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I've noticed that if I get into what I assume is an argument with my boyfriend, and later I ask him how he's feeling after the fight/argument he says hes fine and makes it out like nothing happened and he was never angry (upset/annoyed/whatever). Now during these arguments he'll raise his voice, curse, the normal stuff people do, I do it too, sometimes I'll get upset and cry. Anyway these are clearly fights and he's clearly upset in some way, but after he says nothing is or was wrong. But he's not being short or rude, he's acting sweet and normal. Its confusing.

Yes it is common. I mean Im not an expert. My girlfriend and I have been in such huge fights the cops have been called and within a few hours she is completely normal like nothing happened. In fact she thinks I am weird or "messed up" when I am still shocked by what happened. If I am still upset after she gets over it then there is something wrong with me and I cant let things go. No matter what she has done or said she thinks its ok. She once said she was going to go out and have sex with my best friends and actually tried calling him several times and the next day thought i was being a drama queen becuase I was still mad about it.

I think that about my BPD wife - that her emotions are extremely intense, but short lived. Whereas mine are are lot slower to build and slower to go away.

So the next day after an arguement, I will still feel sad/rejected/annoyed. I think that she wakes up feeling nothing - she's over it. But she can be triggered easily and suddenly she'll feel those things again.

Jrharvey that sounds so familiar. We are having issues because we have an "open relationship" ( that I only offered to get him to not leave me for months at a time, I read it helps and I had just discovered he had BPD at that time too) anyway he's talking to this woman and I'm just sick to my stomach thinking about him doing anything else. Anyway when I try to talk about stuff he says things like I feel fine, we have no issues between us, you are creating this drama in your head... .I recently told him that I thought we were eventually going to break up if things stayed the same, and i meant it,so we'll see.

Williamskevin I agree, his emotions do seem intense and short a lot of the time. Sometimes he completely turns off after an argument though. I never know whats going to happen

Many pwBPDs dont work through their emotions and so dont slowly get over them similar to the healing or greiving process most go through. They seem to "switch them off", but they are not gone, its more like they have been quarantined into the memory banks someone.

This is why down the track when something else happens they can pull back this memory with the associated emotion still at full strength to back up and validate what is causing the current drama.

The result is after a drama you are often the one who is accused of holding a grudge because you are not suddenly "over it'. They do not understand your healing phase.

Switching it off also avoids having to analyse what happened and taking responsibility, which in turn handicaps learning from the experience and increasing the chance of a repeat.

The lesson in this is that arguing is futile if you want to get a message across. It needs to be done out of the crisis, when it is less likely associated with the emotion and to be quarantined away.

I think all of them react differently.  I know my wife gives me silent treatment and nasty texts for a day or two after a fight, especially one where I try and point out how crazy she is.  Not the smartest use of my time to say the least.  For just a disagreement I find that she isn't remotely bothered by it, that is just "how she rolls."  People with BPD are very strong in a way if you really think about.  They had to develop these defense mechanisms as a child in very invalidating environments so they have no problem pushing back and then some.  Sometimes arguing or fights is like water off a ducks back.

Hi Hopeful07,

I think this is as aspect of the disorder which is described as: "severe dissociative symptoms" (from the DSM IV) and "dissociative states under stress" (as an example of "significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by: 1. Impairments in self functioning. a. Identity... .in the DSM V).  The key word being "dissociative" which describes the behavior of *disconnecting.*

In your example, your boyfriend *disconnects* from the stressful feelings of being angry or upset.

Sometimes people with BPD (pwBPD) will disconnect by projecting their feelings; so instead of accepting that they were upset, they will re-imagine the situation as though it was you who were upset.  Sometimes they will disconnect in a way that they don't even recall the event.  In any case, this is a kind of distorted thinking.  It is a defense mechanism helping them cope with something that is difficult for them to deal with.

I think this behavior is very common for people with BPD.  And often we usually prefer to let sleep dogs lie and so we often try not to dig too deeply into these observations.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Yes, this is something I've noticed in my SO for a long time, which has always seemed 'off', although it's never in the context of her getting angry or in an argument since she's the quiet/acting-in type.  Usually, it will be in the context of her lying or harming herself or being so out of touch with reality that I need to discuss things with her to let her know that while I'm trying very hard to cope and make changes, she's going to have to at least put in a little effort to get treatment, etc.  I can say things in a very calm manner, but if she perceives for one second that I might leave or am unhappy with her, she'll go from 0 to hysterical in 2 seconds and will go into how she's terrible for doing all this stuff and will cry uncontrollably to the point where she can barely breathe.  She'll eventually calm down and we might talk for an hour or two about the almost unbearable situation we're currently in, which can be very upsetting and depressing for me, so my feelings or thoughts tend to linger for hours/days, but within a few minutes of ending the conversation, she can often act like nothing is wrong and go about her day normally. 

It's always bothered me that it seems like she's not really retaining anything that we discuss or talk about, so I am never really surprised when things inevitably repeat themselves again and again.  I've tried a million different approaches, but nothing really seems to work all that well.

It's upsetting because that mutual understanding of things or being on the same page is never really there, so I'm left with a constant feeling of 'disconnect' on a lot of important issues.

Like Schwing said, I believe it is a dissociative state due to extreme emotions that causes them to seem totally fine within a short period of time after having an argument, etc.  Unfortunately, I have no idea how to best handle these situations or if things will ever get better, but I can certainly sympathize with your situation. 

I find that once a fight is over my husband tends to go back to normal quickly. I think it's the black and white thinking, they are either bad or good, no in between. However after a fight I am usually emotional and still upset because I can't just shut off what he said to me. He will even get upset with me if I don't shake it off, because he did so I should too... .however I didn't say awful things about him so it's not so easy for me.

I have found that when a BPD loved one "projects" anger or whatever it is they are feeling onto us, they actually get some kind of pay-off.  

It's like "I'm upset but I don't accept myself as the kind of person who gets angry, so maybe it's Schwing who is the angry person. [BPD loved one then provokes me to act out in anger... .sometimes specifically picking topics/subjects/distortions that will upset me].  Ahh... I can see now Schwing is angry.  If he's angry, then I'm not the angry one... .Schwing... .why are you such an angry person?"

This is a pay-off in the same way delusional thinking is a pay-off.   

It's like psychological hot potato.  Or "I am rubber, you are glue.  What bounces off me, sticks to you."

Once you are dragged into the dysfunction it normalizes dyfunctional behavior. Eventually it even becomes your normal too.