BPDFamily.com

I've been having a really hard couple of weeks, my boyfriend had an episode, painted me black for awhile, then came back. He's still not 100% but hopefully soon, I dunno. We've talked about BPD and he doesn't think he has it (shocker) but he was open to go and get a diagnosis.

So he already goes to therapy and group therapy, the problem is his therapist "doesnt like to use labels" whatever that means and is not a fan of saying people have bps, bi polar whatever. (Side not, my boyfriends family dr said he was bi polar years again, BPD seems like a better fit though).  Anyway 3 things have happened that really set me off.

1 was him sharing with his group therapy people that I thought he had BPD, they all laughed... .

2 is he talked about it in individual therapy and his therapist said he absolutely does not have it. They went through this check list of things and my boyfriend said to him I have 5 or 6 of these traits and the therapist actually said well yeah you can put these traits into things you fo, but you don't have BPD... .mind blown (when I looked at the list he had every one of them except suicide/self harm)

Last but not least his therapist then said that I wanted him to be "ill" so he can get on meds and try different therapy so he could be "fixed" and I wouldn't have to worry about if I were the problem in the relationship, if I'm not fulfilling him, stuff like that.

I feel like I'm crazy,  I feel like the bad guy. It's like all I have been doing is researching, trying to use information I have, joining this board for support, trying to do little things to help him (not wanting to totally push) and this is what I get. Now he's telling me he will get a diagnosis but he's sure he doesn't have it. I feel lost and so alone

It is likely that what he tells the therapist and group is distorted, so their assumptions are not based on reality. Add to this what he tells you their response is, most likely is distorted too.

It takes a while for BPD to often be 'exposed" to anyone outside immediate acquaintances.

This is not unusual,. It is important that you dont get dragged into what third parties may, or may not, think and say. You can easily get caught up in toxic triangulation based on nothing more than layers of misinformation.

BPD is rapid swings in response to situational circumstances (a personality disorder), bi polar is a mood swing, usually slower and more sustained often with no circumstantial trigger(A mood disorder). Bi polar is more of a chemical imbalance and so is more receptive to medications. BPD cant be directly treated with meds, only some of the side issues (anxiety, depression, mood instability) can have the edge taken off. But meds cant change a personality, only dull or agitate it.

How does someone ever get diagnosed if they distort the truth?

With difficulty, this is why psychiatrists who are more acutely attuned to the subtle differences rather than general counselors need to be the ones. Even then it is not always obvious straight away.

For partners it is better to just use the techniques incorporated here to cope with the traits as they present themselves, rather than worrying about actual diagnosis, which is no magic pill anyway.,

It is hard from the outside. You know that your relationship is very different from the inside than from the outside. So it is hard initially and that is the reason a T will first build a relationship. Lot's of validation and less focus on pushing for change. Once a relationship is there even a T not focusing on BPD will see odd behavior and at least developing a suspicion of BPD should be possible. In general don't extrapolate from the first sessions. But then T's are also human and can be blind-sighted.

It is a really really bad idea to get involved too deeply with what he is doing there. He will need to share some bits, particularly at the beginning and they will not make sense at all to a neutral, reasonable person. Just avoid invalidating, validate a little that he goes, is engaged and aim at the earliest (but not immediately) for distraction, leaving etc... Validate it is HIM doing the work there and you apprechiate it, you are curious of course but then you totally understand the need for respect and boundaries  .