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My wife's rages are often triggered by our son's refusal/extreme foot dragging regarding his schoolwork and cleaning his room.  In the past, I have indicated that I believe he needs to cut back on extracurricular activities and focus on his academics.  He has also said that he needs more free time and wants to cut back on extracurricular activities so he can play video games and hang out with friends.  (I want him to be able to do these things as much as he wants AS LONG AS he does his homework and reasonable chores.)  She has also had rages over him not practicing music (trumpet--for school credit--and guitar--not for school.)

While we were driving on Sunday, she asked him about taking guitar this fall.  He said he did not want to take lessons because he wanted more free time.  I believe that she then started telling him he either had to take guitar or replace it with another activity.  I said that I thought he needed to have less things on his plate so he would feel less pressure and that would hopefully help with him doing his schoolwork.

This morning, she called me and complained that I should not have told him that he does not have to take guitar without talking to her in private.  Extracurricular activities are supposed to be for fun, right?  If he is not enjoying it or if there is a side effect (like being too busy), then he should be able to make the decision to drop it.  It is his his decision.  (He is 13 and entering 8th grade.)  There are things that he should not be deciding for himself--seeing a movie like Dead Pool, whether or not to do homework, whether or not to clean hs room--but he does have a right--and a need--to make some decisions for himself.

He has complained in the past about her pushing him into theater projects and other activities.  Preparing for his Bar Mitzvah was a big source of stress last year.  Now, he is done with Hebrew school, but she wants him to join the youth group and serve as a teacher's aide with the Hebrew school.  Keep in mind that he was fired from two volunteer counselor-in-training positions at summer camps this year--largely, I suspect, because he did not want to do that in the first place.

I have been stressing with her for some time--and his therapist has also said this--that we need to focus on him putting in effort rather than doing spectacularly.  I recently read a book on OCD (which runs in my side of the family, definitely affects our daughter, and probably affects him) that emphasized that the standard for schoolwork needs to be "good enough" rather than perfect.  If the standard is impossible to meet--or even seems that way--then someone with an anxiety disorder will be unlikely to even try.  He has said as much himself--Math is too hard this year.  I can't get all A's.  I don't clean my room because it is so overwhelming and it will never be good enough.  He had an evaluation at school last year and anxiety was one of the main findings. 

Hi Petunias,

There are a lot of things going on here, the relationship and the parenting.

First, both of you are right in ways and both of you are wrong. It is important for both parents to be on the same page with discipline, otherwise the child can play both parents to get the most lenient situation. It is also important to appear to be solid together - so when you disagree- it should be done in private as when either of you undermine the other parent in front of him, it invalidates the other parent.

For any discipline to be effective, it has to be consistent. So this inconsistency between you is undermining your effectiveness as parents.

The first step to getting it together with your child is for the two of you to get discipline together. That may be very difficult. But he's the child, and inconsistent boundaries don't work with children, even teens. In actuality, being consistent may be more important than the actual rule in some cases, since there isn't one right way to have extracurricular activities.

When making changes in rules and implementing discipline, it is hard to make a lot of sweeping changes at once. When you set a boundary, that boundary has to be firm, so it has to be a doable boundary. Just like any changes, we have to take on what we can. If we say we are going to lose 20 pounds, run a marathon, and read War and Peace all at once, we may set ourselves up to fail. But we can more likely say we will walk a mile 3 times a week and read 10 pages a day which over time can achieve the goals.

Same for you and your son. Pick one behavior : just an example: son will clean room before playing games. Then, keep the boundary. He has choices. He may not clean his room. The consequence- no games. Eventually he may get it. Also know that teens test boundaries first and the extinction burst happens. If you give in to that, your boundaries are worthless. Yes, he has gotten the keys and so on. Take the game to your office if you have to. You can add more rules as you go along.

With three people, there is the drama triangle. Keep this in mind. My BPD mother expected my father to rescue her from me, when I defied her as a teen. She's also play us against Dad if she was angry at him. You are the one to be the consistent role model. I learned from both parents and your child will too. But as a teen, he needs firm boundaries along with increasing responsibilities and freedom as he grows into an independent adult.

You appear to feel strongly about these things.  You are entitled to have input in the level and type of activities that is being put on your children.  Are you talking to your W about this, sticking up for what you value and believe in and hashing this out between you and her.  It can be painful, time consuming, effort filled and particularly challenging doing this with someone with BPD.  If you are, how does that look?  There are alternatives.  Having your son stressed all the time?  Having you son undermine both of you and play you to against each other? Split and run the show during your custody time?  But these also entail problems and downsides of their own.