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I am having some serious relationship concerns right now with my pregnant girlfriend. My girlfriend most likely has BPD. I have been working hard trying to make our relationship work and trying to create a healthy environment for our upcoming child. To give you an idea, here is an "open letter to my girlfriend." I will not show her this letter but this is what is on my mind.

Dear Girlfriend,

As of late, I have been a bit concerned about your increasing distance from me. As a boyfriend, I feel that it is my job to make you feel comfortable. I do not understand what it feels like to be pregnant. I know that your body is going through a lot of changes right now as it creates the miracle of life. This is not your fault and I have appreciated your desire to treat your body as healthy as possible. However, I am feeling really concerned with the impending distance. I would like you to be honest with me as this is a necessary condition to make this relationship work. Here are some of the behaviors that I have been concerned about.

DISTANCING FROM ME PHYSICALLY: It seems that you want a separate space from me. No longer do we have passionate love making. I remember a year ago, you used to love feeling me and I loved feeling you. I remember the warm nights that we snuggled together. One question that I have is why are you starting to sleep in a different bed? Now you are distanced and cold in your encounters. If it is the fact that you just need some personal space right now, I respect that. Just tell me what you need and I will be happy to respect the wish. However, if there is something that you do not like about me physically, please tell me so we can sort this out.

CORRECTING ME- In the past few months, you have been criticizing my grammar and pronunciation of words and have been correcting me even in public. While I come from a different region of the country and grew up with a speech impediment, I was taught to accept myself for who I am. I will continue to accept myself for who I am. I am not perfect and I know there are things to improve on. I do not let this get in the way of what I do. Additionally, I was fortunate to grow up with friends and many family members that accepted me for who I am. It has been my goal to accept you for who you are and not criticize you in a degrading way. If I am failing at this, let me know.

MELANCHALY? - I know you are excited about our trips coming up but recently you seem to be unhappy. No longer are you laughing like you used to. We used to do things together over the weekend and go on great adventures together. Now you want to go on separate cars when I go see you at orchestra gigs. Many weekends, you have been preferring to have your eyes glued on the TV screen. I come home at night and I hear lots of complaining. No longer do we go to coffee shops and have conversations. Why do you seem to be in pain always around me?  Yet, when your friends came over today you were upbeat at the flip of a switch? I fell in love with you because I enjoyed exploring towns with you. I enjoyed the conversations we had in art museums. I enjoyed our Thursday night meals together. While I know that we have hard days with our work (and I can do a better job being more compassionate), I yearn for times where we can just enjoy our companionship. Right now, there are times where I feel more single than when I was actually single. A relationship is not about being separate. Parenting is not about being separate.  Don't get me wrong, I still think that it is important that we are individuals that strive to be developing our individual identity. If my presence makes you unhappy, why don't you leave me?

Having a child and deciding to start a family is a huge financial and emotional commitment. One thing that I am still frustrated about is why you decided to stop taking birth control without telling me. Having a child is to be done out of love and is to be a mutual decision. This is how healthy families are started. One decision that I feel that I need to to be apart of is how to raise the child. I think we have had some really good discussions about this and have been open with each other about this.

Here are some action plans that I'd like to see in our relationship. These are things that I feel like can help us grow together.
(1) Communicating our needs to each other- I think it is important that we are honest and transparent with each other with how we are feeling.
(2) Renewing quality time together- I think our upcoming trips are going to be really good. I'd like you to help with the planning of our activities and give you the opportunity to do things that you enjoy.
(3) Getting COUNSELING TOGETHER- You have every right to experience any emotion and you need the space to express your emotions in a safe environment. Given that we both didn't come from the most desirable families, we need to learn how to do it right and work towards stronger emotional health. Regardless of whether you are going to get counseling, I will seek counseling for myself even if you don't want it.

It is important that we work on US and that we are healthy for the child. I want to provide and help out. However, I feel that under the current dynamic, I am greatly concerned about raising a child in the current relationship environment. I feel that with the right guidance and emotional commitment, we can make this work. If you do not feel like you can make this emotional commitment please be honest to me for the sake of our child. However, if you  are willing to work it out with me, I will support that 100 percent!
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As I think about getting help for myself:
(1) Is there anyone on this board that has "made it work," with a BPD partner even after "detachment"?
(2) I currently have a high deductible health plan and a mediocre salary. Where and how can I get affordable counseling for myself

Hi bern4606,

All valid particularly the way you see yourself. Against excessive criticism however self talk or talk to her won't change a bit. Only boundaries help e.g. timeouts.

Keep in mind that this is a stressful time and hormones can make big emotional events even more emotional. Take good care of yourself as things will take a while to stabilize. Self care is critical for your ability to care for her. And don't expect her to have any understanding for it.