BPDFamily.com

I've posted elsewhere (mostly in Deciding) and you can see my intro there linked to my profile. I've been separated from my uBPDH for about 6 weeks now. I have a 16D and we are in crisis but attempting recovery. H is living with his dad about 45-60 minutes away. We are in limited, controlled contact: once a week by email he sends me logistics stuff and I voice call on Saturday with logistics and catch up on our lives. For now, we've agreed on mutually arranged visitations with 16D's consent. She is having a real rough time as the trust is broken. She is uncomfortable at this point being alone with him and he keeps pushing it.

He cancelled one visit and another she cancelled when they couldn't agree on her having someone with her and she just stopped it. This time, she said maybe and then said no the night before the maybe was going to occur. I know she is tired of the whole ordeal. She's told me it's just too much to handle.

I worry that I'm contributing to parental alienation but also wanting to protect her from abuse and being used by him. He's frustrated of course and asked me to punish her today if she wants to go out since she told him she was "tired" was why she didn't want to visit with him. I'm not doing that but I do plan to talk about being honest with him whether it hurts him or not. (Thoughts?)

Would it make any sense to set up a schedule for visits at this point? She has been to a movie with him once with ice cream after and that's all. They've texted but although he's asked (perhaps just to discuss logistics), she doesn't want to talk voice. I feel like she's old enough to try to help her set her own boundaries - what she wants from the relationship, what she can take, etc. She is seeing a therapist so maybe I just bring it up with the T?

Any advice/questions/commiseration most appreciated.

Oh yeah, we also have our first couples therapy appointment scheduled for Wednesday evening. I thought we could work on stuff like this with professional 3rd party. T said that's more mediator thing? I tried a partial separation agreement and he went rage.

Why is she uncomfortable being alone with him? 

Definitely she should discuss with T her concerns and sensitivities about him and their strained relationship.  If you attend her sessions let her describe her feeling and thoughts.

Sounds like she wants to give her input but not face the pressures of decisions?

In a year or two she'll be an adult and so it's good now for her to verbalise her feelings, observations, conclusions, etc.  She needs to be her own person whose perceptions and conclusions match reality even if they don't quite match yours or her father's.  Validate her every time she makes good observations and decisions.  Those with acting out PDs typically invalidate as a pattern.  While we may sometimes invalidate by accident, we want to be validators as much as possible.

She has expressed that she's uncomfortable being alone with him because he seems unstable and she feels used as a pawn as opposed to him actually wanting to visit with her.

Yes I think you are right she feels like she wants more control of her life but doesn't want to deal with his drama. It's an ordeal every time they schedule a visit.