BPDFamily.com

I am sticking my toe in the water on this for first time. I have an 8-year-old daughter and am stuck in a relationship with abusive BPD/NPD mother.

What kind of abuse have you been experiencing? What does your daughter see, and is she a target, too? You may feel isolated, but we're here to talk in a safe place.

T

Hi markjjsmith95

*welcome*

I would like to join Turkish and welcome you. I'm happy to hear that you had the courage to join our discussions.

There are specific tools (communication, validation, boundaries, timeout) that everyone in a relationship with a person suffering from borderline personality disorder needs to master. People with this disorder tend to perceive the world differently than you and I, but there is an order and the rationale within that perception - it's not just random craziness as we might sometimes think. Our senior members on the Staying board are very good at helping apply these principles to everyday life problems. The educational material associated with that group is based on the work from leading experts in the disorder.

It helps to read as much as you can about the disorder. You will quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. I'm glad that you have found us. It helps to talk.


----Mutt

Thank you for the responses. She is mainly emotionally and verbally abusive to me and our daughter. A good example is last night: I made dinner and in doing so I put some dirty dishes in the washer. She said the few dishes that were already in the washer were clean. (The simple solution would be to wash them again.) She began ranting and raging that I was wasting water and energy. She then took all of the dishes out of the washer and dumped them in the sink, and told me I had to wash them by hand. All this is in front of our daughter. I would simply walk away, but I can't leave our daughter because I'm not the biological father -- although I have raised her from birth. My partner has never allowed me to adopt her because she knows that my relationship with our daughter is the key to keeping me trapped. Given my partner's behavior, my daughter and I are particularly close. There does not seem to be any help anywhere for people in my shoes. So I turned to this group. Maybe there are things you know to help me get through until my daughter is older?

Hi markjjsmith95,

That sounds like a terrible night.  I would feel frustrated and denigrated. Sometimes the communication tools don't work and our partners need to self sooth. I would suggest getting away.

TOOLS: how to take a time out (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0)

How old is your SD? ( step daughter )

Thank you Mutt. She is 8. As painful as things are for me, I am more worried about her: I don't want her growing up to think this is how people treat each other and end up in an abusive relationship herself.

Also - I am new to this site: if there are tools, etc, anyone can pass along through links, that would be greatly appreciated. In fact any direction at all - including using the boards- would be helpful. I've been managing alone for many years but it's clear I need some help. And so far I'm feeling pretty helpless about my situation. Thank you.

This is a good place to start:

LESSONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206)

Work your way through them slowly. It puts the links and tools into a logical order. It is good to consolidate what you learn and keep revisiting. Learning how to not make things worse than need be is the starting point, along with boundaries to stop you feeling so powerless.

We used to argue over petty things like loading the dishwasher etc.

As far as setting an example to your daughter, the damage is done not by one dysfunctional parent, it is consolidated when the other does not then display strong examples of good boundaries to counter this behavior. These are the tools your daughter can learn from you. Kids can get used to having one "crazy" parent. Life is full of "crazy" people so learning how to deal with them is a life skill they need to learn.

Thank you waverider! I appreciate the direction.

A lot of the things you will learn are across the board life skills, not just ways of dealing with BPD.

Hello,

I have a daughter who’s 7 years old. Both my mum and my grandmother are BPD.

I think Waverider is  right. It’s all about setting your boundaries and  be an example to your daughter this way. Like this, she will learn  to do the same. If you can encourage her to  do so, I think this could be very important for her. 

I think it’s also important that you name the ‘weird’ behavior and you tell your daughter that the behavior is odd. So she realizes she is not going crazy. Because I sure did when I was a child - one day something was white, the next it was black. You just end up not trusting yourself anymore.

I think that knowing that something sometimes is wrong with the behavior of her mum will not cause your daughter to love her mum any less. It will only teach her to stay more grounded, have trust in her intuition and develop more healthily. The last thing you want  is that she thinks  the behavior of her mum is normal. And if you don’t name it as ‘abnormal’, she will think it’s normal. Children always think their home situation is normal, also when it’s dysfunctional. A lot of damage control can be done (if you ask me at least) if we point out the abnormalities, and name them as such. That does not even mean that the abnormal behavior has to change, just naming it is a great start. I always do this with my daughter, and it seems to give her some mental rest. I always tell her that she is not the problem, but the behavior of her grandmother / great grandmother is. And that has nothing to do with devaluating her grandmother or great grandmother … we are talking about behaviors here, not about people.

Maybe other members can give you their opinion on this viewpoint too, but for me and my daughter, I think it works.

Good luck and keep us updated !