BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

My friend who is divorcing her BPDh, now is dealing with visitation. Here is what happens: She takes the kids to a park, he meets her there. Sometimes other locations. She gets the kids out of the car, he lets them stand around while he attempts to engage her in conversation. She is weak so she lets him talk. She doesn't say much herself, but she listens to him play all his weepy games to get her back. She finally leaves. Comes back to pick up kids and he has them playing on the park so they will not leave right away, or even if that doesn't happen, she gets them in the car and he starts talking again. He is playing on her fears and desires. She comes back and tells me she thinks she is wrong to divorce him, he's really different now, etc.   She seriously needs to go NC, but has to deal with this visitation stuff, and is too weak to resist him. What can I tell her to do differently to spare her this?

Thanks!

Hi 3free  :)

Is there someone else who can do the exchanges for your friend? Like a common friend or a family member who both your friend and ex BPDh trust/gets along with?

I agree.  It will make it easier to distance herself, but be ready for some backlash.  He will probably use the weepy "I don't understand why you can't be reasonable and have to be so hateful to the father of your children blah blah blah" stuff to make her feel like the bad guy. 

I would go with Walking's suggestion first, but if she isn't ready to have someone else do the exchanges for her yet, she could have a close friend accompany her to the exchange instead.  This third party can get the kids out and walk them over.

My can't imagine how my life would have turned out if I didn't have my friend to listen and support me.  Thank you for looking out for her.

Unfortunately she doesn't have anyone to either do the exchange or go with her. I would love to help but I am in a different state.   :'(

Does anyone have any other ideas?

Send him a clear message in email or text (so she can take her time and you can help her use SET, be brief, and make her needs clear).  She should tell him she is uncomfortable with these exchanges and any dialog must focus on the children or visitation (or everything must be through email).

Then, have her call you when she arrives at the park and is getting out of her car.  Being on the phone sends a clear message that she is not there to chat with him.  If he tries to get her attention away from the phone, you are on the other line to support her and remind her that the exchange is about kids only.  Whatever he has to say is not urgent and he can send an email.

I used to do exchanges at McDonald's (because ours are loitering friendly).  We would wait in the car, her dad would pull up, and she would get out and go to his car.  Then I get myself a frappe as a reward for being awesome.  Never really ate there.  How old are the kids?  Can they sing songs or play with something in the car while they wait?


If this does not work, if he does not listen to her needs, tries to make waves, or just continues to make her uncomfortable, she could do the exchange at the local police station.  A lot of people exchange there when they don't want to worry about drama.  She can call them just to give them an idea of her situation and see what they can suggest.  Maybe just talking to them would make her feel better about it.

She should review some of the lessons here on Boundaries.  He won't change so she has to.  Not that she should be a meanie, but she needs firm boundaries that she arrives and leaves promptly.  She arrives, drops off or picks up the kids, then leaves.  If he tries talking then she says she has to get to her next destination, meeting a friend, get shopping done for supper, food is baking in the oven, etc.  She CAN do it.  It will be hard for her at first but over time it will get easier.  He will of course try to sabotage her newfound boundaries but if she holds to them then over time he may come to accept them and not push so hard.

My Ex was high conflict, for the first few years the only ways we could exchange was at the sheriff's office.  Officers nearby, a neutral location, little reason to hang around for long.

Finally, I'd like to make a crucial observation.  She gets those moments of weakening, thinking (1) maybe he's changed or (2) maybe it wasn't all that bad before.  She needs the resolve to (1) firmly and confidently stick to her prior informed decision and (2) not to let him undermine her decision to exit the relationship.  If she can't do that then she will be having to revisit her decision endlessly in the months and years to come.  It would be a kindness to herself if she learned how not to let him make her doubt herself.  Has she watched the movie Gaslight from 1944?  An innocent young woman gets married but her husband starts making her doubt her own sanity.  Of course, he has a nefarious purpose but you don't discover what it is until the end of the movie.