BPDFamily.com

Its a very strange question indeed.

I know that my wife had a difficult childhood, and she has told me she spendt multiple years in therapy after a serious episode when she was a teenager / young adult.
Our marriage has been difficult the last couple of years. In the early phases I expected there to be "normal" relationship problems (I didn't know what BPD was). However over time I experienced over and over again that I was seriously walking on eggshells in the house (her big rage for small things was terrifying), I got all the blame for everthing and she strongly oppose all suggestion of going to couples counseling and individual therapy. She also refuses to accept individual therapy after a very serious episode this summer.

The reason I ask the topic question is that she is very smart, and over and over again tells me to practice mindfulness /meditation.
After reading the book "stop walking on eggshells" I was surprised to read in the appendix that that was was was suggested to those close to a person with BP traits.

Myself I've never really been upset at her, I've "taken" a lot not to escalate a situation and I've suffered in silence for many years, most people on this forum know what I mean with this. As pr recommendation from literature and this forum I've also never brought up my consern of BPD to her. Generally I'm doing better as I accept help and support outside of the relationship.

I guess what I'm really asking is someone who previously has been diagnosed BPD, do they know/comprehend their effects on other?
Could it be that my wife (suspected BPD) know she got BPD? Knows that our dynamic is typical of those BPD relationships and that she is ashamed / fearful that I will find out?

Or am I just looking answers/hope in the emotional roller coaster I'm currently part of?

It's possible either way. She may or may not know. In my opinion, it doesn't matter either way though because it doesn't change your situation or what you have to deal with.

Looking for answers and hope is a good thing! You've said that you've already been reading, so that's a great start. Learning about BPD can make it easier. Even if she doesn't suffer from BPD, the life skills that can be learned to cope with the disorder are beneficial in all relationships anyway, so it's a no-lose!

It's also good to hear that you're utilizing outside support. Have you looked into any of the tools on this site?