BPDFamily.com

I am in a romantic relationship with someone who exhibits all the signs of BPD. It has been a roller coaster, I feel like I am always walking on eggshells, I am either the greatest person who walked the earth or the lowest ever. There is verbal and physical abuse, they lock themselves in our bedroom, will not talk to me except through email which are accusatory and mean. There seems to be a pattern to this behavior, it gets really good and then really bad. I am trying to deal with this and have noticed that I am enabling and I am trying to set boundaries, keep things on a routine etc. Really at the point where I need support.

Hi ck1nix

*welcome*

I'm sorry to hear that you feel on a roller coaster in your relationship, that is so difficult. You are definitely not alone in your feelings; I felt that way, too. You have come to the right place for support, as the members here have been in similar situations and understand. We also have tons of tools to help things get better—and things really can get better, ck1nix, there is hope.  :)

First of all, I want to ask you about your safety, since you mentioned physical and verbal abuse. Do you have a plan, ck1nix? It is so important to have support lined up before things escalate, so that you will know exactly the steps you want to take and won't be scrambling in the heat of the moment, when you can't think straight.

Here is more info. about a safety plan: Safety First (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf)
It also helps to have local hotline numbers handy. Have you checked them out? It's a great place to call just to get information should you need it (and hopefully you won't).

We have excellent resources on boundaries, too, to help things improve in your relationship.

How long have you been with your partner, ck1nix?

Keep writing, it helps to get things down. We are here to support you.

heartandwhole


 

  ck1nix

I know that the roller coast ride that comes with idealization and devaluation is incredibly painful and confusing. Never knowing what will happen next or what will trigger the push/pull dynamic is maddening.

The good news is that you have recognized what is going on and that you've already started to make changes for yourself to mitigate intense emotions that come with all of this.

I echo H&W in wanting to make sure that you are physically safe. First and foremost, that must be the main concern.

Thank you so very much for your support and insight, I do have a safety plan in place where I text a word to friends, they know that it means I need help and will call 911. I did suffer from a black eye and broken nose about 4 months ago. I did not press charges, if if ever happens again I will leave and will press charges. I have also seen a therapist who told me to either leave or educate myself to learn how to live with it.

Hi ck1nix,

Maybe we can help think together about how to de-escalate situations. Do you feel comfortable sharing how conversations go? A scenario where things went from zero to 60 and seemed to come out of nowhere?

Sometimes the way we phrase things can help with emotional arousal.

LnL

After a lot of abuse she looked at me. Don't ever leave me, please.I know I won't then she got increased periods of paranoia and now a new pha
se hallucinations: she is unable to tell reality from her imagination. I know I  need to step in I just don't know how 

The physical abuse happened because I pulled the blankets over me and was accused of trying to uncover my partner, she totally flipped out on me, asked me to leave the bedroom, I started to leave and was actually down on my knees trying to protect myself, she pulled my hair out in clumps, blackened my eye, broke my nose and tried placing her thumb over my artery in my neck, I thought I was a goner. I let out this horrific scream and then she stopped, no remorse whatsoever, said it was entirely my fault, that I was the abuser and she needed to teach me a lesson.

I will also add that things have gotten better since she has started taking medication, no angry outburst but I still feel like I am always on guard and I really do love this person and I have been educating myself on how to deal with her.

I am well trained in hand to hand combat. I never fight back I just block punches and disarm her. My advice call in paramedics or police as needed

Thank you for the advice, I will also add that she is trained to injure, works in a correctional facility. I will leave if it ever happens again.

Hi ck1nix,

What tools been working for you so far? We have great resources here. Have you checked out the lessons to the right on the sidebar?------->

I'd especially recommend communication skills (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190), because they can de-escalate conflict and help pwBPD feel validated. Also, boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries) are very important for you, as you mentioned already.

Keep posting and let us know how we can best support you. That's why we're here.  :)

heartandwhole