BPDFamily.com

I heard that couples therapy can be a disaster.

Anyone share stories on how going to therapy together was like?

My partner is undiagnosed but suspected BPD by many exes and I. She has something no doubt...

Is there anything apart from DBT that may be a good alternative for an undiagnosed high conflict type person?

Someone who likes to shift blame on to you all the time if they disagree with you, twists things etc.

What kind of alternative therapies are there that we could do together that focuses on these things and good communication?

I'm not sure if she can do some work on herself individually at this stage. I haven't asked that.

I'm afraid she's only agreeing to join me because I told her I was worried that the damage that was caused before our last break up is making me feel too sad. I told her that there are days I don't feel like spending time with her because I don't want her to see me sad. She sort of understands that the break up was sudden, we got back together and that I need to process everything. I'm guessing her mindset is like she's doing mostly for supporting me and not much to do with her as she said she hoped that I feel better soon or that I at least grieve what happened to us properly... so we can move forward and be happy again. I won't think the worst of her though. I told her that I hope we might gain something positive if we give therapy a try together and she told me she agrees with what I am saying and told me to go pick a therapist for us and she will come along to it.

My wife and I have had several therapists over the years.  Fortunately, the most recent one convinced her to see a psychiatrist and go into individual therapy.  He never mentioned BPD, but referred to "Bipolar II."  Admittedly, factors such as her increasing rage toward our kids also motivated her to accept his advice.  He also called her out on that and used it to support his advice.

I have discovered that the therapist she chose is on a list of counselors who specialize in BPD.  (I do not think she was/is aware of this.)

At first when we were noticing more issues between us we discussed couples therapy and agreed to it. Then before starting it she realized she wanted to work on herself and that a lot of our problems were stemming from issues she was having so she found a therapist and we agreed she would work on her own issues, and at times I would attend some sessions so we could work on communication or discuss some of our dynamics etc. It has worked best this way for us, she has other issues besides the BPD and working on that first is important as the PTSD issues were too emotionally triggering for her until she has started learning some emotional regulation techniques with DBT. We are still working at it. In the beginning it started seeming that conflict increased, it has since decreased, but not without issues. This is going to be a process that I am learning how to accept and work on how I respond.

I can only speak for my situation of course but it was a complete waste of time. Spouse turned everything around on me and skillfully won the therapist over, at least at first. But then the therapist began to get more probing and that is when my spouse said that therapy just makes things worse.
And it took like 4 therapists before we found one that my spouse was willing to go to more than one session to.
They don't like accountability and see themselves as a victim so where do you really go from there?

My x and I tried couples counseling. It can either be considered successful or not depending on POV.

While we were attending, it was a disaster. But, after we split, my x continued to see the counselor; for a while at least. I have no idea if she's still going or not.

My x changed though. When we talk, she treats me totally differently. Even our arguments follow a different path.

Let me preface here, I am not a good example for experience with couples counseling, actually I feel pathetic and beat up. Being hopeful went away 10 years ago. We are on our 7th marriage counselor spanning over the last the last 20 years. I calculated that we are well into 6 figures on how much this “hobby” has cost our family with absolutely nothing to show for it.
During the early years I had false expectations that she would respect the therapist enough to take in what they had to offer when they got close to her BPD behaviors (she is diagnosed by only me and that acronym never comes up).
Usual procedure for the first 6 months I am the identified patient with the already indoctrinated therapist*. (background here – Wife has been going to personal therapy starting in 1993, couples, at her insistence, in 1995. I was to go or else…) Early on I used to get defensive during these sessions which slowed down progression of the therapy. I got much better addressing this deficiency, just let the therapist figure it out without any JADE-ing from me. While it is hard not-to-JADE during session I prospered with my restraint, specifics eventually pile up through the weeks, months, years clearly showed the platform that my wife presented had a very shaky foundation. Over time after being called on to own her behaviors (lots of crying and a lot of ‘I Dunnos’) she would “divorce” the therapist for “not being good for us” and would summon the  new “good” therapist* that she had been consulting with months before the end. I have/had NO input.
From where I sit now, couples therapy may be great advice when both partners are sane. It’s TERRIBLE advice when one partner has a personality disorder! I compromised and gave up my half (the 50/50 responsibility thing) in exchange for the chance to have peace and cooperation but nothing has made our marriage better.