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Title: Hi my first time here. Post by: Sysyphus on August 15, 2016, 02:39:13 PM My husband of over 30 yrs has BPD. We have been working on how to deal with his BPD. last night was a real setback and I am so confused. I spent Saturday night with my sister who lives 6 hrs away we meet at families home half way. He was scared to be alone but told me he knew it was important for me to see her. We lost our parents earlier this year and it has been hard. He struggles so badly with abandonment . When I got home yesterday afternoon i thanked him again for his sacrifice and we sat together and watched TV. I asked about dinner he got up and went to lay down. I asked him what was wrong. He said i didnt validate him when I got home. He said I ignored him and he said give me some time to get over this. I said ok. Well he gets up and start screaming at me about how i hate him i care more about others. It got out of hand. I lost it,.I know bad move. He was trying to take my keys away and I wouldn't let go. He then pushed me against tje wall and put his forearm on my neck and slammed my head against the wall and chair. There were 2 more physical attacks. Today he says I pushed him to do it cause I couldn't control myself. I can't say anything right. I hurt from the physical pushing. He said i need to validate him before this can stop. Any help is appreciated.
Title: Re: Hi my first time here. Post by: Mutt on August 15, 2016, 03:36:46 PM Hi Sysyphus,
*welcome* Is your username picked after the king of Ephyra? I'm so sorry that you had to go through that I'm glad that you decided to join us, bpdfamily is a safe place where we can share our thoughts and feelings. You're hurt, do you require medical attention? Title: Re: Hi my first time here. Post by: Naughty Nibbler on August 15, 2016, 03:53:49 PM Hi Sysyphus:
Physical violence is never okay. I'm so sorry for your experience. . You need to take steps to stay safe. Has he gotten physical with you before? Because he feels invalidated, does not justify violence in any form. Has he been in therapy before? Is "validation" something you have discussed in the past? The below link is to a booklet that has some helpful information on staying safe: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf It can be helpful to think through a plan for you safety, should he become violent again. Title: Re: Hi my first time here. Post by: BowlOfPetunias on August 15, 2016, 04:02:55 PM Validation by coercion is way, way out of bounds. red-flag Validation is something we do to help the other person cope. It is not something we should do OR ELSE.
We all know that BPDs have problems with logic. But this is extreme--How can someone possibly validate someone when forced to do so? "Yes, now that you threaten me, I do see that you are angry/hurting/sad." Validation, by definition, must be voluntary. (One of my college professors said that Ernst Bloch had once made a joke about "enforcing [Kant's] categorical imperative with a gun." This sounds a lot like that.) The physical abuse has to stop PERIOD. He also needs to understand that you will not respond to threats--at least not in the way he wants. He should understand that possible responses include divorce and/or calling the police. That is a firm boundary that must not be crossed. This sounds like someone who has latched on to BPD as a justification for bad behavior. He needs to see his BPD as a problem that he is responsible for controlling, not a license to be abusive. Title: Re: Hi my first time here. Post by: Sysyphus on August 15, 2016, 05:43:06 PM I so appreciate everyone's concern it means so much. It is a strange feeling to know that there are people who get this. Yes that is where my user name came from, it is also my dogs name. I feel it defines the every day struggles. My husband also has chronic lyme and other tick borne infections on top of the BPD. I sometimes feel he uses it as an excuse to act out too. I'm at a loss he keeps saying that I know what to do to fix this... .God help me I don't! I am not hurt just hurting. Both emotionally and physically. I couldn't work today either i never call in so my guilt is over flowing. I did finally make an appointment with a therapist today. Thank you everyone
Title: Re: Hi my first time here. Post by: Naughty Nibbler on August 15, 2016, 10:09:43 PM Sysyphus I'm glad to hear you made an appointment with a therapist. Give your dog a big hug. Animals can be a comfort, during times of stress. Take care. Let us know how things go. Title: Re: Hi my first time here. Post by: Turkish on August 16, 2016, 10:42:14 PM Hi Sysyphus,
How is it going now? I wanted to share something based upon what he said to you. Quote from: Sysyphus Today he says I pushed him to do it cause I couldn't control myself. I can't say anything right. Many members on the boards have heard this or similar things, even patterns of children with BPD. I heard it early on in another form: "you know what pisses me of, so just don't do it!" The problem is that it's a constantly shifting valuation target, driven by the unstable emotions of another. Some simple questions are hard to answer. I was thinking yesterday that I'm not sure I know what domestic violence is. It's come up recently from a few members and I thought it might be helpful to talk about what it is and what it isn't in a general sense... .and what to do. This was published on one public service site: MYTH: Domestic violence is a "loss of control." FACT: Violent behavior is a choice. Perpetrators use it to control their victims. Domestic violence is about batterers using their control, not losing their control. Their actions are very deliberate. MYTH: The victim is responsible for the violence because she provokes it. FACT: No one asks to be abused. And no one deserves to be abused regardless of what they say or do. Though we talknow a lot here about validation and how to reduce conflict, violence crosses a line for which the abuser is responsible. It's possible he may feel guilt or shame, and being unable to deal with it, blame shifts it onto you. Ultimately, however, the blame lies with him. He's asserting control. You can't control him either, and I hope you're taking steps to be safe. Turkish Title: Re: Hi my first time here. Post by: Sysyphus on August 17, 2016, 07:56:34 PM Hi everybody. Again thank you for your caring. Right now we are at a quite place. Still recovering from this last episode. He told me that if I wanted him to or my counselor thought it might help he would go. I suppose I'll see how that goes. He is feeling very guilty for what happened and is an easy trigger. I am trying to stay neutral and supportive. I will update and I so appreciate all of you.
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