BPDFamily.com

All:  I have not been using this board as often as my dealings with my step kids BPD mom have leveled off, been pretty good for awhile, with a few crazy moments that have had no real impact on me. 

This month, while we were on vacation, DH fell in love with someone else and is unwilling to end that relationship, but wants me still to parent my step kids (SD12 and SD16) with him and stay in our relationship.  I find that after 10 years of opening my heart to his BPD ex and my two SDs, I have no interested in all that work.  So I have broken up with him, 3 days ago. 

This is a super painful time.  We have told the girls that I am living separately for a time, so we can take some time to see if anything changes.  I have no idea how or if I can be a parent through this (please do not advice me that I cannot, because that would be coming mostly from your judgements and not much from my life experience--which includes divorced parents who are best friends, and lots of other amazing relationships in friends who have co-parented without a love relationship and situations where step-parents end up being the main parent).  I am not sure I can do it emotionally... .but also not sure I can't. 

My SD16 sobbed when she learned, and told me:

 "When I was young, I had all these difficult feelings about my mom and dad, and I just projected them all on you.  And you just received that."

Me: That's what step moms are FOR! I loved being there for you, and knew you needed that.

Her: You were my number between my feelings and the world and kept me safe.  Then I stopped projecting that on you and you were just my parent, not mom or dad, but someone I loved. 

But the past few months, I feel like you are my mom.  Not just another parent, but my main parent.  It has been really hard for me, and I have not really shared that, because my mom has taught me all my life not to feel that way, that it is bad to feel that way.  But I do.  So the idea that you are leaving is really sad and scary for me, because it is like the bumper is gone.

(we hug, cry)

Me: Yes, there is a very real way the bumpers are off.  But even if it is a little early and scary, you are old enough to learn to make your own numbers!  And I will always love you, you will always be my kid, and I will be there for you in any way I can for my whole life. 


With SD12, who is young but also processes way more internally it was harder.  But we played guitar, finally got to a place where we could talk.  I told her the story of how I chose to be her parent.  I told her she will always be the child of my heart, and told her the story of a good friend of mine who adopted his ex-wife's child that was not his bio child or his step-child.  She asked if I would adopt her.  "When it is legal, for sure!"  She said, "Would it have to be with my mom's permission, because my mom would say no."  "Yes, but maybe not when you are 18."  She said, "Actually, maybe mom would say yes.  She kind of hates you, because she has anger issues, but really she loves you."


Meanwhile, while DH wants me to be a parent, he is not willing to limit his relationship with the other woman in any way while we negotiate this. 

This is just REALLY hard.  At the same time, we still love each other, and I think will be friends in the long term once I can deal with my pain and grief, and once this very impulsive relationship he is starting settles into some pattern. 


Finally, the kids were with us for the two weeks we were negotiating breaking up, and I got this feedback from sD16:  "Thank you so much for sharing this with us.  When my mom and dad broke up, they were so intense and mommy was so violent and daddy never cried, so I did not know how anyone felt, I could not see anyone's feelings.  But with you, I see you go through your feelings, sad one day, happy a little later, angry sometimes, but you protect us from it and also we still have lives... .I can still have friends over and everyone is still okay. So I can see what you are going through without having to go through it too, I get to feel my feelings about it.  It really changes my feelings about breaking up and what that is like." 


I love my kids so much.  I also love DH, though I have spent years trying to get him to be more available to my needs in all of this and so am somewhat releived by this chapter, while also in total grief and shock.  But the lid is really off of the kid relationship. They finally are free to tell me that I am their mom, too, though I have resisted this the whole time because I do not FEEL like a mom, and I do not want to threaten their relationships with their own mom.  But because their mom threatens their relationships with everyone but her, after ten years they still have some loyalty to her and love for her, but to them I am more of a parent.  That is really profound for me, as I did not go into this expecting that. 

I just really hope and pray there is a way to nurture and hold that relationship in this time of change and in the future. 

