BPDFamily.com

My DW has BPD and I need to learn how to communicate and cope with it as a whole. how to calm escolated situations. how to communicate proper and how to deal with the feelings that come with living and loving someone with BPD. I feel guilty after arguments and I know that I don't always deserve to... and it is starting to ware me down...

Hi and Welcome!

Search and read all you can on this site about Validation. It is a communication technique to help reduce tension, understand their feelings, and stop making things worse. It will help!

Tell us more about your situation: how long have you been together, do you have kids, ages of everyone.

AB

Welcome and hello  :)

What is your wife like? Every person with BPD is different, some meet all the criteria or only a handful, and others experience severe degrees of the disorder, others less so. Just being in the ballpark of BPD traits can make for a difficult relationship. We're here to walk with you as you learn the skills and share what's going on, when you're ready.

What triggers the guilt? What are the arguments usually about?

*welcome*

I want to join AB and LNL in welcoming you.

Working on the communication skills is a great place to start. Learning to listen with empathy, to not invalidate, and to not JADE will likely give you a good start on keeping things from escalating. There is kind of a quick start guide in the sidebar to the right of the screen.

For a more in-depth look at these and other communication skills, you can take a look at the MEMBERS WORKSHOPS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0).

It is also recommended that you poke around the boards and read what others have written. There is a lot of wisdom to be found on these pages.

Good afternoon:

My wife is the most amazing person when she is content and happy. She is very loving and caring. and makes sure that I know how much I mean to her, and then there are times where she wants to break me down and bring up past situations whether they happened during our relationship or not. she bring up my sons father a lot , there are insuritites there about her not being able to provide for me like he did, and the fact that hes a guy. she is worried i am going to cheat and when i got a new job it was a huge trigger about me meeting someone else. she cheating in her past after finding a new job and it ruined two relationships. she gets anxious about being alone for too long worries that she isn't enough for me.

what is currently triggering guilt is that we do not live together currently due to a non contact order and i try to get out once in a while  2x in the last three weeks, to keep my head about me and not sulk at home, and she is very upset that i am doing that. she feels that since she has such bad anxiety that she can barely leave the place she is at that is unfair that i am. that i am out partying it up while she is gone. i know that i am doing the right thing, in my gut, and from advice from counsellors. but knowing ti will trigger an escolation i do feel guilt.

the arguments are usually about me cheating, and her not being enough for me. and all the stuff i have done in my past which is always worse then what she has done. in calm times we both understand that we all have a past and thats what makes us us... .but in the escolated times non of that matters.

I will read up more on validation thank you 

my wife and i have been together for 3 years married for 15 months.
i have two children from two previous relationships (18,13) the 18 year old i had to kick out and put a peace bond on, due to the violence against myself and my youngest, which my wife witnessed and was living with meat the time when that all went down. that situation was very difficult for her to process and i don't think she is really over it fully. we put in an alarm system with cameras because she was so convinced that he was going to poison our door handle or be lurking outside with a gun.  my 13 year old alternates weekly between my ex and I.

i am 38, turning 39 on sept 15th, my wife is 36 turning 37 in Nov

I suspect this is highly relevant information that you havn't mentioned. Why is there an order in place? What happened?

so when i started my new job my DW was so agitated about it that she kept trying to get me to quit before i started. I even called in the late night of my first day and said that I couldn't make it work due to one car. ( my wife wasn't willing to compromise and it was really making me feel guilty on having a new job that would take care of us) the second day of training her mom went to the eye doctor and my wife got worried... she wanted the car, she started calling over and over ... .to the point where management came into training and pulled me out...   when i got home i tried to avoid the conflict by not reacting and she pushed and pushed ... .and it turned into an altercation where i finally hit her back ( after being grabbed and pushed multiple times) and she called the cops... .  she than got charged and a peace bond was placed with a no contact order and mischief under $5000... .now she is in another city and I am here... .trying to handle things day by day... thank goodness for my works EAP ( employee assistance program) and the counsellors that are available... i was on the phone to COAST the early morning of the incident to get support and now I am trying to get things back together here... .we had started ripping the carpet out ( my DW's wishes, and i agreed) in the argument due to me not responding to her antagonizing she took apart the tv stand and unplugged all my electronics and almost took apart the desk the computer is on... .all in an attempt to get under my skin.

I have been thinking more about the question more toward the whole situation, rather than what just most recently happened... and what triggers guilt  is not doing or acting like she would want to. not being enough for her even though i try to accommodate her as much as i can. guilt of not being enough because even when i try to change or accommodate her it still doesn't seem like enough. I have most recently purchased a book "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" i will try to take this opportunity that we are away from each other to use it to educate myself and learn coping mechanisms so when she does return to me, i am more prepared.

Good plan! I found that book was helpful, and read it a few times to sink in. Practice makes perfect, and it helped to try things out and then go back and read again. Valerie Porr's book is also helpful.

On the topic of guilt, you may want to read Stop Caretaking the Borderline because the skills won't come easily if you don't understand what's going on with your own guilt complex. For many of us, guilt goes back to our own family of origin patterns in intimate relationships, where we were expected to put someone else's needs before our own, often creating relationship harmony at the expense of your own sense of self.

Part of BPD is having no boundaries, which is connected to a merger fantasy for you to be an extension of her, which is not sustainable nor realistic. The relationship skills we try to work on help us help our loved ones manage the individuation of self. She is trying to merge with you, and needs to develop her own sense of self. Giving in to her merger fantasy doesn't work, as you experienced, and it will never work.

The motto in my home is to raise the skill level of all family members up, and not allow ourselves to be pulled down to BPD level functioning.

Happy Birthday!