BPDFamily.com

My partner has Borderline personality , we recently got a private diagnosis. We are waiting to hear back from a DBT therapist.

In the meantime she is very unwell, off work sick for 1 year, trying new meds not yet working.

Wondering what's the best thing to do right now? She's having lots of angry episodes and constant crying, some disassociation.

Last night she was angry and I lost patience for first time in 2 years I shouted back. Didn't help. I'm always patient and try to help, never makes any difference. She trashed the house, self harm and talking suicide.

I managed to get her to have a cold shower which helped finally calm her. This is a new thing I read and it seems only thing that helps.

In between this I had a stressy panic attack type thing.

An awful day.

I feel I am not helping and we need to set boundaries.

I'm confused as people say one boundary is to walk out if they shout abuse? But then not to leave if they are suicidal?

What boundaries should I set and what should I avoid enabling wise? (I'm co-dependant too)

I also feel at the end of my tether and feel like walking out, I'm struggling to go to work, getting depressed and sometimes feel I'm in hell and that my life is over. Starting to think I wish anything would end this as I feel so bad.

If I do leave no one else will help her and she may try suicide.

It does sound awful! I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all of that, but envy your strength and resolve. Not shouting for two years is far better than I could ever manage.

I believe that boundaries are good and necessary in even the healthiest of relationships. In answer to your questions, if the shouting gets to be too much, or you are in danger of it escalating into something physical, then taking a break is a good idea. Leaving a suicidal person alone is not the best plan though (unless your own personal safety is put at risk by staying.

There is an article about setting boundaries that can be found here:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

There are several more articles and workshops available on these boards. It may also help to read the stories of others that have been posted. It has an odd, calming effect to know that you're not the only person who experiences these sorts of things.

Is there any indication when she'll be able to start therapy?

Welcome!  Glad you're here, and glad your partner is engaged with therapy.  DBT can make a huge difference. 

There is a lot you can do, to keep yourself OK and to support your partner with appropriate boundaries.  The BPD/codependent partner pair is super common. A lot of what happens in that interaction (which my wife and I share, and I'm working on), is behavioral patterns that the person with BPD wants, and thinks will make things better-- but actually makes things worse.  Shouting back isn't helpful, but neither is passively accepting abuse (verbal or otherwise), caretaking the pwBPD, or protecting them from the consequences of their own choices.   

Read through the lessons, if you haven't already.  Keeping everybody safe is the first step.  If your partner is self-harming, or talking about suicide, hospitalization may be necessary.  Talk with her therapist about how to respond, and when you should think about bringing in emergency professional help.  You'd need your partner's permission to talk to her therapist about it in the hypothetical, but you can probably call her therapist on the phone in an emergency, especially if you put it on speaker so the therapist is talking to both of you.  If you don't have a therapist of your own, getting one would be a good idea-- both to understand your partner, and to work on some of your own stuff.

Official patient DBT materials, including the skills workbook (https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1469412132&sr=8-2&keywords=calming+the+emotional+storm), are available on amazon-- my wife got the skills workbook before she was takign the course, and found it very helpful (formal DBT was *much* better, though).  Emotion regulation and self-soothing skills, like the cold shower, are included in the skills workbook-- pages and pages of lists of suggestions.  DBT-based books for partners include  The High Conflict Couple (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/high-conflict-couple") and Loving someone with BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/loving-someone-borderline-personality-disorsom).  Calming the Emotional Storm (https://www.amazon.com/Calming-Emotional-Storm-Dialectical-Behavior/dp/1608820874/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1469412132&sr=8-1&keywords=calming+the+emotional+storm) is a whole book on DBT techniques for emotion regulation, which was helpful both for my wife, and for myself.  There are also many sites online (including this one and BPDCentral) that offer DBT-based self-help for people with BPD and their families. 

I also agree wholeheartedly with Meili about boundaries and limit setting.  That can result in a worsening of behavior at first, which is actually a normal response to someone *not* getting the response from others that they're used to (Think about trying to lift a box you could lift before-- if you can't, your first instinct is to try harder.  Same with behavior.)  But they're critically important in the long run, and not skills that many of us get from our families of origin.

I wish you and your partner the best of luck.  You're on the right track.