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Title: Is deliberately trying to hurt me? Post by: Dontknow88 on September 12, 2016, 09:33:20 PM So he dumped me in my last month of pregnancy, our son is now 7 months old.
You know, great relationship that ended overnight. What do you guys make of this? Ok, here it goes When we were in a relationship we talked about moving in together and getting a pet rabbit together(my idea) (he told me that he couldn't care for one on his own so if I was there that would be great). I mean we made big plans about having a pet . I mean even my pic here is a bunny! Ok so he dumped me 8 months ago, got a new relationship, made public about a month ago on social media (I'm sure the relationship started before a month ago, not that that's important). He called yesterday to go over out legal issues about our son, then he goes "Jack, stop it!" I asked who's jack, he says that's his new pet bunny and he Actually decided to get 2!. It was like he was trying to rub it in. Do you think he was trying to hurt me?. Sure felt like it. On top of that since getting his new GF and bunnies now he's saying the child support payments are too much for him and doesn't know how long he's willing to pay that amount (it is a little more than I should legally get). I remember when we were in a relationship he would say "I want to give you the life you deserve!" So I'm sure he's saying that to her now but a little tight for money It's been a hard 8 months. Title: Re: Is deliberately trying to hurt me? Post by: Turkish on September 12, 2016, 10:45:23 PM It could be that he's deliberately trying to hurt you, and it could also be that he's so wrapped up in his own feelings that he doesn't see it. pwBPD can be hypersensitive on picking up the emotions of others sometimes, but on the flip side being hyposensitive regarding empathy. We can spend a lot of time guessing, but the fact is that it's obviously hurtful to you.
You can't make him stop being who he is, but rather draw boundaries externally and internally (harder, I know) to detach from this and focus on whatever issues surround your son. It is probably time to shuttle communication to email, which had the added benefit of being a document trail. Maybe at some point you can talk about your son by voice, but this seems to fresh. Title: Re: Is deliberately trying to hurt me? Post by: Dontknow88 on September 12, 2016, 11:42:51 PM It could be that he's deliberately trying to hurt you, and it could also be that he's so wrapped up in his own feelings that he doesn't see it. pwBPD can be hypersensitive on picking up the emotions of others sometimes, but on the flip side being hyposensitive regarding empathy. We can spend a lot of time guessing, but the fact is that it's obviously hurtful to you. You can't make him stop being who he is, but rather draw boundaries externally and internally (harder, I know) to detach from this and focus on whatever issues surround your son. It is probably time to shuttle communication to email, which had the added benefit of being a document trail. Maybe at some point you can talk about your son by voice, but this seems to fresh. Yes, thank you for sure I'll keep it to email alone for now. For the most part I've moved on, I guess he sees that then jabs!. I can't wait for the day this will all be a memory Title: Re: Is deliberately trying to hurt me? Post by: david on September 13, 2016, 08:29:23 PM My xBPDw and I have two boys (now 18 and 13). She ran away in 2007. I was painted as black as can be, I believe, and was Satan in the flesh according to her. I only communicate through email, since 2008, and have many emails attacking me for all sorts of things.
In the last year or two I have heard from our boys talking to me about things that go on at their moms. I have noticed that a lot of things I enjoyed, liked, did, etc. ex is now doing or talking about. The boys were 8.5 and 4.5 years old when she ran away and a lot of the things they mentioned in the last year or two were things that happened before they could remember. I don't talk to them about it but I have noticed. I don't try to figure out reasons anymore. One of my ss's got married last year. It is her son from her first marriage. Ex "tried" to provoke me, perhaps, or just acted in ways that many there found provoking towards me. I ignored or quietly laughed it off. I didn't feel anything and to me it was like a stranger doing something that they have no idea they are doing and I didn't see it worth the effort to say or do anything about it. Several people came up to me to criticize her and I simply listened and said something bland in response. Title: Re: Is deliberately trying to hurt me? Post by: Dontknow88 on September 13, 2016, 09:26:12 PM My xBPDw and I have two boys (now 18 and 13). She ran away in 2007. I was painted as black as can be, I believe, and was Satan in the flesh according to her. I only communicate through email, since 2008, and have many emails attacking me for all sorts of things. In the last year or two I have heard from our boys talking to me about things that go on at their moms. I have noticed that a lot of things I enjoyed, liked, did, etc. ex is now doing or talking about. The boys were 8.5 and 4.5 years old when she ran away and a lot of the things they mentioned in the last year or two were things that happened before they could remember. I don't talk to them about it but I have noticed. I don't try to figure out reasons anymore. One of my ss's got married last year. It is her son from her first marriage. Ex "tried" to provoke me, perhaps, or just acted in ways that many there found provoking towards me. I ignored or quietly laughed it off. I didn't feel anything and to me it was like a stranger doing something that they have no idea they are doing and I didn't see it worth the effort to say or do anything about it. Several people came up to me to criticize her and I simply listened and said something bland in response. You are strong! I've realized that (well my Ex) always talked about the past, most of what he knows, eg cooking, dressing styled, home decor just things that a person usually develops their own taste in he learned from an ex or a friend he likes. So from reading your post I wouldn't be surprised if he's telling his now girlfriend that his Ex (me) loves bunnies and that's why he dose too or he got into them cause of me. As we all know they don't know them self at all but they don't even know that fact too ! Title: Re: Is deliberately trying to hurt me? Post by: david on September 14, 2016, 08:00:37 AM In 2007, 2008, and 2009 it probably would have upset me but that was a long time ago. I have come to accept that my ex is going to do things I can't understand or neither can anyone else. I figure as long as it doesn't make sense to me I am okay. Once she starts making sense I need to find a psychiatrist for myself.
