BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone.  I'm not sure what to do and looking for help.  I never got married until i was 34 years old.  I found the love of my life and got married, and we had a child.  When our child was 1 month old, my wife passed away.

After a year of dealing with being a single father and healing from the pain of losing the love of my life, I had a dream about an acquaintance and I contacted her and we wound up going out and soon after, getting married. She is 16 years younger than me, but seemed mature for her age.  

Things were great at first and then I started noticing in my wife an inability to deal with small issues, such as the computer taking too long to load or having a fit of rage over cars being in front of us and not going fast enough.  It has now morphed into everything will be fine, and then all of a sudden, my wife is in a horrible mood speaking hatefully to me and just generally being mean and hateful for no apparent reason.  Sometimes I will get a reason out of her, and the fit of rage that had ensued does not at all match the reason for it.  

I have a hard time with some of the hurtful things she has said to me and about our marriage.  I am very patient and mild mannered, but she is many times the complete opposite.  I am not really sure if I should stay or try to get divorced.  She has said multiple times she wants a divorce, but we haven't gotten one.  

The time I finally had enough and started contacting attorney's for a divorce, then she became nice for a few weeks.  Now it's back to her mood swings and hateful words and hateful attitude towards me.  I am not sure what to do.  I pretty much have to watch what I say or I will pay the price.  In many areas, she is an awesome wife and mother, but then the way she acts when she gets hateful just pushes me away and makes me want to be a single father again.  I am the type of person who won't ever ask for help, and I don't talk to anyone about my problems, but I can't do this much longer and I need help.  

I have tried and tried and tried, but nothing is every good enough to make the hatefulness towards me stop.  I am self employed and we make great money, and I spend a ton of time researching how to make her happy and trying to get at the root of her major attitude problem, but nothing seems to help and I'm starting to accept that she is always going to be hateful in spurts for no apparent reason.

 I can't handle this much more and I feel like it's affecting my poor child who already doesn't have his biological mother, but has a mother figure who doesn't have a nurturing side and is speaking hatefully to me and him whenever the wind blows the wrong way.  

I know this is a lot of writing, and I have a lot more I could say, but I just really don't know if this marriage is worth the heartache I'm getting.  I will wake up happy, my kid will wake up happy, and when my wife wakes up, she ruins the mood of the whole house and all the fun goes out the window.  Some days she is happy, but it's not common and it takes everything being just exactly perfect.  The good moods can go at a moment's notice and can be triggered by anything, and the triggers usually are mind blowingly dumb reasons to get upset.  My poor kid is mimicking her hatefulness and it's a battle to keep him informed that's not the way to handle things, but I just don't know what to do anymore.  I want to save my marriage but I don't know if it's worth it anymore.  Any advice is welcomed.  Thanks so much.  

Hi and welcome!

I'm sorry you have to go through such a tough life. Let's see what we can do... .

Can you tell us more about your situation: your age, your child's age, how long you've been married this time.

Can you also tell us how a typical arguement/conversation woudl go between you and her?

Thanks

Tearing down the other parent isn't cool,  especially in front of children.  How old is your son,  and how is he mimicking his step mom's behaviors?  

It sounds like she's resenting something.  Have you ever asked her,  point-blank,  what she's feeling?  I asked my ex once,  when she wasn't angry,  what was she feeling when she was lashing out,  and she replied,  "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!" That said a lot.  I, and the kids,  could be triggers,  but it went deeper. For every feeling there is a need (or an unmet need).  Your feelings may be frustration to the max. Likely your need is peace,  not to be disrespected.  

Whether it's BPD, or emotional immaturity (which can seem BPD like), the communication tools here can help.  See Lesson 3 to the right of this board.  

Both of you sound frustrated,  and divorce ultimatums,  no matter how valid the feelings, may be adding to the conflict. You do it,  she behaves for a while,  then goes back to the same behaviors because nothing is solved.  Nothing is solved on your end either for you.  Start with some simple things and let me know if they work:

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)

Turkish

Hi darkstar,

I'm so sorry for your loss, and imagine that first year of your son's life was terribly painful for you. My heart goes out to you. Being a single parent of a newborn while grieving might be one of the hardest things I can think of going through. Many of these for what you're been through: 

People with BPD lost the genetic lottery. Many systems to regulate emotions are compromised, and when there is stress, all the systems go down. It takes very little to trigger feelings of stress.

One thing I had to learn is to carve out breaks, many of them. Run to the store to get an item you don't need. Go outside and water the lawn when it's raining. Take your cat for a walk, anything to get some alone time to clear your head and shore up strength.

When you have strength, the skills (many are counter-intuitive to what you may know) become more manageable. If you are teetering on the brink of divorce, you need to focus on stabilizing yourself and get enough perspective to size the situation up from a place of relative strength.

It sounds cliche to say take care of yourself, but it's anything but cliche for people in a BPD relationship. If no one is taking care of you, then you need to take care of you. Rules are different for right now, and her needs may have to wait until you're able to detach enough to see what part is the mental illness, and what part is her.

We're here for you, you're not alone in this.

LnL