BPDFamily.com

I'd love some pointers on this one from those with significant experience. My BPDh has been abusing alcohol for months - background - 3 years away from home throughout the week ( school year) to finish degree in teaching shop. Extremely stressful being away from home, blended family includes our twin daughters now 41/2 and my older teens now 18 and 15. Teens dad passed 4 years ago so they are with us full time. 

BPDh has anxiety disorder , possible PTSD, chronic pain issues, so the S aspect of SET is clear. He has just graduated ( huge  achievement!) and verbal abuse has escalated like crazy now he's home. Talking on another board, it makes sense that he is very unsure of his position in the family and how or even if he fits in, and seems very angry at me for having been the one to run the home while he's been gone. My concerns are multiple - I am very concerned about his physical health with the drinking.  We are talking over 1 litr of alcohol a day in the 11 days he was home in the last 2 weeks.  I am concerned about how drinking affects his mood , how it can distort thinking , create irritability. Am concerned about how it take s away from real interactions in our relationship.  We already have a ton of mundane day to day issues to work out with 4 kids, and with alcohol in the picture addressing our relationship issues doesnt happen.  I am concerned about how much has been spent on alcohol .   It's SUCH a touchy subject to begin with.  How do I get this on the table ?

Since you really have no control over how much or when he drinks, there's not a lot that you can do on that front. You can establish your own boundaries and what is acceptable to you.

Have you thought of a group like Al-Anon or other group to support family members of substance abusers?

That is true. I am not trying to control him. I am wanting to make him aware of what the effect could be on himself , and what the effect is on others. Presenting information. Is SET not used in a situation like this, where a truth that may not want to be heard or addressed may be ?

SET is useful way of communicating all the time. it will not however fix things on its own. Whatever impulse is causing him to drink is too overwhelmingly powerful it will override considerations for the effect of others.

Having dealt with the consequences of severe alcoholism all I can say is the important thing is to focus on disengaging from the consequences of it. Trying to fix/educate/debate or influence them adds to the pressure on both of you, which ultimately feeds the cause.

Building his self esteem when he is sober is important so those times create a feel good experience, then disengaging when he is drinking so it creates no feel good emotions.

On the other hand sometimes it is not always done to feel good. It is done as a form of self harm, it may be worth keeping an eye out for that motivation.