BPDFamily.com

What's going wrong?

I will try to reproduce two conversations I had with my boyfriend today. I don't get what's going wrong here …  How I could improve in my share in it?

First conversation was about his political committment and his many honorary posts when our baby will be born. (He's working on something every evening. His whole leisure time consists of it. We barely spend time together and we had lots of discussions as I am not happy about it.) He previously had annonced to me that he wanted to pause everything for the first 6 living months of our child. He had even been looking forward to it as all these things mean lots of stress to him. Now he's making everything an exception.
Him: I want to coordinate [a certain] workshop with you that will be either in November, December or January.
Me: Will it be in [our hometown]?
Him: Maybe, or maybe in [town 500 km far]. But it's a weekend.
Me: Will it take the whole weekend?
Him: Yes.
Me: Honestly, you had originally planed to pause these kind of activities for half a year when our baby is born.
Him (very understanding): Oh yes, you're right. (Murmeling some other understanding words.)
Me: Oh, I'm so happy, you're taking my response so calmly and didn't get upset.
Him (irritated): But I thought you liked that I did that much of political committment. You have to get used to it as I will always be doing it. I will not change my whole life, just because there is a child.
Me: But when we've got a family, the child want's to see you. And on weekends, this will be the time when you should be there for your kid.
Him (upset): Don't you bring that in again. It's natural that I will care of my child on weekends. I don't know why I always have to defend that.
Me: Because you just said that you want to go on with your old life even with a child.
Him (very upset): I won't sacrifice my whole life just because there is a child. You have to understand that.
Me: Ok, I see. (I went on with what I did.)
We didn't carify the question of weather he will attend the workshop or if so, when it's the best time for it.

Second conversation about what to eat for lunch:
- He gets some old grill meat out of the freezer and proudly presents it to me with the words: You yearn proteins, here they are. (We had some stressfull converations about that meat ealier. I don't wanna eat it while pregnant as it had been lying around in 35 °C (very hot summer day) for six hours during a BBQ we had a month ago.)
- Me: Ok, but I won't eat that one.
- Him: Why? (already bugged)
- Me: Because it was unfrozen for so long and lying in the heat.
- Him got a little angry: Why is that? Now you suddenly don't wanna eat at. And I always have to eat the rubbish.
- Me: I told you before, I won't eat it. And I voted for throwing it away, remember?
- Him: But why is that I always have to eat the rubbish? And why don't you eat it, too?
- Me: You don't have to, either. But I am pregnant and I don't wanna take any risk for the baby.
- Him (angrier): Oh, now you come with that! Of cause. But you wouldn't eat it either if you weren't pregnant.
- Me: I guess I would. So let's keep it in the freezer, we can eat it in a month after the baby is born.
- Him: I don't believe you. (Slamming the meat back into the freezer.)

Later, he asked me if I was upset. I said no, but sad because of these conversations. I told him that I think he's on a bad mood and is taking it out at me. He wasn't understanding, we discussed the whole thing over and over and he finally stated that he just wanted to express his feelings. He thinks he did it calmly and without any accusation, whereas in my point of view he did not.

So, I am not sure anymore if it's my emotions or his (or of both of us) which are taking over controll about our discussions. There are clearly some week points in both of us. Anyway, what can I do?

In reading your first conversation... .

It sounds like he's got black and white (all or nothing) thinking - and is presuming you do as well. (BPDs often have all or nothing) When he agreed (that he was going to pause) he probably was thinking he couldn't do ANTYHING. It would have been good at that point to say "I'm not saying you can't do anything, I'd be OK if you did 2 nights a week, but I don't want you going away for a whole weekend until the baby is maybe 3 months old".

So you're trying to find a way to say "yes", but clarifying what is ok.

I'm not sure about the meat conversation... .

Yeah, the meat thing doesn't make a lot of sense. But sometimes these arguments never do. There's usually something driving their emotional state, but we often don't know what.

In looking at where he got angriest in both convos is when you brought up the baby. Has he expressed any fears or anxieties related to having a child? Like feeling inadequate or unprepared? Scared of the unknown or his life changing? Worried you will abandon him for the child? If he has any anxiety like this, this might be an area you can validate to keep these weird outbursts from happening.

Many thanks for your advice. Black-or-white thinking really might be the reason for all of this. And he fears a lot to fail as a father, he told me. Bringing up the baby into stressfull conversations always turns out badly, I've notived it before. Guess he's angry at himself then for not knowing if he cares enough.

In another conversation I have tried to clarify, that it's okay for me if he does some activities, but did not quantify them. Probaply I should be a little more specific. With black-or-white thinking he might understand that sometimes I say "yes" to everything and sometimes I deny him everything, even though for me it is searching the happy medium to keep his activities family compatible.