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I read a good piece about the uneasy relationship post divorce and the struggle to find way that work best for the children. I identify with the husband in the story, without the adultery though. It is good for me to also heard the feeling from the other side.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2016/08/03/daddys-home-a-different-take-on-co-parenting-really-different/ (https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2016/08/03/daddys-home-a-different-take-on-co-parenting-really-different/)

I identify with a lot of this,  though the kids were only just 4 and 1 when their mom moved out 3.5 years ago.  We share joint custody. Their mom is trying.  Me not exhibiting angry or vengeful behaviors has resulted in a better r/s. I still worry about the kids.  Tonight D4 prayed that they would be in time in the morning and bing to bed so mommy didn't get angry. Some things never change. 

If I invited her over for dinner,  she'd probably accept.  I'm not there. It gives the kids false hope too. We all go out to lunch maybe once every 6 weeks.  That's about all I can take.  Any more and I risk being sucked into her drama.  Balancing boundaries with what's best for the kids is tough. 

I like this story too.

But are these two 'reasonable' adults working out what is best for the kids?

Not sure we all are lucky enough to have the same starting point... .'reasonable'.

From reasonable to acrimonious to crazy, people's behavior falls in a spectrum. She was genuine in sharing her story. I find pieces I can really identify with, like this one below.

Thank you for sharing this story. I really needed it today. I may end having to divorce my husband and I've been trying to think of a way to keep our son in our current home in a way that he can feel safe and comfortable. One of the possible solutions I thought of is  letting my husband stay in our home with our son when he has visitation. Of course this would depend on his behavior, and I could see that it might be difficult to unring that bell once you establish a precedent. But I hate to think of our son going back and forth between two places.

I appreciate your feelings, quite understandable, but there are factors involved that could make that wish impractical or even unhealthy.

The primary issue is whether it would heighten conflict.  That article clearly was not describing a high conflict separation, divorce or post-divorce.  Yet persistent conflict is what many of us here experience to a greater or lesser extent.

What if you or your stbEx — or both of you — remarry, even have more children too?  Would it work for both families to spend time together?  Would Ex's new GF or spouse like your Ex to visit you alone?  Would your BF or spouse feel comfortable for you to spend time in Ex's home alone?  If there had been conflict and unreason previously, would it work to blur the boundaries of the now-separate family status?

Lastly, virtually all divorced couples have separate homes.  It's not unhealthy for the child to spend separate time in Dad's home and Mom's home, well, unless there are reasons for supervision of a parent.  For most children of divorce it does end up that the parents' homes are separate, more or less.

This is not to say some time together won't happen.  Sometimes the two families can share various events with the children... .some holidays, graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren, etc.  That cannot be avoided.  But "our son going back and forth between two places" is not necessarily a bad option.  It is a typical outcome that is virtually universal when a marriage ends.