BPDFamily.com

I have a question. Let's say that your wife is working in a place that she hates, she has many issues with but she doesn't do anything to change it - or seek help to learn how to deal with it.

Would you have intervene and get a way for her to stop working there?

How about moving from a city to a different city?

Moving?  Not a chance. 

This is hers and it is important the she deals with it.  The only intervention I would do is to validate and encourage her to make a change.

Given the mission of this board, I think the answer should depend on your wife's history.

You say that she hates her current job.  Has she, however, had a job she enjoyed (or at least did not hate) where she got along with her coworkers?  Or is her attitude toward this job shaped by the fact that she has had conflict at all of her previous jobs?  

One of the symptoms/criteria for BPD is an unstable work history.

My wife has often complained, for example, that people at a job have accused her of being angry and she did not know what they were talking about.  So they must have just had it in for her for some reason.  Given how often she has denied being angry around me when she was clearly acting angry, combined with the recurring pattern of work conflict, leads me to believe that these people were picking up on her emotional dysregulation.  (BPD is also known as Emotional Dysregulation Syndrome.)  She has subsequently gotten fired from several of these positions. 

Whether she stays at this job or leaves, it would probably be a good idea to encourage your wife to identify what she hates about the job and how she could change the dynamics.  If she stays, this could make it less unpleasant.  Even if she leaves, however, she will hopefully be in a better position for her next job.

I encouraged H to leave jobs he hated, and the last one I can say I believed his interpretation that he was being treated not just unfairly, but abusively.  Sadly, his previous boss was a lot like my BPD mother.  Once I saw that in her, I wanted him out of there, and told him we'd be better off with him not working than dealing with that. 

No, I'd not move unless YOU had a great opportunity, or other reason to do so.  pwBPD are often just unhappy at work or any other pursuit, so uprooting your whole life in the hopes fixing her workplace unhappiness might only be good for a short time, until the new job has people accusing her of being angry, etc.  I agree that she would be better served by exploring what is it that makes her not like it, if she'd be better just being at home, and if any other job might suit her better or if her issues will just tag along with her.

My question is this: whose job is it to change the situation? It's your wife's misery, and her job to do something about it. Fixing it for her is taking away her responsibility. It also then makes you responsible for her happiness in the next place. So, you intervene and move her, then what happens if she isn't happy then?

If she were to be responsible for her own job, there are a number of things she could do: send out applications, interview, ask to change to a different department.

What is caretaking? It is doing something for someone else that they are capable of doing themselves. It can be more harmful than helpful.

There is a saying "wherever you go, there you are". An unhappy person will be unhappy wherever they are.

You can ask her what she doesn't like and what SHE CAN DO to possibly make it better. You can then support her actions and choices.

Be aware pwBPD tend to hate wherever they work, it becomes a chicken and egg issue as to what is the root cause of the problem.

My wife has been bullied and ostracized in every job or group of people she has ever known. So what is the common factor? Easy to see even if she can't.

That said there are still situations where it is obvious inappropriate, and doing more harm than good. In those cases you can only give honest advice, but ultimately it is her choice.

Well I sure can relate to this one.  My uBPDw hates her job at a local elementary school.  Over the summer, she mentioned a job opening at a different school located closer to our house, and I encouraged her to apply for that other job.  She considered it but decided to stay because she didn't want to leave behind the one co-worker who has become her friend.  So school started back up again a few weeks ago after summer vacation and her one co-worker friend announced during the first week that she would be leaving that school as soon as she could find another job anyplace else!  (uBPDw was regretting not making the move then.) 

Anyway, I think there are a couple of important points to consider:

1) BPDs are unhappy people, regardless of the job.  While your wife hates her current job, there is a high probability that she would find (invent) reasons to hate her next job, so rearranging both of your lives around her job by moving would not likely be worthwhile and might be counterproductive.

2) Your wife is an adult and is responsible for her own happiness - that's not your job.  You trying to orchestrate situations to appease her is not likely to help either of you long-term. 

So my advice for you would be for you to validate and sympathize with her and encourage her to seek a different job if she decides on her own to pursue something different.  But it's not your job to do it all for her.

In what way would you intervene?

Do you want to move to a different city?

Maybe we can help you think about positive ways to approach this.

Rescuing her will only communicate that she is incompetent or inadequate, even if being rescued is exactly what she is after.

Figuring out how to support her own decision-making is possible, though requires patience and specific communication skills that are often counter-intuitive.

If you are happy where you are and have a support system and good job, your needs and preferences have to come first so that you have the emotional stability and strength to be there for her.