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Title: Knocked off the pedestal and bitten hard Post by: izzitme on June 14, 2016, 06:38:41 AM I am really hurting right now, along with being so frustrated I can scrape paint off the wall with my fingernails! In my last post I was dealing with his new found porn addiction, and since I have been doing EMDR to heal my own attachment injuries that cause this addiction to hurt me more than it should. I have been very focused on myself and addressing my own codependency issues. He has been feeling that I am pulling away and thinking about leaving him. I reassure him every week that I am dealing with weighty issues and if I seem shut down it isn't him and to please bring it to my attention. His fear built and exploded on me this weekend and I'm shell shocked. He said things that rocked me to my core. He used against me something very painful that a family member said to me and agreed with them after weeks of reassuring me that their perception of me was wrong. I couldn't believe that came out of his mouth. I was a zombie yesterday, I could hardly concentrate at work. He got me believing that I am failing him and everybody and I ended up apologizing and doing everything he asked me to do. This is an endless cycle of him being supportive and loving, satisfying my deepest emotional needs and then the list of all the ways that I am a weak, inadequate failure in the relationship. I always do exactly what he wants and believe his estimate of me because of the periods of how wonderful he is. How can I recover from this latest bout? I have been doing what he says to get back to wonderful. Is this a typical response/cycle? My therapist said it is and she can write the script.
Title: Re: Knocked off the pedestal and bitten hard Post by: Cat Familiar on June 14, 2016, 09:17:07 AM Your post reminds me of my first marriage. Instead of porn, it was affairs.
Very similar dynamics: he used things I had disclosed to him in confidence to hurt me, as well as negative things other people, including family members, said about me. I would constantly apologize and feel shamed. He, on the other hand, was not accountable for his behavior. He would return to the honeymoon phase and be wonderful and then I would think all the problems in our relationship were my fault. Then, he'd do something that would devastate me. It seemed like he was always knocking me off balance, trying to keep control in the relationship. I was always in the weak position, reacting to what he was doing. It served him well to undermine my self confidence. Title: Re: Knocked off the pedestal and bitten hard Post by: Siamese Rescue on June 21, 2016, 05:55:02 AM I can relate. He would make me feel loved and safe and warm to the point where I would share my deepest personal weaknesses with him and mistakes I've made. Within the flip of a switch, he would turn against me and use it against me and side with a woman he claimed he hated. It was always a state of shock. It was always so painful and slicing. I'm dealing with it right now.
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