Title: Re: Is deliberately trying to hurt me? Post by: ForeverDad on September 14, 2016, 09:15:34 AM When we were in a relationship we talked about moving in together and getting a pet rabbit together (my idea) (he told me that he couldn't care for one on his own so if I was there that would be great). This reminds me of comments made years ago, though note that they were describing some tasks as steps aimed toward recovery, not that your Ex is attempting recovery, you didn't mention whether he tried caring for a plant first... . It has often been said that if he is to seek recovery it would be easier if he weren't in a close relationship until he made significant progress. I believe it was JoannaK here who advised, let the person with BPD start by caring for a plant for 6 months, then a pet for another 6 months. Yes, therapy means going back to the simple basics, a close relationship is far too complex and distracting. A few years ago someone wrote this, or maybe a few someones... . Recovery takes time. It might be that he needs to get stabilized, then while he's continuing therapy he's tasked with taking care of a plant. Then after a few months of doing well then he can be tasked with taking care of a gold fish. Maybe that's not the thing for your ex, but my point is this: The way he is he can't really handle any meaningful emotional relationship. He may have to start small, very small, and learn how to have a proper relationship on a small scale first. The way he is now and has been most of his life, either he is overwhelmed or he overwhelms the other. With you around he might not be able to overcome the emotional triggers and such. Title: Re: Is deliberately trying to hurt me? Post by: Dontknow88 on September 14, 2016, 11:14:25 AM In 2007, 2008, and 2009 it probably would have upset me but that was a long time ago. I have come to accept that my ex is going to do things I can't understand or neither can anyone else. I figure as long as it doesn't make sense to me I am okay. Once she starts making sense I need to find a psychiatrist for myself. It's so true, it doesn't make sense so don't worry about it. I'll keep that with me Title: Re: Is deliberately trying to hurt me? Post by: Dontknow88 on September 14, 2016, 11:21:24 AM When we were in a relationship we talked about moving in together and getting a pet rabbit together (my idea) (he told me that he couldn't care for one on his own so if I was there that would be great). This reminds me of comments made years ago, though note that they were describing some tasks as steps aimed toward recovery, not that your Ex is attempting recovery, you didn't mention whether he tried caring for a plant first... . It has often been said that if he is to seek recovery it would be easier if he weren't in a close relationship until he made significant progress. I believe it was JoannaK here who advised, let the person with BPD start by caring for a plant for 6 months, then a pet for another 6 months. Yes, therapy means going back to the simple basics, a close relationship is far too complex and distracting. A few years ago someone wrote this, or maybe a few someones... . Recovery takes time. It might be that he needs to get stabilized, then while he's continuing therapy he's tasked with taking care of a plant. Then after a few months of doing well then he can be tasked with taking care of a gold fish. Maybe that's not the thing for your ex, but my point is this: The way he is he can't really handle any meaningful emotional relationship. He may have to start small, very small, and learn how to have a proper relationship on a small scale first. The way he is now and has been most of his life, either he is overwhelmed or he overwhelms the other. With you around he might not be able to overcome the emotional triggers and such. He's never had a plant before and when we got together his house was filled with dead plants, he said plants aren't his things he said that he cannot take care of them By himself. So I'm shocked that he has not one but two pets now. I don't see this lasting long the pets for the relationship till he gets help Title: Re: Is deliberately trying to hurt me? Post by: Dontknow88 on October 07, 2016, 09:39:28 PM Do he decided to get 3 more lol!, sorry I dint meal to laugh and be rude but what are you doing with 5?... .well I see him giving away all of them soon. Honestly if he decides to buy my favourite restaurant and change the menu I wouldn't be shocked
Title: Re: Is deliberately trying to hurt me? Post by: david on October 08, 2016, 02:43:42 PM If BPD really does lack a sense of self and/or no object constancy then that kind of behavior makes sense. Trying to capture a time when you felt good/safe/something positive and unable to figure it out yourself you try to fix it by putting the physical objects at that time back in place. If the things are there then the feelings should come back too.
Title: Re: Is deliberately trying to hurt me? Post by: Dontknow88 on October 08, 2016, 08:45:37 PM If BPD really does lack a sense of self and/or no object constancy then that kind of behavior makes sense. Trying to capture a time when you felt good/safe/something positive and unable to figure it out yourself you try to fix it by putting the physical objects at that time back in place. If the things are there then the feelings should come back too. I guess that does make sense he always used to tell me he wish he knew who he was. I was trying to understand things I just still find it weird that he got bunnies. He never like them, I did. Everything I knew about him or everything I found out that he liked it was from one of his ex-girlfriend's. it's like the person he's trying to be is made up from facts of all his ex-girlfriend. Creppy |