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A little background... .uBPDbm moved out of SD11's school district and we moved into it. SD11 just graduated elementary school and is going to middle school in the fall. uBPDbm kept insisting on SD11 going to school in her district, of course we wanted to keep her with all her classmates in the same district she's currently in. We tried to discuss it with uBPDbm but every time we pointed out cons to that plan, she would flip out and then shut down. So we went to court to get it decided. uBPDbm said that we should visit both schools and let SD11 decide. The judge wasn't having that. We now have residential address and SD11 will be going to her same middle school. Of course, uBPDbm isn't happy.

Part of our motion was to alter our summer visitation so that SD11 would be at our house the Friday before school. There is a preview day where the kids ride the bus, go to the school for a half day, get their schedules, and then find where all their classes are. Since this will be a new school and the first time switching classes, it would really help if SD11 was able to attend the preview day to ease her nervousness. Well the L and DH dropped the ball and didn't address that part of the motion in court so it never got ruled on. blah. So now we have to try to figure out a way to cooperate with uBPDbm so SD11 can attend the preview day.

We already wrote one message to uBPDbm, pointing out the benefits of SD11 attending the preview day and asking her thoughts. Her response "I'm not sure why you're messaging me. So you can take me to court again? So you can have control over everything? Clearly, you don't care about SD11's BEST INTEREST or she would be doing a preview at BOTH schools, not just the trashy, ghetto school you demanded she be at because it's next to your house.

From here on out, communication will be VERY LIMITED.

Also, I am asking you again per [the statute in our state for stalking and harassment] that you leave me alone. Stop checking up on me. Stop cyberstalking me. Stop sending people to message me on my profiles. Stop having people check my Facebook. Stop all of it. If it continues, I will take legal action."

Le sigh... .

Any thoughts on how we should try to have uBPDbm "cooperate" on the preview day?

Do you have any co parent counselor or coordinator that can enlisted to help talk to BPDm
She is going to be more of a pain as SD gets older and her events and plans become more complex. You are going to need a system in place for things just like this.

You can point out that as the primary parent for school purposes, it is a school event for DH to take her to. If you frame it in such a way as to say that DH would prefer to take her himself, but he can't stop BPDm from taking her then maybe getting to take her herself would feel like enough of a win for BPDm? At least that way SD would get to go.

Unfortunately, kids with a BPD parent won't always get their needs met of have an easier time of it. There will always be situations with BPDm that you can't help SD with. And that is a good thing. The sooner she realizes that she can't rely on her mom the better off she'll be in the long run.

No we don't. :/ We are pursuing full decision making (pending the outcome of the CE), but if the CE recommends shared decision making then I think either DH as tiebreaker or a PC will be necessary.



That's a good idea. Appeal to her entitlement/need for control. Of course if uBPDbm took SD11 then she wouldn't get to ride the bus which is a partial loss, but getting the classes figured out would be a win.

If BPDm refuses to cooperate you can go back to court to iron out this detail. This would be my least favorite.
 
Another alternative is to appeal to her entitlement. It may or may not work depending on how BPDm interprets things.

Talk to the school and see if they have an alternative day that works for DH and SD11. If you made an attempt to work with BPDm and she refuses then going to the school to explain the situation may help by planting "seeds" for the school so they figure out mom faster. It took our boys' elementary school about two years to figure their mom out. Once they did, things became much easier for the boys and me.

When our oldest started middle school my ex did the same things she did in elementary against me. I realized it within the first month. I went to the school and realized I was already an evil monster. I had them contact the elementary school principal and everything was straightened out in about 20 minutes. 

Might be better for SD11 not to go at all vs. mom taking her.  She might make SD11 feel bad about her "trashy, ghetto school" in retaliation for not getting residential.  

I agree with David's advice.  Maybe call the school to explain the situation and see if you can get information early (teachers/schedule/walk around) and review the school's website with SD11 after you find out who her teachers are.  It's going to be best to give the school/school counselors a heads up about your unique situation anyway, at least this would be proactive.

