BPDFamily.com

Is this familiar to anyone?

My guy is new to Facebook and growing obsessed with it. He spent almost all of yesterday (and all hours of the night) staring at his phone. Then at dinner. He got mad after the meal when I was ready to leave - he was in the middle of yet another post - after scrolling and typing the entire meal! I was raised where meals were sacred - and you talk to each other. After we left, I told him that and he apologized.

Then the facebook surfing continued all night... .so I slept in another room. He was mad at me for that, woke up grumpy, then checked his facebook again! I left in a huff. He acted like I was being dramatic. Maybe I was? He called a few hours later, apologized again, admitted he was inconsiderate.  But I still feel triggered.

How can I handle this better next time? He normally doesn't apologize so I can't rely on him to smooth things over every time. He's also been off facebook and twitter all day since I left. I'm irritated he chose our time together for that and a break from it when I'm not there. Hard not to take that personally. Any tips?

I'm on FB off and on all day but I don't use it the way BPDh does, even though he is on less than I am. It's a part of our culture and very addictive particularly to those who are looking for validation.

For a BPD, who has an unstable identity, it IS a great way to have an identity. Or so it seems to them at the time. On FB you are what you present yourself as no matter the disparity between that and who you are in real life  and what better way to get validation in the form of likes and comments. You can get the validation without the real life engaging with others that might lead to vulnerability and exposure. However, it is a poor substitute for real life relationships and no matter how many likes or comments you get, it will eventually feel empty. Because they are empty and lacking their own real identity.

I asked someone I know had been dx with BPD about how she's been as successful as she has when I realized my husband has BPD. She told me how she knew exactly how to post on FB to get the validation she craves and  :light: my husband's attempts at making his life meaningful via FB rather than nurturing real life friendships made perfect sense.

If he's taking a break, perhaps the novelty has passed. It's not personal. Some of my favorite people, when we hang out we often talk deeply but sometimes we just are together and doing things on our phones and that's okay too.

Thanks. Yes, I see a lot of potential for validation with it. I also see a lot of potential for dysregulations. Already I've seen him get into arguments, delete comments, unfriend and block people.

I know we live in a digital age... .but modern society has taken it to the extreme. When I go to a restaurant and see people at a table completely ignoring each other on their phones, it makes me cringe. What is the point of that? It's rude. I would never do that to anyone unless there was some kind of emergency. I'd rather eat alone than with a phone-holding zombie, BPD or not. Its called manners.

He's gone silent on me today. Fine by me. I don't want to hear about who's on vacation where, who they're voting for, who pissed him off, or how many likes he got.  

I see this every day and the constant flirting annoys me

Update (and progress)--- we made up the next day. I went to his place, he was kind of walking on eggshells asking for permission to check his email. Instead of giving him "permission" or explaining that's not what I meant, I just smiled at him, paused, then said "it's mostly a dinner thing"... .and it didn't come up again.

Last night, he suddenly catches himself picking up his phone while I was talking, then made this big dramatic 'oops' gesture. I asked him what's wrong? (because he looked almost terrified!) He said "you were talking, and I was about to be rude."  ---Me, stunned--- "What? (smiling) I'm trying to be a better listener. I can't pay attention if I'm not looking at you." Wow.   

I told him I didn't mean to make him feel he couldn't use his phone around me. So he played quietly on his phone for awhile... .oh well, I was watching tv anyway. At least if I did have something to say, he would set the phone down and look up at me. Baby steps! :)

Makes me snicker. For a while in my marriage, my wife was constantly texting. I didn't mind who she was texting, but that it happened all the time when we were doing something together or talking did start to annoy me. After a bit of griping, my wife would be texting somebody every time she went into the bathroom. I never tried to figure out if she was going into the bathroom with no biological needs just to text. lol

Occasionally it was me she texted! If we weren't together most of the time, it would have been more. She even started joking about it herself.

Sounds like he just got excited about something new, and is now figuring out how to regulate himself better. Hope it continues to improve.

Consistent clear boundaries without getting too dramatic about it is the way to go. If you make it so that you are constantly fighting over it, then sure they would rather be texting someone else than be talking to you... Give them a reason not to, rather than a reason to.

 lol He texts me from the bathroom too! Seriously... .I'll get "almost done"... .eww really?

I think he just loses track of time in there, responding to emails, replying to texts, etc.

But I don't think he realizes how long he can go sitting a few feet away from me without interacting at all... .why he even invite me over, to watch him stare at a phone? He's been that way for years but not this extreme. I'm fine with chilling on the couch reading or watching tv as he surfs the net. The mindless scrolling seems to help him relax. But it's not ok for 8 hours straight, and not at dinner!

Meals are social events, not for social media. It's how I was raised, and he knows how I feel. I'm not a beast about it or anything. It's a general rule with room for exceptions. Face-paced world where things have become "urgent". I understand we get hit with calls, texts, emails, notifications constantly. My phone lights up every few minutes. Sometimes I can't help but look. Maybe something requires a quick reply like "at dinner, I'll call you later". MOST of the time it can wait -- at least long enough to finish dinner. I try to keep my focus on the real life person sitting in front of me and expect the same in return. Simple manners. He has always been pretty respectful of this... .until FB.  Got out of hand over the weekend, but he seems to be more self-aware now. I give him credit. He does try.

You've gotten good advice and it seems like you handled/are handling it well, Jessica84.  I'm glad your well developed skills are working (and appreciate the object lessons!).  :)
lar, laris

What if you both agree to turn your phones off and put them away in a drawer for a certain amount of time?

It takes supportive direct intervention to break a habit. After you all dont cure alcoholism by sitting a glass of wine in front of someone and asking them no to drink it.

I think this would work better in a larger group of peers than for a couple, but there is a restaurant game called "phone stack".

Everybody piles their phones into a stack.

First person to pick theirs up gets the bill for the meal.

Good suggestions! Thank you!

He admitted it mostly helps him relax and it's nice to catch up with old friends. He also likes that he can have longer "rants" since it's not limited to 140 characters like Twitter.  lol lol oh lord... .He told me last night he got somewhat addicted to it, but now he's easing off. AND if I ever ask him to put it away, he would -- not that I believe him, but nice gesture. :)

He's surprised how open people are on FB. I agree, somewhat. I'm much more private. I don't reveal when I'm on vacation - like telling burglars Hey! My home is vacant! I don't report where I'm having dinner or when I'm at the gym - open invitation to stalkers. And I don't need hundreds of people to "like" me or see my new haircut or know how I feel at any given moment - I reserve that for REAL friends. I mainly use it to promote work events and keep up with out-of-town friends and relatives.

FB is too attention-seeking with half-truths. Narcissism on steroids. Photoshopped profile pictures, embellished stories, personas that are completely different from real life. Semi-artificial reality. Then there's the drama queens stirring up trouble or begging for attention. I guess I worry about how he will handle it -- he tends to get entangled in drama so easily. FB is a breeding ground for that. I need to stop fretting over it.