BPDFamily.com

Hello thank goodness I found this site I hope it helps me deal with my wife's disorder.  I gave been married for 6 years to a really wonderful woman and although we have had some really low and trying times she can be loving and caring. I'm not sure if she has BPD or another disorder. But little trivial things tend to set her off. The latest was cracker crumbs in the twins car seat . I was ordered to never feed them anything while in there seats and I broke the rules while I had them alone Saturday and it was a huge mistake.  We had a really heated argument because I went against her wishes. I feel it could have been delt with differently.  This is just a small piece of what has happened in the past 6 years. I'm not innocent I had no outlet or way of dealing with her so I became defensive and it turned always into high conflict.  I just want some support .

I'm confused and sad.

Hello I haven't had much of any responses to my newbie introduction
 Maybe I wasn't clear enough on the subject line? I'm really hurting just want some support and how people are dealing with there spouses who they love and don't want to give up on.

Can you tell us about what happened. What did she say? What did you say? How heated? How was it left?

Why did she establish this boundary about food? Did you agree with it?

It good to learn from situations like on how to handle future situations.

Also, you might want to check out this 3 minute video: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

With BPD people can feel emotions 10X stronger so this sounds normal. To you its just bread crumbs and such a minor thing. When they feel loved they show love 10 times more. When they feel annoyed they get angry 10 times harder.

Hi Legacyvet,

*welcome*

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time and you chose to come to the right place. Many of our members here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. I see that you have your way to the improving board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=297840.msg12794185#msg12794185

I understand how difficult it is when our partner suffers from BPD and we feel like we're on an emotional rollercoaster when something insignificant to us sets our partner off. It's confusing because we don't what we did and frustrating because we can't anticipate if we're going to set our partner off again. Skip gave you a good article on ending conflict. I'd like to recommend another tool for you that will help. A pwBPD have low self worth, low self esteem and are highly critical about themselves and feel more negative feelings than positive ones. A pwBPD need a lot of validation, it helps to validate a pwBPD's feelings.

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)

I'm glad that you decided to join us. Hang in there.

Hey Legacyvet:   
I'd like to join Mutt, Skip and JRHarvey in welcoming you.

I'm so sorry about the fight you had.  It can be very upsetting.  My situation is a bit different, but I've been very upset from my sister's rage events.  Growing up, my dad was extremely critical and he would get angry about how a kitchen counter top was cleaned (sponge marks), blame a family member for a nick or scratch on something.  You might find it interesting to read a post on this same board from a couple of days ago.  The title is "I cooked too much broccoli".  Many of us can relate to how minor issues can turn into a very unpleasant situation.

Has you wife ever been in therapy or treated for any mental illness before (any meds prescribed by a primary care doctor) ?

There are a lot of helpful people here and a lot of good lessons about techniques to use for interacting with disordered people.  It can seem overwhelming right now, but you might find that gaining certain  intercommunication skills can be helpful.  If you look to the right of the page, you will see some links to various lessions.

A Theory of the Pattern of Blame
You might find the article below of interest.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271911.0.

Hey,

Sorry you didn't get much response initially - it's hard to predict how many members are online at any one time. Even the senior members have jobs and lives... .

Whether or not your wife has BPD, the techniques on this board and in the books will be able to help. The other members have recommended Validation - it's a good technique to try to "listen" better to your wife and understand what she really feels. (Women often don't say what they really mean - validation helps. It wouldn't suprise me if the crumbs incident was because she felt disrespected - because she had asked you not to, and because there was a mess that perhaps she felt expected to clean up.).

If you can, also try to read these books:
    - Stop Walking on Eggshells. A really good "first book" for understanding BPD and techniques to use
    - The High Conflict Couple - is a couples book that doesn't mention "BPD" but is all about tehcniques to communicate and work better together

Keep posting and we can help make things better!

Thanks everyone for the support.  The ups and downs are so hard one minute she's so loving and joking around the next She is going crazy for small issues. She has never been to a doctor for this no meds at all. On a good note her sister has told her we need counseling I'm sure because I'm such a bad guy . One sided stories to siblings usually.  But I think it's a good start maybe then the counselor will see what's going on. Thanks again everyone.  Today is going well so far.