BPDFamily.com

My husband goes through stages with people where he will hang out with someone a whole bunch for a few months and then he gets to the point where he doesn't like them anymore and will basically cut them out of his life. He will just avoid the people or stop seeing them without any notice. He's been hanging out with a few of his cousins lately and my husband seems to think they are going to screw him over in some way. So far they have been nothing but great to him even going the extra mile on a few things for him. We had a get together at our house yesterday and before they showed up he kept acting like they weren't going to show up and was prepared to end it all if they didn't show up. He literally just talked to his cousin on the phone, hung up and then said, I don't think they are coming. I asked him why he thinks he's going to screw him over, he's not done anything to say otherwise.

I ask this because my husband has zero friends and I think if he had some he would benefit from it, honestly the only reason he doesn't have any friends is because when someone gets too close to him he cuts them out after a couple months. He's very charismatic and after he cuts these people out he's usually dodging calls from them. I've been with him for 11 years now and this has been the pattern the entire time and he will even recycle people, start hanging out with them again and then stop all of a sudden. Does this sound familiar to anyone. Just wondering if any of your spouses actually have long term friends.

Mine didn't have any close friends when we were together. She had totally devoted every moment about her existence to me (and then complained about it).

Now that the relationship is over, she's a social butterfly.

Exw had 1 best girlfriend whom she dumped when she was 18yr.
(that was at the same time when exw dumped her family in her first uncontrollable outburst)
That’s all.

The real friends I had before and ‘we’ during that r/s of 30+ yrs. are all still mine.

What are called ‘friends’ are acquaintances from a normal point of view.
Or are people known because of social activities, clubs, etc.

Same story over and over again with ‘friends’ and colleagues.
Idealisation and becoming closer, then it is called a ‘friend’
Devaluation when too close, then the negative aspects are highlighted, excuses made to avoid them.
When it is unavoidable to meet them, than contact will be ‘social correct’.

That is the same with her aunts/uncles/nieces/nephews.
In that 30+ yrs. we only visited during a short time 1 of her uncles.
Many times we were invited to visit them, we never went, there was ALWAYS an excuse.
Once a yr at her mothers birthday the family was seen. Contact remained superficial …
(after exw dumped her family no one wanted to help her as all thought exw was ‘overreacting’ and behaving very, very strange. Until today that is not forgotten, nor the pain exw caused!)

When exw moved out I asked how many of her friend she chartered to help…
The answer: ‘YOU KNOW I DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS! Only my brother will help me… ‘
   The last part of her saying was in a sad and childish tone.
 
Well maybe exw has 1 friend, her sister, an enabler 1st class.

My wife does have close friends, some of whom she's maintained for years, but they've always been long-distance.  A couple of long term friends have become estranged over the years.  She has a local group of friends which is fairly stable, and a more extended community of "friendly" acquaintances which is prone to sudden shifts with her interests and mood. 

She tends to act out mostly in close personal relationships-- romantic relationships and family relationships have been very stormy.  Friends are pretty much universally split "good".  "Everyone I know agrees with me, so you're the one who's wrong," is a common refrain.  And, for the most part, I'm sure it's true, because she's very good at maintaining a calm and pleasant face to the world.   

A lot of our time together, she's blocked me from having any real social contacts, while maintaining her own. She "thinks I should have friends," but when I want to spend time with them, something always comes up.  And if my friends are helpful as a source of support for me when she and I are in conflict, even if they also support her and our relationship, she gets threatened.  Serious trouble maintaining friendships is a common thing in BPD, but it's not (in my experience) universal.

True friends see you warts and all. Acquaintances see what you want them to see.

If you are not comfortable in your own skin, allowing someone to make that transition is threatening. Hence pretending aquaintances are friends, and treating potential friend as others would treat aquaintances, feels safer.

That makes sense that he keeps people at a distance so they can't truly see him. I just wish instead of hanging out with them a whole bunch a couple months in a row and then dumping them he would just hang out with them once a month. Seems like that would make him more comfortable. He's never really had friends that weren't related to him, but he has a ton of family he does this with, mostly cousins.

pwBPD want "besties" as it makes them feel valued, however, they can't handle the reality that "besties' get to know the real you behind your preferred presentation. This leads to the push pull.

It is also a dangerous place for these 'besties' to be, as they are likely to get bitten. The only new friend, as opposed to acquaintance, my wife has independently developed since I have known her subsequently had a rape charge filed, and dropped, against him. A charge I have genuine doubts about.

Not sure there is a way around this. The deeper a friendship goes the more dramatic the implosion

Yes, I agree with Waverider's observations.

My uBPDh has no close friends and does not allow relatives in his life. He just ousted me from his life, but I hope it's only temporary (I will post separately).

I would add the social media aspect. He considers his several hundred social media friends as friendships, but recently he posted that he was in the hospital. The only ones who visited him were my relatives and I.

Also, if he sees a friend socially once every two years, that is a friendship for him. He rambles incessantly about them as though they were actually part of his life, analyzing their upbringing, education, likes and dislikes, financial and relationship situation, etc. I have it all memorized, even though I will never meet most of them.

My BPD has loads of friends unfortunately they are ex cons low lifes and losers

Most likely they are more acquaintances than any real deep friendships

This is an issue with us. We don't really have any close friends. This was not the case when I met my H as we had many friends both separately and together. But we were in school which made friendships easier. Then we moved, and we had jobs and a family. I tried to cultivate friends but socializing didn't go well- my H would be tired, or get angry at me for imposing this on him. Then, I had most of the responsibility for the kids, and it seemed to take too much energy.


We have talked about this, and my discomfort with it, but it suits him just fine. If I were to make the effort I think he would go along with it. But the few times we do, it makes me very uncomfortable. My H's work and social persona is almost celebrity style. Everyone adores him, he is amazing to everyone. Although things are better between us, it was more like- wonderful to everyone on a superficial level, and not at home with me. So I have come to dislike this persona. It doesn't feel real to me.


My H does have some casual buddies- like golf buddies. I know he is closer to me than anyone else. I don't like that I also don't have close friends now, but it is hard to be a spare wheel among couples. We've had people attempt to be friends with us, but we drop the ball and move on. It's lonely.

We also don't have many shared interests between us. He likes to do some things with his buddies, I like to do things "with the girls". We do enjoy movies and TV shows together which is a good thing. But it is hard to find mutual things to do with other couples.

I think my place in this is part radical acceptance and part resignation that this is how it is. Not sure how much is the latter.

My mother is fully BPD, and my H only traits, but enough that we settle into similar patterns- BPD/Non. Some of this is habit from my FOO that I work on changing.

No it is her friends ss they validate her negative lifestyle