One last note:  As I predicted, BPD ex was totally traumatizes by the news.  After a few minutes in shock, she totally decided she is now the "stable" parent, and starting pulling crazy power grabs all week... .calling kids parents friends at sleepovers and threatening to report them to CPS as they did not have her permission to have the kids during her ex's parenting time... .just totally nuts.  I am sorry to impact her sense of stability as well,as she trusted me and considered me family, and now she does not know what to do.

Ennie,

All of this is so hard!     

I certainly can't tell you how to handle all of this but I know by reading this and so many other posts from you that you will handle it with grace. Just take everything one step at a time and when considering everyone else don't forget to consider yourself too.

I totally understand how conflicted you must feel by this situation.  There is a lot of love in your family despite your DH's actions and your children have learned so much by having you in their life.  So sorry to hear the kid's mom has become dysregulated that doesn't help an already tough situation.

I just wanted you to know I read your story and I care.  I hope you will continue to post here as you need to.

Take Care,
Panda39

Ennie,

Wow. This must feel terrible, and painful and very hard to understand.
In my own relationship, I have sacrificed SO much because of the BPDex, I can't imagine DH kicking me in the teeth like this. But our marriages are no more immune from this than anyone else's I guess.
You sound strong and stable, that can't be easy. But as panda and Turkish said, you have always handled things with grace and generosity.

If I'm being honest I guess I would (personally) maybe be a little relieved to be out of the spiral of crazy, but our stuff hasn't settled down and over here.

Find some peace and happiness for yourself. You deserve all the care you've been putting out in the world to come back to you.
You know you can always im me to talk.
Take care, and I'm very sorry your DH has chosen this path. I've been through this myself and from personal experience I can tell you it gets easier, but it doesn't feel like it will for a bit.
Some things move on/out of our lives for a reason, even if you don't know what that reason is yet. I believe good things are waiting for  you in the future.
 

Oh ennie, I'm so sorry.   

It's tragic how one person's decision can result in so much pain. Grace, as Panda says, is how I've viewed your handling of everything. It's a virtue which speaks to your core values which serve you well, and will help you get through this.

My heart literally fell when I read this. Simply because my empathy is overflowing and I understand more then you'll ever know. How are doing with all of this?

ennie, you deserve so much more then this. I hope you know that.


If life were only that simple.

Navigating this kind of hurt will be difficult and it sometimes will have to be about your anger and your hurt. The grief of losing your idea of your family. It is so, so difficult when your partner gives up on a marriage in this way.

I'm so, so sorry.

On a practical note, you have very similar parenting values, correct? The amount of discussions where you won't be on the same page will be limited correct? Is this more about the amount of time you are able to spend with them on a constant basis?

I was exploring this new section of the boards and am so touched by your story.

First, I admire your boundaries. Your H falls in love with someone else, yet also wants to have nothing change as far as his relationship with you and your parenting the children? Sorry, but actions/choices have consequences. He made this choice, but what he wants is unacceptable to you and you upheld this.

I also admire your stepping up as a parent to the girls, while being sensitive to their relationship with their biological mother. Although their father's decision has impacted their lives, I think you still can remain a parental figure in their lives, even in separate households. They are young, but not that young- teens have a lot of mobility and choice. I envision things like outings, sleepovers, at your place. They will also likely call you for advice when dating and other questions. If they go to college, they will spend most of their time there, and only home on breaks. There is an evolution of the parent- child relationship as kids mature, whether or not that parent is biological or married to their parent.  They are not so far away from making their own choices- and they will choose who their "parents" are.

My parents remained together, (BPD mother) but I had other "mothers" in my life, such as aunts on my father's side who took on motherly roles. Growing up, some of my friends' mothers also acted in a motherly fashion to me. You've acted with such grace and wisdom through this- and this is such a powerful role model for the girls.

Self care for you now is key- I know you are hurting. I just also wanted to support that you can remain in the girls' lives. They are on the verge of maturity- their choices will determine their relationships with their parents. Seems they have already chosen you.