BPDFamily.com

I have noticed lately that I will paint my wife black. This morning I woke up before her looked at her and just started thinking about every bad thing she has ever done to me. I tried to shake the thoughts from my head. But they just kept coming. Every mean thing she has ever said to me flooded my mind. And I felt like I would die if I didn't account for every bad thought. Everything has been going great between us. She didn't do anything this morning to cause the bad thoughts. But I notice I do this about once or twice a week. When I got out of bed, she complained that I rocked the f*cking bed. Which is typical, and I normally say I'm sorry and that I understand sleep is important to her or some BS. But days like today I responded with "whatever", which pissed her off. And now the day is screwed. And I just keep recycling every bad memory for hours. Sometimes I cause the problems.

CrazyChuck:     
We are all human and none of us are perfect. Even with the best intentions to pick our battles and resist reacting, we are all going to have weak moments when we just react in an unfortunate manner.  Many of us have a tendency towards a BPD trait or two.  A person gains the label BPD when they have a certain high number of traits.

The discussions at the links below might be helpful for you to read in order to help manage your thoughts/memories.

MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;all)

TOOLS- RUMINATIONS  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0;all)

You probably have PTSD as a defense mechanism against years of abuse. She shouldn't be saying "You rocked the F*ing bed" plain and simple. That right there is an abusive statement. She is a cat torturing a mouse in the corner. Just because the cat got bored and decided to back off for a while doesn't mean the mouse should automatically forget about everything the cat did. The cat could come back and torture the mouse anytime they wanted just because it feels like it. I understand completely why you feel this way. I feel exactly the same way. Its hard to forget and forgive abuse whether emotional or physical. It doesn't matter if they abuse you because they feel so bad about themselves. The fact is they emotionally torture us and it really scars us inside out.

Now its tough when they really are trying to change. You are constantly wondering are they really changing or is it an act? Are they just an hour away from another rage or are they getting better? My GF is seeing a counselor and has drastically changed but I am constantly wondering if she will disregulate and rage again. I never know if she will start saying abusive things again. Often times she jumps from one action to another to another to another. I get her to stop being violent so she switches to verbal abuse. I get her to stop verbally attacking me so she starts criticizing everything. I get her to stop criticizing so she switching so sleep deprevation. Its a constant battle of boundary, boundary, boundary. But things are getting better. Much better. Sometimes I would look back and think about all the things she did. Think about the time she raged in front of my best friend because I took a picture of dinner and it had a girl in the background then told me how good looking my friend was and she was going to get with him. Then later she called and texted him several times. I will never know what she would try to do if he picked up. Or the times she would get mad about something small and have these secret chats with guys behind my back then lie about it and delete all the messages. If I caught her she would rage and blame me back for her bad behavior. So I would just sit on those feelings and make them worse and worse and worse while she may say something small and I would blow up. I couldn't control my emotions anymore. Something as simple as giving me a small attitude may make me explode because I am at the point I wont tolerate any more abuse PERIOD. Sometimes I take it too far and get mad too quickly and in a way I could become emotionally abusive. So I realized this was a problem. Another member here suggested EFT. My honest opinion is WOW. Its so goofy but it works for me.

Every time you have a bad memory or trauma from the past just think about how it makes you feel and tap through those feelings. I felt really silly doing it at first but it really melts away your anger, sadness or guilt that are associated with those memories. You could give it a try when your feeling a bit emotional yourself.

So strange how this is almost exactly one of my situations from about 6 months past. It was a photo that a waitress photobombed and she told me she was thinking about cheating because of it. I really do not know if she did or not. I asked if she cheated and she said to not ask questions if I could not handle the answers. I exploded. That is one of the memories from this morning. I can remember it so vividly.

I know these kind of thoughts and have thought about having BPD myself, too. The main destinction is weather you have these thoughts and feelings towards everyone close to you or towards your BPD loved one only... .Can you get out of it when you are with other people? Then it's unlikely you have BPD.

I still think, this is a serious isse. We're all influenced by the behaviour of our BPD loved ones and we should be very aware not to immitate their bad behaviours.

I get like this at times, its not BPD. It is just a form of resentment creeping in. Your thoughts are getting past the old survive the moment phase and you are looking at the big picture and thinking "is this as good as it gets". Your mind is just examining the negative argument side of that internal debate.

Whilst this is happening your empathy control is switched off, or at least muted.

You will swing back to the positive side of the internal debate. It is part of getting closer to centering, where survival of the relationship is not totally focued on getting past the next immediate drama. You are linking, quantifying and weighing things up.

The fact that you are aware of it is a good sign. You probably trip triggers, are aware of it, own it and then prevent the escalation.  I found once I had an awareness of tripping triggers, and an ability to nip the consequences in the bud I became less afraid of tripping triggers. Most of our conflicts now are started by me, but they rarely develop into anything totally out of hand.

I think we all have some matching traits or we would not have been in such a relationship in the first place. Our task is to work on ourselves when we notice these traits. We can trigger our partners and they can also trigger us. When we are triggered, we can look at this as opportunities to examine what triggers us and why.

@ Chuck, here's an idea: make an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and talk to them about it.  We're sure as hell not gonna give you any helpful advice on this specific topic via the Internet.  Sounds like you're all about some self-improvement; take the next step.