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Missing: Coming to Terms with a Borderline Mother Author: Kathy Ewing Publisher: Red Giant Books (April 1, 2016) Paperback: 150 pages ISBN-10: 0996871721 ISBN-13: 978-0996871723 (https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/spacer.gif) (https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/locate.png) (http://www.bookfinder.com/search/?keywords= 0996871721&st=sh&ac=qr&submit=)

Book Description
Missing is a memoir of a daughter's lifelong relationship with a mother suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder told two decades after her mother's passing. The author tells the story and reflects on her experiences and feeling both before her mothers death and after her passing. This is a book for an adult child who has lost a parent and is processing their parents legacy and the affects of the relationship on her life. The book is a thoughtful and balanced introspective on both the good and difficult feelings of a troubled mother daughter relationship.

Author
Kathy Ewing teaches Latin at Cleveland State University and a yearly SAGES seminar on alternative education at Case Western Reserve University. Ewing has written articles published in the Cleveland Plain Dealer (Ohio news and information website), Northern Ohio Live, The Cleveland Edition, Cleveland Magazine, Case Magazine, John Carroll Magazine, Growing Without Schooling, The Bark (magazine of modern dog culture), and The Book Group.

Ewing graduated from Kent State University, where she earned an M.A. in English in 1976. She has taught in preschools, middle schools, high schools, and colleges. She homeschooled her own children, Doug and Margaret, for ten years, and according to  Ewing, "not because I am a fundamentalist Christian, but because I have authority issues".

I found Missing: Coming to Terms with a Borderline Mother to be unique among books about Borderline Personality Disorder. Author Kathy Ewing writes not from a perspective of another self-help and educational book, but rather her words are penned from the experience of being the child of a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder.

While poignant recollections dot the pages of the book, overall it is clear that the author points the reader to understanding the disorder, yet she does not step away from educating us, not in theory, but in the reality of the effects upon her very being. Ewing gives clear examples of seeing BPD in action, both from when she was a child and as an adult.

In “Part I, Scenes from Childhood,” Ewing takes us along with her on a walk down memory lane. Her writing style is easy to follow, easy to enter into. If the reader also grew up under the auspices of a BPD parent, then it will not be difficult to relate to the emotions frequently portrayed on the pages of this book. While not every person with BPD exhibits the same traits as every other BPD sufferer, the similarities are strong enough that one is drawn into the world of BPD dysfunction and easily able to relate, nodding the head, saying, “Yes, Yes, that’s how it was in my family too.”

In “Part II, Connecting the Dots,” Ewing delves into connecting BPD symptoms to her mom. Kathy states, “Learning about a real mental illness—a chaotic and unpredictable one—is helping me, at last, to come to terms with my mom’s inexplicable and wounding behavior. Now the memories coalesce around symptoms. Now my memories have a context.” Descriptions of seeing “The Turn” and “Splitting” exemplified in her mother are explained from Ewing’s perspective and that of her siblings. Kathy also struggles with trusting herself and what she remembers as seen in the following quote:  

     “At some points in this writing, I stall for awhile…I worry that I’ve run out of evidence, because I want to prove my mother’s diagnosis. I have to justify it on the page, and I have little psychologists on my shoulders, whispering, ‘Not really borderline. You’re making it up.’…I want my mother to have had BPD because it’s helping me so much to see her in this light…it literally soothes the rough, wounded places inside me. I crave validation…”

“Part III, Unentangling” brings all of the previous parts together as Ewing tries to unwrap herself from her mother. The day to day realities of life cause frequent pauses as she struggles to see where Kathy exists and where her mom’s influence exists. She states, “Unraveling the mystery of my mom is not so much about my mom, as it turns out, but about me instead.”  Questions frequently arise as she asks herself if she is a good parent. Clearly Ewing wants to do better than her mom and not repeat the pattern, but the ‘unraveling’ is hard.

Throughout the book, Ewing shows her drive to understand, to put the missing pieces of her life together in order, and to discover who she is as a person separate from her mom. She does not show bitterness or anger, yet she is very ‘real’ to the reader, open and honest about her struggles. The conclusion of her book cleverly draws one in, as she reminisces over CS Lewis’ book, The Last Battle, detailing the scene from the dark stable.  It is remarkable, the accuracy portrayed of how easy it is to get stuck in the darkness when light is so close by, just through the stable door.

Hello Everyone.  I had tried ordering this book that is recommended on this site, through Amazon, but I have twice received a message that it is delayed.  Does anyone know if it is still available in some way, or if perhaps there is a reason why it has not been available?  The book is... .

"Missing: Coming to Terms with a Borderline Mother" by Kathy Ewing

We have requested feedback from the author.  She is a member here. :)

There's no reason why "Missing" should be unavailable on Amazon. I suggest giving it another try. Another thing to do would be to visit or call your local bookstore and ask them to order it for you. They can deal directly with the publisher. In the meantime, I'll look into it further, and if I find anything out, I'll reply again. Thanks for your interest.

Thanks, Woolspinner, for this perceptive and generous review.  Kathy

Thank you for looking into this for me.  I ordered it in May and they are now saying I should have it by late August.  They don't seem to offer an option to cancel the order so that I can try somewhere else.  We'll see what happens.

Hello, I posted about this before, but cannot find that post now.  Back in May I placed an order on Amazon for a book recommended on this site, titled "Missing: Coming To Terms With a Borderline Mother" by Kathy Ewing.  Each month since then, they have sent me an email stating that the book is delayed.  I believe someone on this site had said that they know the author and would check into it, or perhaps the author, herself, did... .sorry, can't remember.   I've just received this from them... .

Hello from Amazon.ca.
We're still trying to obtain the following item you ordered on May 14, 2017 :Ewing, Kathy "Missing: Coming to Terms with a Borderline Mother"

I just thought I'd mention, here, that Amazon seems to be truly having trouble getting this book as it has now been 3 months.  I've decided to cancel the order and try e-bay, unless anyone here has a better suggestion for ordering it... .I can't seem to find too many places on line selling it.

I was able to put it into my cart just now... .

It's an Amazon thing. I've had this happen to me on other items. I will order an item and then they tell me shipping will be delayed because the item is not available. You should be able to cancel your order on Amazon by clicking on "My orders" or see if they have the book available in another format like kindle (you can download a kindle reader on your phone or tablet).

Another site I like to use for books is called paperbackswap but you put the books you want on a list and they get shipped to you when they are available. IT could be a long time before you get it, but you're waiting for it already.

Click the green button - it will tell you everyone who is carrying the book, price, and shipping.

UPDATE!  A short while after I had posted that I was still not able to receive this book through Amazon, I received another message from them that they could, in fact, get it out to me and it would only be a week.  So I held off on cancelling with them in order to try ebay.  I HAVE NOW RECEIVED IT!  I'm not sure if the author (or someone) managed to get in touch to get things sorted out... .if so, thank you so very much.  :)  Or, possibly, it was just some type of internal challenge at Amazon... .not sure.  Regardless, I am grateful to finally have it after 3 1/2 months... .I'm sure it will be well worth the wait.