BPDFamily.com

I've only recently (a few months) found out what BP is, yet I've known about it for the 20 years of our marriage and a few before that.  We have two teens and overall our family functions, but every day is the potential of some issue over anything.  Now that I know a bit about BP, I can understand more of this.  I understand the triggers, the escalation and the difficulty for her and for the rest of us. 

I'm reading info on the internet and Randi's book on How to Stop Walking on Eggshell's.  I'm thinking of taking a class on conflict resolution.  I also think that mindfulness, walks, yoga and other types of skills are useful for my spouse.  She once attended a yoga institute for over a month and was quite changed by this for many months afterwards.  But this practice hasn't continued and so conflict has increased. 

We both enjoy nature and I notice that she is quite happy when outside for several hours.  It boosts her general moods.  I wonder if BP was much of an issue when people were doing more outside?

I know that many say I shouldn't tell the BP that they have this, but I think in the long term that knowing, even if you reject it at first, is a way to learn how to grow and help yourself.  I've almost done this, but think I should learn more for myself first.  I've told our daughter.  She wants me to tell her mother, but I'm afraid that this will not resolve much, especially at first.  But I still think I should tell her at some point in the next few months. 

I wish I'd known about BPD years ago.  I would've worked on doing more then.

My mother in law also has this and the entire family walks on eggshells about her.  She won't speak to my wife for the past 11 months when she felt that my wife did something to her.  After reading more on this, I think it was that my wife was invalidating to her mother when they had a few discussions on a visit last summer.  Her mother became very defensive and angry, but then didn't discuss or resolve the issue.  Later sent a letter that she will not speak to her daughter again till she apologizes.  I guess that's separate from my immediate issue (my spouse and children, but I think that discussing what her mother has will help her realize she has it too).

Any suggestions?  Especially on how to tell your BP spouse she has this and what I should do before?

Thanks,

N

Hi Infernoland,

I'm sorry for what brings you here, and glad you found the site.


It's good you discovered it now, too! It sounds like it's been a relief to learn there is a name that summarizes what are very confusing behaviors. So much is counter-intuitive in these relationships, and despite our best intentions, we can easily make things worse.


Could this be foreshadowing what might happen if you suggest to your wife she has BPD?

Hi Infernoland,

Don't get involved in the conflict between her and her mother. Consider seeing that as a boundary - a limit for what you do.

Telling her may be part of a long term solution but contrary to your instincts it will not make matters better in the short run. Spend your energy on getting better yourself and improving communication and conflict handling skills first. It takes a while to wrap your head around the problem. And usually part of the problem is with us - often also in how we changed but that still leaves the responsibility with us. Change is hard and before asking others it may be best to demonstrate that we can too.

I certainly wouldn't suggest telling a spouse that you suspect BPD. The reaction of the spouse can be a huge negative that won't bring you closer to your goal. Your spouse may take it as an insult.

You can read more about getting your spouse into therapy  HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy) and HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0).