BPDFamily.com

Hi Team.

Is NC the best way to draw back an ex who has BPD traits ?
I begged and pleaded and got no where ... .No she has messaged me after 7 days of NC!

She juat messaged me a pointless Email ... .She has done this is the past during break ups ... .

What's the best approach to r engage ?

I am aware I am the one who has to do the work and change in order for this relationship to work and I have been doing countless hours of study and educating myself on my triggers well ... .

I am not sure what content I should reply in? As I know if I am honest and needy she may retreat ! Honest I mean saying I love you and want to be with you etc!

I don't want to be a doormat ... .

Sometimes it can help to reset things to easy breezy, like you were when the two of you first met. The awesome guy you were in the beginning.

She fundamentally doesn't trust -- her relationships are stormy and unstable, and she is always waiting for the shoe to drop. Actions are more meaningful than words to someone like this.

At the same time, she is looking for the perfect, all-giving caregiver. That means someone who is strong and confident, not needy and clingy (often the exact characteristics we begin to display in push/pull relationships!).

Can you respond to her as though you are not emotionally invested up to your neck  :)

Feel her out. See how she's doing. Nice, neutral, no big emotional proclamations that may only get her emotionally aroused. This is not the time to remind her that you can engulf her... .

Make sense?

I'm not sure that there is any "best way." But, giving her the silent treatment probably isn't it.

I agree with LNL, light and friendly is the best approach here.

I agree with the others. I've gotten the "pointless emails" after a breakup, or period of ST or NC. It's a way for them to test the waters. Maybe she needed time to calm down and feels ready to connect again.

If YOU feel ready, go ahead and dip your toes in with her, but at her pace. Best of luck 

Thanks guys , I replied ... .With little emotion saying things are going well on my end ... .I may have been a little too cold as I didn't ask any questions of her other than say ... I hope things are going well for you too and I wish you the best also ... .

I wonder if this will effect my chances now !

I don't think that sounded cold - it's nice and neutral just as advised.

It may feel cold to you because it's not your norm with her. That's ok. You've set the right temperature for now. Warming things up too soon can make things boil over. Give her time and see if she contacts you again. In the meantime, take care of you... .and keep reading the lessons. This will help you prepare for how to communicate with her if she does respond.

Ok cool , I did for weeks Put my case forward and begged and pleaded with her !

Would she still know that I love her and want to be with her , even though I have stepped back ?

I am also overseas and have moved overseas for work in which she is allowed to come under my visa !

She lived overseas in her previous relationship in several different countries , and she likes to travel and be away from her family , even though she says she is close to her family she isn't emotional attached to them !

Anyway , I guess just play it cool and get my ___ together would be the only way to attract her back !

We have been together for over 3 years and I know she is connected to me and wants to work on things even though she won't admit it , on her terms and I her time !

I wish you could negotiate with people who suffer this , it's seems like even if they want it , if you beg for something and they haven't approached you or put forward what they want ... .They will push away when you come depart first ... .So hard to deal with this at times!

Only way is knowledge and self awareness and understanding this disorder much better ... .

Yes, keep playing it cool. I know it's hard. Waiting is torture. You want to run to her, tell her how much you love her, beg her to join you overseas... .but it is likely too soon for that. Begging and pleading can push them away where pulling back can give them a safe space to get their emotions back to baseline. This is where you can begin to improve communications - when things are more calm and stable. Be patient. It takes some pwBPD a little longer than the average bear to get there.

While you're waiting, use this time to give yourself a mini-break from thinking about her. Digest all that you've learned here but keep it in perspective. It is natural to obsess because of all the mind-blowing craziness these relationships cause that makes our minds mull over every detail of our last conversations with them, but not very healthy. Having other people and things to focus on will help keep you grounded. If you've recently moved, you should have plenty to distract yourself. Check out a new restaurant or walk a few blocks in your new town. Go out and explore your new world! You'll be surprised how forgetting about her (even temporarily) can give you clarity.

Also I am in new city doing new things , should I restrain myself from showing how well I am doing on social media ? As it will probably upset her and make it look I am better of with out her ... .Right ?

You probably don't want to rub her face in it like you're having the time of your life. This could trigger her abandonment fears... .or worse, cause her to up the ante - showing you what a great time she's having. Totally depends on the person. You know her best. Then again, you have a right to document your life and share your new scenery with your other friends. Do what you feel is right.

Am I allowed to reach out and let her know from time to time that I am thinking of her and love her ? Since I am now overseas !

What do your instincts tell you?

Keep in mind that how you feel about her can be perceived as you caring about how you feel, and not how she feels. Depending on what other dynamics go down in your relationship, it could be that she thinks to herself, "Yeah, if you loved me so much then you would/would not_______."

Silent treatments and no contact can often be a way for someone with BPD to collect themselves emotionally. Try to not take things too personally or be too impacted by it. Like Jessica says, focus on taking care of yourself right now. Figure out whether you are avoiding other feelings when you fixate or obsess about the relationship. Sometimes, we don't pay attention to whether we ourselves experience abandonment depression.

When she is giving herself a time out, she won't have emotional room or bandwidth to deal with your emotions. They may just trigger her, or keep her emotionally aroused when she's trying to stabilize herself.

Makes a lot of sense all the other times , I have begged and pleaded telling her how much I love you and she has said I only here what you want ... .You are selfish ... .Etc... .So that makes a lot of sense.

I have included her in my group email which I am sending and updating friends , so she can see what is going on and not feel like I am pushing her etc ... .Or gloating on social media streams etc...

Most of our issues where to do with my financial stability and that o couldn't give her 110% at the time ... I am now finally over that hurdle and I am sound and in control ... .

I am actually in a very good state of mind now and I am not desperate ... .