BPDFamily.com

I am new to the this forum, and as one poster said, I'm drinking from the fire hose... .  I can honestly say that I have not been properly equipped with validation, empathetic listening, or firm boundaries, but I have always tried very hard to understand my wife when she would turn on me (which always happens when our relationship peaks).  Sometimes I handled it well and dodged the bullet, and sometimes I just did not have the mental energy/capacity and things go badly.

Despite learning so much over the past few days about her failure to deal with her emotions, I just feel so much resentment from all of the verbal abuse, failed outings, projection, and gas lighting over the years.  I just do not know how how I am going to be patient enough to ignore being told "You NEVER... .", "You ALWAYS ... ", or "You're an !@#$%" and instead find a way to validate her.  How do you do it?  And when you know she will never get an apology, how do NOT form resentment?

I'm not sure if this is a good analogy, but I kinda see H's BPD as if he has an emotional disability.  And just as if he had a physical disability, I have to accept the limitations that would entail to be able to stay with him. 

I think if you read as much as you can about radical acceptance, it may help.  Also, seeing that while yes, the disordered emotions mean things will be said that hurt, accuse, and blameshift, there is usually more there to the person that you DO like to be with.  I have tracked down H's triggers to include things like not eating on time (low blood sugar makes rages far more likely), nd knowing this helps me not internalize the comments.  I know I did not do X,Y,Z, and so refuse to accept the blame or emotions that go with it (usually). 

Sadly, just like when an angry toddler screams "I hate you!", it hurts, but you know it's because they have limited coping skills and need a nap - pwBPD had their emotional coping arrested often almost about the age of a toddler.  They are adults, and can often function okay as adults, but their internal emotions and ability to adapt are often little better than a child at times.  This can be maddening, as you see and adult body, you expect adult conscientiousness.  BPD prevents that.  So just as with the sleepy toddler screaming at you, and how you don't let the insults stick, so do you have to treat the black and white comments, the blame, and the insults meant to make all shame your fault.

Basically, you, as the person with a hopefully higher level of emotional maturity, have to consciously tell yourself, this is the BPD speaking, and I don't have to allow it to make me feel bad. 

I view it the same as isilme when dealing with my pwBPD. I accept the limitations just as I would accept a physical handicap. It still does hurt from time to time, but I recognize it for what it is and try not to take it personally.

I will admit that some days are better than others. At those times, I try to stay mindful of the fact that we are separate people and what is said to me is not something that I must internalize and believe to be true. We all have our own opinions after all. I don't have to agree with the opinion of another, just respect that it is his/her opinion.

For me I notice how critical it is to take care of myself. To really, really do it, the small stuff, the medium stuff, and the big stuff.

Honestly, BPD relationships, especially the current one, made me look hard at the guilt I feel when I put my needs first. But if you don't take care of yourself, then it's hard to feel the kind of compassion and empathy needed to block the behaviors that exasperate you.

I started with tiny things, like stepping out onto the porch when I started to feel tension grow. Or, learning to find tasks to do around the house that required immediate attention.

As an example of the guilt, in the morning she would come to my bedroom door and have something or other that she needed without trying to solve it herself. So, I told her that I had a new routine and was usually meditating, and if she had any thing she needed, to ask at night because in the morning I would not be available. First morning, she came into the bedroom (a boundary I had) and tapped me on the shoulder while I'm sitting with eyes closed, earphones on  . Next morning, same thing. Third morning, I locked the door. She banged on the door a bunch and I ignored it. Amazing how persistent she can be... .By the fourth morning, I noticed (even through headphones) that she was slamming cupboard doors, walking like an elephant, talking to the dog loudly, talking to herself.

I don't remember how long it took, but eventually it stopped.

Throughout all of this, I felt so guilty! And had to keep remembering that I'm taking care of myself. If I start the day off with something for me, I can be more compassionate to her when she's charging off a cliff and trying to take everyone with her.

I know you probably can't do the same thing with a romantic partner, this is just to share an example of what it might take to care for yourself so you have a little cup of patience and empathy when she's dysregulating.

My BPD loved one will monopolize time, and I'm not great at getting out of those kinds of situations. So T suggested I have a thing on my phone that texts me, giving me an out to end a conversation to take a call or tend to something. It seems like a desperate measure, but when you've been conditioned by BPD behaviors, things can feel a bit off balance, and it takes something ingenious to try and get back to center, even if it's only to remind yourself that you are looking out for yourself.