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I was put in an awkward situation this past weekend trying to explain some damage my wife had done to our house.

My wife has BP traits and as a result has some explosive anger outbursts.  She is in treatment now and doing very well.  However, when she was still doing poorly, should would hit doors and walls, most often the door into my home office/man-cave.  This is probably because it is where I retreat to when I feel threatened.  My father is retired, lives almost within walking distance and is a very handy person, so he likes to fix things around my house when I'm out.  Last fall he repaired two dents in my door caused by her that I was able to explain away as me being a clumsy with a piece of furniture I was moving.  But more recently my wife put her foot clear through the first layer of this door.  My father noticed this and was asking about it over the weekend, and my wife jumped in and claimed she tripped and fell into it.  :)ad's too polite to say anything to her, but I could tell he wasn't quite buying it.  He's not stupid and knows what a kick mark looks like, and my wife isn't very good at lying.

I feel like I should come clean with him about her diagnosis and behavior.  He likely isn't pleased about being lied to and may even think I'm the one being violent and damaging the door, and that she's just covering for me.  At the same time I want to respect her privacy and not sour his opinion of her.  :)o you think I should tell him?

That's a tough one Selkie3

First, I'd like to wish you a long and faithful marriage.  My personal experience did not turn out that way.

For almost two decades I let my husband use me as a cover for his emotionally immature actions.  I saw us as partners that always stuck up for each other.  I wouldn't let him look bad in front of my family and he "shouldn't" let me look bad in front of his.  Then, I learned that he did not think the same way I did.  After many years of marriage, my husband was collapsing under the pressure of hiding his BPD symptoms.  He went to his family and sort of "confessed" his transgressions, but explained how his actions were all my fault.  He painted me as someone filled with anger and lacking empathy.  This was after he went on a trip to see my relatives and let them know that he could not be with me.  He seemed so victimized by me.  Again, he made everything that he was ashamed of doing sound like I was actually the one doing it.

When I came into contact with family members after that, they would ask me questions that I found strange and a little too personal.  My husband is intelligent enough to make believable stories.  So any explanation coming from me about his very real insane behavior made me sound like the insane one.

If I had known two truths years ago:  1. my husband has BPD  2. my husband will "throw me under the bus" to protect himself, then I would have been respectfully honest with both sides of the family from the beginning.  I would have told them of my concerns about my husband's behavior and let them know that I was motivated to inform them so as to get help and support.

Let your wife know that you want to have an honest relationship with your dad.  Maybe she won't like it, but hopefully she will accept if she knows you are doing it for stronger family ties.  Your dad may be upset about the lies, but be genuinely sorry and time will calm him down.

I look forward to your update.