO struggled with this one too, once he realized that he was in fact a good dad, a very good dad for that matter and believed it those kind of comments rolled right off.  In my SO's case those kinds of comments were in fact a lot of projection on his uBPDxw's part.

Hang in there,

Panda39

Here's is some material we have:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)

BOUNDARIES: Case studies  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0)

Panda39's suggestion is good. It's similar to a Detaching tool: bland, boring, emotionless (think Spock). You don't have to provide explanations. pwBPD don't see boundaries well with others. I got a let of guilt (FOG) about what's "best for the kids." Am I gong to trust the perceptions of an often emotionally unstable person, with an incoherent sense of self who forms attachments to soothe the emptiness inside?

As for your son, validate how he feels. It can be tough, especially if he likes the guy. Your his DAD, and short of severe, coordinated alienation, he won't think otherwise, even if he forms an attachment to the other person.

Hi coping,  you are getting good advice here. You don't have to talk to your ex. I share s9 with my ex. I dropped s9 off at school on Thursday morning, my ex BPD/npd wife called 3 times back to back, that's her trick to get me to answer. I called the school to see if s9 was okay,  he was fine. All they do is demoralize, pass on there toxic poison. My T hammered home ownership, don't own what your ex says. 2 weeks ago I was blamed for s9 cavities.  They project on us. I did the doing things like a intact family, it's hard on you and the children. It's all about control and they will do and say anything to maintain it. When the BPD/npd sees you growing it scares them and they will try every trick in the book to keep you down, including using the new bf as the shiny new dad. I have no I'll feeling towards my ex's bf. In the beginning it was uncomfortable but 23 of s9 chromosomes are mine, never her bf's. She's feeding him, he thinks he's the new sheriff in town. And he takes the new job pretty serious.

Lol. The new sheriff in my life is a previous friend of mine. He's gonna have a heart attack, when her hatred becomes his little blessing. He's sitting with a pretty big smile whilst it is directed at me. It may take 1 year, it may take 10, but it will happen. 

Panda39: Yes I will decline invitations. I'm not sure if she would get the point unless I told her something but I'm not sure. I think I will get the parenting plan out of the way with her first. Then decide what the best course of action

would be.

Turkish: Thank you I will check them out, any information is appreciated.

Yes you're right, I don't believe there is any alienation at the moment that I know of. Unless what's already happened is a form of it, but I will keep as close to my child as humanly possible. I won't ever quit being the person he needs in his life.

bus boy: Yes, that's certainly low of your ex to blame a tooth problem on you. You're right about using every trick in the book. She is a master manipulator. It's good that you harbor no ill feelings towards your ex's bf. I wish I could feel the same way, but unfortunately he decided to become involved with a married woman. I can forgive him for what he did by being polite if I ever have to see him and not being disrespectful. But I don't want him in my life. And I certainly don't trust his judgement for my son, but I must accept it. I may not like it, but I must accept it.

Moselle: Hmm yea, they don't know the real side of our ex's. Hell, it took me a good 2 years to start to see it.

But they are in a fantasy bubble right now. Unfortunately my son has to be part of the bubble when he's with them.

Hi ... I just can't believe how so many different people can be the same situation yes my replacement has been around my son a lot longer than I realised. .just as I was to her first child she was calling me dad after a few months got told her dad didn't want owt to do with her mmmm don't believe that story now after how I've been blackened... my BPD moves the goal post every week un be knowing to me for my replacement time and pleasure yes at first it cut deep but I've got past that just hope my son5 doesn't get pushed aside cos that's how it looks... gets told to go to is bedroom and play is x box's mmmm one of the hardest things to handle is when ya son slips up and calls you by your replacement name. ... For a second I was speechless but saw the pain in is face ... so I did what normal fathers do I pick him up cuddled him and said it's ok as long as he's nice to you its ok to be is friend it's heartbreaking but putting his feeling before my own. ... .not wanting to be judgemental but how many more will son5 and sd 13 have to see cos for six years it was me ... .hope he's ready for the rough Rd ahead ties well and truly cut