We can try to get the info early... .problem is we only have SD11 next week (from this Friday until next Friday). Her mom has her the week after (we alternate weeks in the summer) and then the preview day is that Friday. So, there's not a lot of time... .We'd have to go next week or we won't be able to at all.

Just FYI for others going through this school nightmare going forward.

Our BPDm tried to sabotage SD's school experience ( talking it down, trying to schedule her to out of town on the first day of kinder etc)
We put in the order that as residential parent we should have the child for the two weeks prior to school starting to get SD acclimated with bedtime, school shopping etc. as well as making the two weeks before school off limits for vacation requests. It pretty much made it impossible for BPDm to do any mental warfare or otherwise on SD before school starts.

I think as you are residential parent by default at this point maybe try to just send an email that SD has a school requirement to go through this process with all the other kids ( the bus, etc) and that you are making sure mom knows about it and is aware that SD will need to be available to attend. Make her put in writing, or otherwise that she isn't going to do it and use that to gain control over the rest of the school functions with court. Maybe she will cooperate (lol) and it won't be a problem. (Yes I know, there is no such thing as "no problem" with a BPD)

Here's hoping!

Bravhart makes a good point. Our stance on dealing with BPDm at this point has been to give her a chance and then when she proves she can't be trusted we take that one more bit of control away and we very clearly site what she did is our reason for doing so. In my case BPDm is getting the kids in her state for two weeks. She was given no summer parenting time in the order but it says that she can have more time if the parties agree. So DH is giving her these two weeks because it's important for the kids to see their mom. However, she just got a continuance on a court date for our state that is set for four days after we are supposed to get the kids back. There is about a fifty percent chance that she'll hold on to the kids and not give them back until she comes down for court. Will we see about filing for contempt? Yes. But the more important consequence will come next summer when DH simply states that he cannot trust her to abide by their agreements so she will no longer get time that is not specifically in the order.

Ok, we went a slightly different direction... .

The preview day is next Friday and then school starts Monday. We are supposed to have SD11 from 6pm Friday until school starts. We offered up the preview day in exchange for the weekend so uBPDbm has SD11 on the first day of school. For some reason that's always super important to her.

So far she's agreed, so... .fingers crossed!

Actually, switching the weekends works out better for us. We would have SD11 on our S's 1st birthday weekend and the weekend my sister is getting married (so SD11 could attend, yay!). Plus Labor Day and Thanksgiving weekend.

So you switched all weekends going forward? I would expect her to complain about that at some point. Really glad you got what SD needed. And good on BPDm for allowing it! My DH's ex would have (and has in the past) prioritized keeping DH from what be wants over getting what she wants.  But that could just depend on the level of triggered.

Yep! Our alternating weekend schedule is kind of arbitrary anyway and uBPDbm never checks a calendar so she'll agree to things that provide her a short term gain. Later on she might try to switch weekends claiming she has to "work" but we can usually work those out (like doing two weekends in a row then two weekends in a row if we don't want to completely flip flop).

uBPDbm sent a message at 9:30 this morning asking to change the exchange today from 6pm to noon. We already were out back-to-school shopping for SD11 and there was no way we would be back by noon. uBPDbm said if we didn't agree to noon then she wouldn't agree to the preview day. uBPDbm getting what she wants (at that particular moment in time) is always her #1 priority.

Luckily I turned it around with the first day of school offer.

SD11 went to the preview day this morning!  :)

We walked her to the bus stop, this was the first time EVER I have walked a child to the bus! I was like a parent of a kindergartner! lol. (this year we moved into her school district, up until now we had always driven her to school).

I am so happy and proud of SD11 entering middle school. She has three advanced classes on her schedule and will be taking band and spanish. She's typically afraid of new experiences and has emotional meltdowns when she's nervous, but she has been handling this absolutely perfectly! So grown up! :)