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My uBPDxw is watching the kids at my home while I am at work.  She refused to sign any divorce papers that had me sell the expensive home I live in so the kids didn't have to move.  To afford living there, she has to watch kids so I don't have to pay daycare.  I am now seeing this is just a way to keep her claws in me.  She has not made it known that I have been replaced and she hasn't painted me black as far as I know.  I believe she is a waif.

For the most part, things are ok between us.  She went berserk this morning when I told her I was coming home early to rest  (I did not sleep but 2 hours last night thinking about her BPD ways).  It was all about her and how now she has to find something to do for a few hours because she says she still can't find a place to live.  I get that I changed plans, but that is going to happen sometimes.

It is almost like we are still married.  She hangs out there after I am back from work.  She tries to tell me what kind of vehicle I should get or that she will pay half of the payment if I get a certain vehicle but not another.  She has clothes still in the closets and on the floor.  She doesn't clean any mess that is made while she is there.  She calls me up when she is melting down so I can soothe her emotions.

How do I set boundaries with her in my home?  It seems that anything I say will be met with threats and meltdowns.  How does this work?  I know boundaries should be set, but the implementing them is what I can't find help on.

How old are your kids? Are you legally divorced or still going through the process? Who legally owns the house?

First thing I would do is get a box and put all of her things (clothes, etc) in it for her to take.

She calls you to soothe her emotions, but you don't have to answer the phone! You also don't have to engage in any conversations when you are home. Maybe you could try asking her to leave when you get home, and if she doesn't then tell her "I will wait in the front yard while you say goodbye to the kids".

Where is she sleeping at night, with the new boyfriend? Does she have any plans of getting her own place? Is there family nearby where she can watch the kids instead of in your residence?

We are legally divorced. The home is legally mine. I would like us to get along for the sake of the kids but need boundaries. She is supposed to find a place to live. She hops from renting one room to another. She has no money and is living off credit cards. She wanted nothing in settlement but eventually got a very small amount of child support and half of 401k. She wanted this arrangement and frankly so did I to save money and let the kids live in the house. She never really rages unless things don't go her way and even then it isn't a rage. It is not a terrible situation but I need boundaries and privacy. I am not sure how to convey the boundaries so she understands.

I am learning a lot from this site on how to validate and use SET. So far, it seems to be helping. It is so weird because she is undiagnosed but has all the qualities I think of a waif. Even when she gets really upset, she had been calming down much faster. She comes back around. I don't feel replaced or painted black. I feel like she has plenty of options so why won't she take them.

This is a deviation from my boundary question. I have so many questions.