BPDFamily.com

This is an acute situation. My uBPDh had major surgery last week. We have a commuter marriage. I have two teenage kids and live over six hours away by car. I tried to care for him after the operation. Picked him up from the hospital and stayed with him for three days. I wish I could have stayed longer, but I have obligations at my end. I made sure he had plenty of food and supplies before I left. In another week, he should be able to go out. He can't lift anything heavy (over 10 lbs.) for several weeks, which means he can't even open and shut his own windows.

I felt horrible leaving him there like a helpless baby. The worst part is that he virtually threw me out. In a full-blown BPD rage, instead of being abandoned by me, he wanted to feel that he was ousting me. He told me to take my kids' bedding with me (they leave sleeping bags at his apartment). I didn't feel that I could fit their air mattress too, which made him furious. He demanded my keys back, but I was already in the car. He said he was having the locks changed on his apartment that very afternoon.

I'm having a hard time feeling normal again after this crisis. Most of the time I was there he was berating me, claiming that I was interfering with his healing process and making him worse. It was constant loathing, punctuated with periods of shouting and slamming things. He looked different, definitely more deranged, than I had ever seen him. Finally, I feared for my safety when he blocked my retreat from the apartment. That is why I refused to go back to remove the air mattress or return his keys.

After calling me over 20 times to demand the keys and the removal of the air mattress, he fell silent. Now I don't know if his silence is the continued loathing, or if he has gotten worse. He could even be dead, and nobody would know. He is not in touch with any friends or family in his city; there is no one who checks on him. I feel haunted by the nightmare of trying to help him, only to receive blame in return. He is almost unrecognizable as the man I loved. His health will almost certainly get worse. If he is unable to work, he will have to move in with me. As an uprooted person far from the place he loves, he will be more miserable and blame me for it.

Thanks for listening to my personal hell. All suggestions welcome.

I am guessing he is panicking about not being in control of his life , and environment. This is massively invalidating for him. This becomes projection onto you as controlling.

There is not a lot you can do apart from being available when he chooses to accept your support. Offering to help just highlights his incapabilities. Sooner or later he will have needs that he wants fulfilling, then he may approach you, survival instinct eventually kicks in. Most importantly they need to be instigated by him and be his idea.

As hard as it may seem it is his path to choose, if you seriously do have fears of whether he still alive or not the authorities may do a call by check, though he may not appreciate it.

Yes, that's true, waverider. I have been texting him every couple hours asking how he is, as if nothing happened. I will stop doing that and just wait. If the wait gets too long, I can call authorities to check on him.

There is one way I can still tell that he is among the living. On Facebook, the side chat bar tells me how many minutes since he has been active. It just went from five hours ago to 10 minutes ago. So I know that he is still alive and kicking.