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Title: Regulating emotions externally Post by: foggydew on July 09, 2016, 09:12:28 AM Just read somewhere on a board - think it was from Livedandlearned - that pwBpd regulate their emotions externally - and I wondered if what my pwBpd did last night falls into this category. It's something he has often done - or similar scenarios. I wanted to book a rail ticket online, but there was a difficulty with the internet connection. He pushed me out of the way, saying I was hopeless and incompetent. He managed to book the ticket, but when it came to paying, I had to tell him my password - for some reason, it didn't work. Shouting again about how useless and incompetent I was, he typed in several different passwords - without asking me if they were mine (!), and managed to get my account closed so I couldn't pay anyway. Then he managed (intentionally) to lose the booking, shouted again how incompetent I was, didn't know my own password, etc. Having been pretty calm up to this point, I lost it and shouted back. He carried on for a bit, then calmed down, and I told him everyone makes mistakes, and it is ok to make mistakes, but it's not ok to pretend that he's the only intelligent one and that everyone else is incompetent - that makes people angry. He waited a bit, then said, yes, it was his fault, and he's sorry.
I often find it really difficult to deal with these sessions, because if I let him do whatever it is he thinks I can't, he usually makes a mistake that costs me time, money or trouble. But then I wondered if it might be a method for him to cope with his real fears of being incompetent. And show his own criticism of himself. And then I wondered how to deal with it at all, how to defuse it before it gets so far ... .And I'm not a saint. Title: Re: Regulating emotions externally Post by: waverider on July 09, 2016, 08:25:43 PM Its like not having a regulation valve purely an open/shut limiting vent. Which simply blows everything to outside once frustration levels have been reached.
Allowing yourself to be exposed to it is the only control you have. walking away results in potential inconvenient consequences for you, staying causes you distress and potentially results in the same inconvenience. Staying has no effect on him apart from giving an avenue to vent his frustration. Leaving withdraws this avenue,. Only one option is likely to induce change. Neither is guaranteed, though your existing method is not working |