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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: justnothing on September 14, 2016, 05:19:24 PM



Title: Idealization and small mistakes
Post by: justnothing on September 14, 2016, 05:19:24 PM
Have you ever found yourself desperately wanting to say something and at the same time desperately trying not to? I can’t explain why but that happens to me a lot and it’s happening to me now too… but I can’t sleep and I’ve been thinking about this stuff a LOT lately and I just needed to post it somewhere…

Idk if this will even make sense to anyone but basically… growing up it was just never OK for me to be a human being. I was the only child of a single mother with BPD/NPD and for the most part I didn’t have any friends or anyone else in my life but her. And with her, naturally, everything was always black and white. If/whenever I did something right I was put on a pedestal and worshipped as her prized golden girl… but as soon as I made a small mistake I’d be knocked off that pedestal and screamed at and threatened to be sent away and the like for hours. This would happen every day for years.

Recently I made the mistake of saying the wrong words and trying to assert myself with an ex of mine and he reacted by killing himself. And I know this is no coincidence; I had simply been attracted to the same kind of person who reminded me of my mother.

In the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to turn my world around as much as possible and introduce as many changes as I can in order to essentially become my own person… rather than the person I ended up being as a result of trying to be an extension of my mother. And it can be so, so very stressful because the price of trying and failing somehow seems too high. Because it’s like… it’s OK to be a failure from the get go… then you’re just seen as pathetic but nobody minds… but once you’re successful at something what if you get put a pedestal and THEN make a mistake… the punishments you could get for that are way too high…

Now rationally I know that this is only true when it comes to people with BPD and NPD and that most people won’t idealize or devaluate you the minute you’re successful at something or put yourself out there…

Can anyone relate by any chance? Any ideas of how to overcome this fear?


Title: Re: Idealization and small mistakes
Post by: joeramabeme on September 14, 2016, 08:22:25 PM
Hi justnothing

First, sorry to hear about your ex who killed himself - what are your feelings around this?  It is a very dramatic event and you have made no mention about your feelings after such a large happening?


Regarding the other part of your post and being on a pedestal; I read this as perfectionism.  It is a trait that I possess but wasn't really aware of until I read "Stop caretaking the Borderline".  I think what Albert Einstein had to say about perfectionism is perfect; "Perfectionism only lives in the mind".  And this sounds exactly like where you are coming from - the mind. 

As a perfectionist, it is hard for me to feel concepts such as; being gentle on myself.  I too am aware of life changes I would like to make, and like a formula, I can plot it all out on paper and as perfect as the plan looks, fear often interrupts me in the most subtle of ways. What is intended to be a half day of 'doing', becomes filled with sudden other priorities and such.  THat behavior simply goes unnoticed until same time the following week I am looking at the formula again and wondering what has to change in order for it to work.

To resolve part of my perfectionist dilemma, I give myself a little room to be less than perfect and break off a smaller sized piece of action and commit to that.  I literally scheduled the day off tomorrow to do a huge list of things.  Tonight, as I was thinking through it I thought to myself; commit to get one thing done and I will be a success.  That is the way that I have broken through some of the fears. 

Hope this helps and please let us know about how you are feeling regarding your ex.

JRB


Title: Re: Idealization and small mistakes
Post by: Naughty Nibbler on September 14, 2016, 09:59:18 PM

Hey justnothing:   

I've had a bit of a problem with being a perfectionist.  It can evolve into a form of black and white thinking - all or nothing.  I keep reminding myself that the answer is "between all and nothing".

We have to fail at some things, in order to learn and to get better at them.  With some things, you have to evaluate things like "how much time you have", and settle for "good enough" or a level of success that is less than perfect.

There are plenty of successful people who graduated from college with a "C" average.  They could have perhaps taken an extra year, and dedicated more effort towards a better grade, but they did just fine.

Here is a link to 3 ways to break perfectionism:
https://valorieburton.com/freebies/resilience/3-ways-to-break-your-perfectionism-habit/



Title: Re: Idealization and small mistakes
Post by: Ulysses on September 15, 2016, 12:21:30 AM
Hi there justnothing,

I can relate to some of what you're saying.  I sometimes wonder, if a person with BPD/NPD is compelled to engage in black/white thinking, then to me it seems logical that once a person is placed on that pedestal, even a minor mishap or error is enough for them to be knocked off and painted black.  So in a way, your mistake just provided the excuse for the person to engage in their BPD behavior.  But you probably already have thought about this.  I'm sorry to hear about your experiences.   

Something you said caught my attention. 
Excerpt
In the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to turn my world around as much as possible and introduce as many changes as I can

What types of changes are you trying to make?  How many changes at once?  Do you think you are asking too much of yourself, too quickly?

What has helped me is to be very accepting of myself and where I'm at in my journey.  It's something that I have to work at consciously, and remind myself to do it.  I'm going in about a million different directions since my divorce, and there are times when I feel like a complete failure.  So I will sit and accept that I feel that way.  That's the first step for me.  Then I give it some thought and realize I'm not a failure, and that I'm doing pretty well, actually.  I have to acknowledge the negative and accept my feelings, and then go on from there.  And when I accomplish even one task that I find emotionally difficult, I silently congratulate myself and reward myself with a mental hug, or, maybe, an oreo.  Even though my weekly list is ten miles long, if all I can do in addition to the hundreds of usual daily things (e.g. work, school, taking care of my children, etc.) is one emotionally difficult task, then I do that, accept it, and pat myself on the back for it. 

Like Joeramabeme, I try to be gentle with myself.

It was my exH and his family that put me on the pedestal and knocked me off.  Not my FOO (at least, not that I can tell).  Still, their words they expressed when they knocked me off the pedestal still echo in my head.  I usually respond mentally with, well, yeah, that's what you say, but that's not the truth.

Do you keep a list of the tasks you have/do accomplish?  Do you look at it as a long-term project?

 



Title: Re: Idealization and small mistakes
Post by: justnothing on September 16, 2016, 12:51:10 PM
Thanks for the replies. I hadn’t thought about it up until now as perfectionism but I suppose that makes a lot of sense. I’ll try reading more about it.

It is a very dramatic event and you have made no mention about your feelings after such a large happening?

I’ve written other posts about it, just in another part of the forum… other than that I also wrote a number of things that I didn’t post because… idk…

Tbh idk if I’ve been dealing with it very well or not. I would like to write more about it either here or in other places but for some reason I can’t. I sometimes call hotlines about it though.

Trying to make as many changes as possible has essentially been my main way of dealing with and reacting to it. And yes, I want the changes to be permanent.