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I’ve been married to my wife for 3 years now, after dating for 6 months. We began to have sex after a few weeks into the relationship, but in the beginning she refused to do oral sex with me. She told me first we’d have to be tested before she did that, so we did. Than, we’d have to be deeper into the relationship, like living together, so we did, than get engaged, so we did, and so on. Than she finally told me her ex-fiancee wanted oral sex every week so she got traumatized, and was keeping it for someone special. So I had to become special to her. Recently she told me that she simply does’t like it, and this was a lie to stall it. I kept doing everything she asked for, to be “special”, and finally we got married. Besides that, she was never into sex with me, I always had to initiate it, ask for things, etc. Even kisses or hugs or touching had to be me.
Well, long story short, we had a son, and during our pregnancy she was crazier than ever, so I talked to someone and find out about BPD. 100% of what I read, including two books and hundreds of articles totally fit the profile. But nobody believed me, our couple therapist, her therapist, her mother, nobody.
An year ago we filed for divorce and were separated for 1 month. Then we got back together, but living apart, spending the whole weekends together. The first two months I was in heaven. She was calm, friendly, talking about things instead of fighting, even apologizing! And sex was incredible. We went to motels a few times and they were great. A motel here in my country is a hotel you pay a room by the hour to have sex.
Well, after two months, she got angry because a little thing and blew it out of proportions. She punished me for months, avoiding and complaining about sex, and denying oral all the time. She once invited me to a motel, we stayed there for 8 hours and didn’t had sex! She only wanted to listen to music, play in the tub, but not be with me. I was devastated, feeling the least attractive and desirable man on earth. After fighting about it, telling me I was wrong, insensitive, she agreed to go again with me. But this never happened. She kept stalling, postponing it, or scheduled and forgot to make arrangements.
Recently I found out she has cheated on me with a client. He called her to the motel and she chose one, set a date, arranged a babysitter and went with him, twice. After I found out almost everything, she confessed, with a few details, but kept blaming me, never apologized and never showed any kind of remorse or regret. She told me she made oral for him.
Today, I’m trying to cope with the affair, with images in my head constantly, and trying to get her to the motel, but she keeps denying it. She complains about sex, telling I only want this, and I have to deserve it, being a nice husband.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t wanna loose her or our son, but I need to feel attractive, desired and loved. I feel like she felt all this for her lover, but not for me. She accepted an invitation from this guy two days after refusing one from me, and made efforts to make it happen. With me, she simply doesn’t matter.
I feel what she want from me is just a home and children, not a man or a husband. I feel that she will never want and desire sex with me like she did with this other guy. With me it’s just duty sex, and she says no to everything I ask, or do after several denials only by obligation.

Would you feel comfortable describing the little thing and what happened after? We might be able to help you look at what happened, and why it was connected in her mind to withholding sex (control).


Ooof, ouch. I am so sorry to hear she cheated on you.


It sounds like she might be struggling with intimacy and sex. He may represent a no-strings way for her to feel needed (for her, loved). Whereas, you represent someone who emotionally arouses her (intimacy), and to regulate those emotions, she feels the need to regulate you (control).

Does she know that you know about the affair? How do things stand at the moment between you too?