BPDFamily.com

Hello this is my first post here!

My gf of 10 months has BPD and while everything has been great with her and I'm very much in love, there are definitely some issues with conflict that do arise from time to time. Sometimes in pretty rapid bursts. Overall I am happy but there are issues that I was hoping to get help with and thought it would be beneficial to join a group for support.

So my main issue of concern has to do with space and time. For most of our relationship I have spent just about all of my time with her. I spend less time with friends (there are reasons other than her for that) and she does not have a car so I will also give her rides to and from work.

Her reaction when I'm unavailable seems to vary. Sometimes if I say I won't be available to give her a ride or to hang out, she will be understanding, mostly as long as I give a decent amount of notice. Which is fair of course. However, sometimes she will say she is ok with it, but then later she will try to make plans with me for that date anyway or while i'm out she'll text me asking me to come over or she will flat out accuse me of not wanting to see her and not loving her because I'm not with her and I like my friends better.

I'd say she's understanding more often than not, but still, it always fills me with anxiety whenever I do hang out with other friends.

So I guess that for most of our relationship I've set up an expectation that I will always be around, but as is life, sometimes I'm not available and sometimes I do want to spend time with friends. I've talked about this a little bit with her. I told her recently that I needed to spend more time with my friends because they were upset I hadn't been around as much and she was very understanding. She said that she didn't want me to lose my relationships with my friends and that she wanted me to be happy. Which of course I appreciated so much.

So while that is great, I also can't help but worry about the potential times I will be forced to defend these boundaries, and honestly I'm not sure how to react if I am out with a friend and she accuses me of not really loving her because I'm not there with her.

I know not to take it personally but it does hurt to be accused of not loving someone I care about so much. I love her and want to support her in every way, but I also know that I can't let my relationships with others completely suffer. Does anyone have any advice on how to enforce boundaries for having personal time? 

Welcome and hello  :)

You're doing a really good job focusing on keeping your friendships alive, and that is great. And she is trying her best to support you.

It sounds like she does well when you give her advance warning and structure. This is probably true for many of us, and definitely true for many people with BPD. When you do tell her that you'll be spending time with other people, it may also help to refer to a time when the two of you will be together, like when you get back you'll do xyz together and you're looking forward to it. Tell her what you're going to do, remind her a few times, then remind her again the morning of, then again before you go. She needs more reassurance than someone without BPD.

She is likely to feel needy in ways that you can never satiate. It's part of radically accepting her for who she is. At the same time, you can never merge into her, the way her disorder makes her compelled to want. In fact, she needs you to have boundaries more than anything, even if asserting your boundaries is difficult for her.

There are times she may be in a regressed state and feel more child-like, and you leaving her will feel the same as if a parent is leaving her -- very scary. I have found it helps, in addition to the things above (advance warning, validating the desire to spend time together later), if I appeal to the adult-like side of her, that she handles things much better. For example, "That time you said it was important for me to see friends was so thoughtful. You know how to be supportive, even when it feels hard."

That kind of thing.

Then, when you are out, do your best to not respond to text messages if she tries to stay connected during your absence. When you set a boundary, it's important you are consistent and clear. You can discuss her text message when you get back, and if it's a boundary to not check texts while you're out with friends, then be clear about it and let her know what you ARE willing to do (like text her when you are in the car headed home, a nice courtesy).

Thank you very much for the reply! Those are some really useful tips, I will try to communicate better like that. The truth is, if I could spend all my time with her I would. Of course, I know that wouldn't be healthy for either of us and so I do try to make time for my other friends. Still, I think your advice of vocalizing that I'm excited to see her after with specific plans does make a lot of sense and I'm going to try and start doing that.

BPDs also lack object consistency (I think that's the name) - "out of sight out of mind". They need to be reminded that you are there.

So giving her a text when you are going out, or a photo, or something - shows her that you are still thinking of her and havn't "abandoned" her. I wouldn't do this every time - but every now and again. Even a quick text while out with friends - saying "I just remembered that time when we... ." or "looking forward to seeing you later/tomorrow". Just be sure not to get into a text converstion - send yours then don't respond to any others.

(This works for my wife, but it may not work for others - I can imagine her getting annoyed that you "started a conversation" then dropped it. Play with it - see what helps!)