BPDFamily.com

Hi.
I just found this board and need help with my romantic parter, whom I absolutely adore. He has come to mean the world to me and, unfortunately, we are fighting again. He knows he has an issue but it's never been formally diagnosed. He's full criteria. Please help. Thank you.

Hi Algarve1971,

So glad you found us. We're here 24/7 to help you work through difficult times and get more pleasure (less pain) from your relationship. You sound very much in love.

Can you tell us a bit more about the fight? What is going on?

Don't JADE. I think the members here can help you understand this and tell you why it doesn't work.

Skip

Hello and welcome  :)


When he expresses this, how does it come up? Does he seem to think there is something off about his reactions?

Hi Algarve1971,

*welcome*

I'd like to join Skip and livednlearned and welcome.\ you. Unfortunately my ex and I are not together anymore but we do have kids and co-parent after the split, just because the marriage is over, doesn't mean that the conflict is over.


We used to get into terrible fights and it was emotionally exhausted, frustrating and disappointing that our r/s was stuck in conflict mode. I wish that I had found these boards to pick the tools to help smooth out the r/s. Anyways, I do not JADE after marriage, JADE is Justify, Attack, Defend or Explain.

I would try to reason logic with my ex because some of the things didn't make sense and it would escalate into fights. We all interpret reality our own way, details may be different from one person to the next and feelings may be different too. My exe's reality or how she perceives it is very real to her just as my reality is real to me. From to time my ex gets details wrong or maybe she has bad feelings about changing something, I trust my intuition and I let it go, I don't sweat it and I don't JADE, we can get to the root of the issue, it's win-win, if I JADE then it becomes a back and forth and everyone loses. I hope that helps  *)

JADE - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=297165.msg12789195#msg12789195)

":)o not JADE" has been the single most useful advice I have gotten from this board.

It constantly runs through my head when my uBPDh is trying to provoke me or blame me for something. One's natural reaction is to justify what one has said or done, or to argue that the partner has the facts wrong, or to defend one's words or deeds, or to explain that one meant something with a different intention from what is being imputed, etc.

All wrong, because when my uBPDh is having an episode, this only serves to escalate the conflict. What you get is: "AHA! You are engaging in battle with me. Nobody defeats me. You are demonstrating that you are the enemy."

Refusing to engage by going to another room sometimes works.

Another handy slogan concerning BPD is "the three C's." I didn't cause it; I can't control it; I'm not going to cure it.

Hi Algarve1971,

avoiding JADE is very important. It is a handy way to commit to things you won't do and gets you into Boundaries (see the LESSONS for more). It also reduces the chance that you invalidate him making matters worse.

When thinking about what you can do - lot's of validation (again see LESSONS for more). It is often hard to see what can be validated when all is negative, confused and seems aggressive. Here writing down and sharing how a typical fight develops can help a lot. So how does is start?

*welcome*,
a0

I have run into a hellhole with not jade you never react to anything you are such a ... .Now what?

Some safe reactions are summed up in the initials STOP:

Sorry you feel that way.
That is your opinion.
Oh!
Perhaps you're right.

If you can validate the person's feelings by showing you understand why they would feel the way they do, that can help. It's tough, but there are ways that you can react with empathy and without either accepting or denying blame.

Hi adaw,


sounds like you are successful in taking up the gauntlet and stepping out of the circle of mutual invalidation  |iiii. But of course our partner with BPD does not seek conflict for nothing - getting into a fight provides desperately sought out validation helping them to regulate their upset emotions. It is just a very dysfunctional and for us painful and ultimately sick way to go about solving your personal balance problem. Not getting a fighting reaction from us is frustrating. Not getting any reaction can be infuriating.

The healthy way out of the emotional balance problem would be seeking some calm environment, going for a walk, workout or self validation. But it is so much easier to step on your partners toe and get a fight going.

Changing behavior can be very, very hard. It takes effort and practice. It is often easier to escalate and create a bigger drama than change your ways a.k.a. extinction burst. When working with boundaries it is not uncommon to encounter them. Sounds a bit like your wife switched to a different form of game playing - not getting a fight so start an aggressive meta discussion hoping for a fight there. Don't underestimate the inventiveness - there is a huge pressure driving the pwBPD.

There are two ways out of this:
 - Validation, considering the agitated state of the pwBPD it may be worth putting extra effort in somewhat raised voice, upset face muscles, posture etc... "You really are extremely upset about X". Not escalating but meeting them somewhere halfway.
 - Walking out for a limited (and best also announced) time - after all we also have a right to be upset -  and thereby removing excuses that it is us driving it. Eventually and then more frequently a healthier path (see above) - the only one left open - is taken to regain balance.

You are working on establishing different rules for fighting (after all there always will be conflicts so no point in avoiding all of them). You have achieved some change already by upsetting the old status quo. Now it is time to establish new patterns.