BPDFamily.com

I've only just discovered the extent of my bf (who I now have space and distance from) 's lying. Even if I confront him with black and white evidence, about something I don't even care about, he will deny it. It seems to be getting worse. Just yesterday I noticed that he had rejoined a social network I was on. His location, stats and profile text were identical to the one he deleted a year ago, and it even said 'back after a break'. I only spotted it because it had viewed me frequently. He denied it was him and maintains someone has used his deleted profile to ghost a new one. (impossible unless someone had a photo of it and why would they bother) I was completely happy for him to be on the site, but he denies it. The other week I wouldn't let something drop that I knew he was lying about (insignificant), and he eventually got the giggles and started hiding his face like a toddler  is this a typical BPD? If so, how do others manage the lies about things which dont even matter?

Pointing out something he doesn't want to admit brings on shame, and cannot be owned.  Avoiding shame is a BIG part of BPD.  My H isn't so bad about this, but wow my BPD mother is.  She would give out my cell# to creditors so they'd call me instead of her, and then deny it.  She even gave out H's mother's number a few times.  After I confronted her with it the last time, she denied it again, told me we just couldn't talk, and hung up.  A few minutes later, a neighbor of her who I have never met (she lives many states away - she was dodging local arrest I think) texted me, telling me I was a terrible daughter, yadda yadda.  Guess who gave her my number, after swearing she never did or would give out my number?

If the lies don't matter, then I don't think they need to be mentioned.  If H wants to believe and loudly insist we always bought brand X (this happened last week int eh store) of bacon bits, when I, the main shopper know darn well we always buy brand Y, does it really matter?  No.  As long as brand X is there and he's happy buying it, I don't care to push the issue.  It does us no good, and wastes time and emotion that can go to issues that DO matter.  

H ahs lots of tiny things I believe he misremembers to dodge his culpability in lots of things.  They are often small, and nothing I say will change it, and you know, I can't 100% trust that my own memory is infallible, so I don't push it.  If it DOES matter, I have to, and I save the battles for those times.

It seems my H does the same type of thing... .remember the movie Big Fish? That totally reminds me of him, every story is exaggerated to make it sound bigger and more interesting. I can't ever really believe anything he says. One time he even pocked dialed me and I heard him telling a friend a wild and totally untrue story. I confronted him about it, and he didn't deny it just said he was having fun deceiving someone. It seems like a BPD trait since their identity is not solid, so the need to make up stories to make themselves sound more interesting and get attention is common.

I also found him sending out fake emails to another woman, and went confronted he said he was just having fun. Jeez... .

I have a BPD loved one in my life who does exactly what you describe -- she will giggle and hide her face, even if the conversation feels very charged. From what I understand, this is a coping mechanism to handle intense emotions that are considered inappropriate (by the person with BPD). It's a regression to a much earlier emotional state because they perceive you to be enacting a parental role.

My pwBPD also lies about small things and big things, even when it's such an obvious lie. Like isilme mentioned, the challenge is that pwBPD already feel so much shame, which triggers many defense mechanisms. So confronting the lie just does more of the same.

I wonder if it would help release some pressure for him if you approach his actions with empathy, or recognize when you may have done something similar. It's very lonely and isolating to have BPD, and letting them know that their feelings and thoughts are normal and ok can help them build trust. They have developed unhealthy behaviors to cope with the shameful feelings they feel about being themselves, and while we don't like those behaviors, directly confronting them only gets them to dig into the unhealthy behaviors more deeply -- it's all they know.

When I acknowledge the normalcy of emotions, or validate the emotions in my pwBPD, I can feel the impact it has on her.